You've Got Fanmail 2 The Hunt For Marie
by Melda Burke
Summary: Three years after their majorly epic and hilarious adventure, the gang is at one of their yearly celebrations and an accident happens. Marie is sucked through a portal and into an unknown Canon. Now, they must travel through a whole NEW set of Canons to find her and bring her home. Will they succeed? Or will Marie be forever beyond their reach?
1. Nothing Bad Happens on a Pirate Ship

Hello again! Man, it's great to be back and at the head of the second You've Got Fanmail."

Snape; WHY WON'T YOU DIE! AVADA KEDAVERA!

*Spell goes right through without any effect* "Your spells are no match for my awesomesauce FANFIC AUTHOR RAY!" *Brings out huge ray-gun* 'Say 'ello to my li'le frien'!"

Snape; Mommy! *He sucks his thumb while I laugh and tape it. Then I post it all over Youtube*

*Looks up from computer screen and smiles* "I own nothing!"

-

"When will we land?" Asked Gandalf desperately. He was turning an unattractive green and leaning heavily on the railing. "Why? For Eru's sake, why did I forget my seasickness pills back in Middle-Earth?!" He moaned. "At least it can't get any worse. Nothing bad *ever* happens on a pirate ship."

Jack Sparrow slapped him on the back. "'Ey!Cheer up, mate! We'll be thar in abou'.." He took a gander at the horizon. "I'd say, three 'ours."

Marie bounded up to them, Gimli was deep in discussion with Legolas about the new type of chainmail he'd been perfecting. So she'd decided to take up with Gandalf because he obviously wasn't feeling well. "You know," She said after a bit of thought. "I'd always heard that ginger was good for settling stomachs. Maybe Willy has something like that down in the galley."

"Good idea, Marie. That is, if I can keep from vomiting my innerds onto the deck, then I'm sure it will work." Just as he said that, the whole ship gave a particularly brutal rock and the poor Maia was thrown off of his feet. His fall caused Marie, who'd been trying to help him to the galley, to fall backward. At the same time, his staff hit the deck beside her and a dark, swirling portal developed underneath her. And so Marie, with the stun of the fall still upon her, did not have the sense of mind to scramble away and therefore fell headfirst into it.

"No!" Gandalf reached his arm out to the portal, but it was too late. And it had already begun to close. Jack helped the wizard up with wide eyes. "She's gone!" Shouted Gandalf to the others, who had heard the commotion and come up to see what was the matter.

"Who's gone? What the hell are you talking about, you old fool?" Snape poked his head out of the hole in the deck that led to the galley.

"Marie!" Gandalf pointed to the portal that was now just the size of his fist and growing smaller by the minute. "The ship tipped just now. We both lost our balance and my staff went flying. It landed and made a portal that she fell into!"

"We've got to find her!" Jareth said worriedly. "She could have ended up anywhere."

"There's not a moment to loose!" Gandalf shouted, forgetting the terrible state of his stomach. "We're going to have to search for her in every Canon that we pass through." He grabbed his staff and slammed it hard onto the deck, right where the other portal had appeared.

Legolas put his arm around Gimli, whose face was contorted in pain. "We'll find her, mellon." The Elf quietly assured.

Gimli pressed his calloused hand to his face. "If we don't..Dwarves take a mate for life. My heart will always belong to her, wherever she is."

"You're waxing poetic on me, Master Dwarf." He jested back, hoping to comfort and console.

A hard throat-clearing got their attention. They looked up to see Severus Snape standing in front of them. His eyes were hard as bits of flint. "We will find her, Mister Gloinsson. And if our ruddy useless companions give up, then you and I will fucking look until we drop dead of exhastion. I promise you this, and though my word is..questionable to you, I make it a point to keep my promises."

Gimli grasped the pale, spidery hand that Severus had held out. "We've got an agreement then. As long as you don't brandish no more sticks at meself and the Elf, you've got yourself a deal."

Snape smirked. "Done."

Meanwhile...

Marie groaned as she slowly opened her eyes. The first thing that she saw was a beard. "GIMLI!" She cried out and hugged the figure leaning over her.

But then she realized that the person she was holding was too tall to be her beloved Dwarven spouse. Not only was he too tall, but his voice was all wrong. It had an Indian accent and it felt like he was wearing a turban. "I'm afraid I'm not who you think you are, Madam." Chuckled the man.

"Who are you and..where am I?" She asked, her eyes growing wide with surprise. She quickly let go of the stranger and scooted back.

A door on the opposite end of the room. "We could ask you the same question." Said an older gentlemen. At his side was a beautiful woman dressed from head to toe in black, a youthful American guy with blond hair, another English gent, and..this was the strangest of all.. a levitating hat and coat.

And then Marie blacked out again.


	2. We're Going to the Picture Show!

"Hello, peoples! How are you enjoying being reunited with Marie and the gang?"

Hatter; It's great! *Sips tea from random teacup he found somewhere*

"I wasn't asking you, Hatter. I was asking the audience."

Hatter; What do you mean?

"I'm talking about all the people that read about you and Marie and everyone else."

Hatter; *Glances around with a paranoid expression and whispers* You mean we're being watched?

*Slaps forehead* "That's not what I-"

Hatter; *Runs past Snape in a frenzy* STOP LOOKING AT ME!

Snape; *Frowns* What's wrong with the lunatic?

*Sighs* "I don't own anything, thank goodness."  
-

"So, why are you called the League of Extrodinary Gentlemen if there's a woman in your midst?" Marie asked as she was handed a cup of steaming tea. "It's hardly politically correct." She smiled at everyone around her. They'd all been so very nice to her after she'd explained what had happened, really she could have ended up in a worse Canon than this one! One by one, they'd introduced themselves as Captain Nemo (the inventor of the ship they were on), Mina Harker, Tom Sawyer, Allan Quartermain, and Rodney Skinner.

Captain Nemo, who had given her the tea, arched an eyebrow at her questioningly. "Politically correct?"

She nodded. "Yeah, you should probably change your name to The League of Extraodinary Gentlemen and a Woman or maybe The League of Extraordinarily Gentle people." She took a sip of the tea and grinned. It was peppermint, her favorite! "Otherwise you're sure to be overrun by feminists. Personally, I don't hold with the real extreme ones because some of the ideas are just plain ludricrus! There are some that are sensible, however...and I'm rambling, sorry."

Nemo laughed and she felt a jerk of homesickness. He looked so much like Gimli with that beard! "No matter, it's nice to listen to ramblings. I find that you learn quite a bit about a person if you listen to what they ramble about." He told her with a merry twinkle in his eye.

That was when she felt something sit down beside her. She looked and saw that the cushion next to her was pressed down by some weight. "'Ello, luv." Skinner said. "I would've tipped my 'at to ya, bu' I don' 'ave i' on."

She grinned at the the place where she thought his head might be and giggled. "You remind me of Jack." Then her face crumpled and she hung her head. "I miss them so much." She said hardly above a whisper.

An invisible hand was placed on her back. "Don' worry, luv. Yer friends'll come for ya."

A thought occured to her and she started to laugh through the tears that were begining to well up in her eyes. "I'm sure they will or Severus and Gimli will give them hell about it!"

()()()()

Gimli woke up first to the most disturbing sight he'd ever known. People were dancing and singing the weirdest song he'd heard in his entire life. But that wasn't the worst part, that honor was reserved for the man in the middle with the fishnet stockings/corset combo. The man had make-up caked onto his face and fake eyebrows, and he was singing along with the song.

*It's astounding  
Time is fleeting  
Madness takes its toll  
But listen closely

Not for very much longer

I've got to keep control  
I remember doing the Time Warp  
Drinking those moments when  
The blackness would hit me

And the void would be calling

Let's do the Time Warp again  
Let's do the Time Warp again

It's just a jump to the left

And then a step to the right

With your hands on your hips

Chorus You bring your knees in tight  
But it's the pelvic thrust  
That really drives you insane  
Let's do the Time Warp again  
Let's do the Time Warp again

It's so dreamy  
Oh, fantasy free me  
So you can't see me  
No, not at all  
In another dimension  
With voyeuristic intention  
Well secluded, I see all

With a bit of a mind flip

You're into the time slip

And nothing can ever be the same

You're spaced out on sensation

Like you're under sedation

Let's do the Time Warp again  
Let's do the Time Warp again

Well I was walking down the street  
Just a having a think  
When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink  
He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise  
He had a pick up truck and the devil's eyes  
He stared at me and I felt a change  
Time meant nothing, never would again

Let's do the Time Warp again  
Let's do the Time Warp again

It's just a jump to the left!

And then a step to the right!

With your hands on your hips!

You bring your knees in tight  
But it's the pelvic thrust  
That really drives you insane  
Let's do the Time Warp again  
Let's do the Time Warp again*

The dance routine ended quickly when one of them tripped over one of Jareth's legs, which was sticking out of the pile at a random place. Gimli suspected that the Goblin king's face was right beside someone's butt because he was facing in the opposite direction of everyone else.

"What are they, Doc?" Asked a woman in a tight, short skirt with a top hat that reminded him of Willy's,only hers had sequines.

"Do you think they need a mechanic?" Asked a man with stringy blond hair and hunched shoulders.

The man in the fishnet stockings pulled an overly dramatic pose, pouting his lips heavily. "No, I believe that they need a bucket of water. Riff Raff, go fetch us a pail of water!" He said to the stringy-haired man.

"YOU POUR ANY DAMNED WATER ON ME AND I'LL RIP YOUR FACES OFF AND MAKE YOU EAT THEM!" Shouted Snape from somewhere to Gimli's right. "Do you know how much all of this fabric weighs when it's wet? DO YOU?!" Snape sat up and glared at the dancers in the room. He studied the man in fishnets for a moment. "And why the hell is he wearing lingerie?" He asked no one in particular.

The man smiled. "I'm just a sweet Transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania." He replied innocently, batting his eyelashes at Snape.

Snape blinked and shook his head. "I don't believe it." He said, and just sat there, looking shocked. "Her bad luck knows no bounds!" He noticed then that Gimli was awake and he glared fiercely at the Dwarf. "When this mess is over, we are tying that woman to a tree with a rope made of four-leaf clovers, stuffing her mouth full of rabbis' feet, and chaining her to the Blarney Stone."

"Doc, I believe our guests are insane." Said the hat-lady in a whisper.

"Did someone call me?" Hatter popped up, his own hat askew. Then he saw hers. "You've got a lovely hat!" He said cheerfully, ignoring the stares he recieved.

Snape growled. "Somebody hit him, please."


	3. Time Warped Minds

*In sing song voice* "Looks like someone's got a crush on Snape!" *Ducks size 12 boot*

Snape; Say something about him one more time and I swear, I'll dunk you in the Bog of Stench!

"Isn't that what Jareth is supposed to do?"

Jareth; Yeah, who do you think you are, stealing my thunder!

Snape; I am Severus Tobias Snape and I will shove my wand up both of your asses if one more word is spoken about-

N Furter; OHHH Handsome! Where are you?

*Jareth and I giggle* "I don't own anything. Sadly."  
-

"ARGGG! HE FARTED ON ME!" Screamed the furious Goblin King, grabbing the attention of the Hatter, Gimli, and Severus. He didn't really get the attention of the guy in the fishnets because that one was too busy blowing kisses at Snape.

Hellboy worked his way out of the clump of people."It's not my fault you had your face right next to my ass!"

"Shut up, both of you!" Gimli shouted, a frown on his lips. He wiggled out of the pile and stood. While his beloved Marie was gone, he'd have to play peacemaker. "I'm sure that if Hellboy did that, it was a great loss for all of us."

"But...I had my mouth open!" Jareth made a retching noise. "Not even the Bog of Eternal Stench would be a proper punishment...he'd just make it smell worse!"

"I CAN'T BREATHE!" Choked out Sweeney Todd as he and scrambled to their feet. "What the hell smells like rotted meat?"

"Hellboy decided to emit some foul gases into the atmosphere..obviously the people who said that global warming was caused by the flatulance of bovines have never met the Smelly Red Wonder." Sneered Jareth.

Edward got to his feet smirking. "I don't have to breathe." He bragged.

Willy ran as far as he could away from Hellboy and cowered in the corner, muttering under his breath about 'air germs infecting him'. Gimli pinched the bridge of his nose and not just to keep the smell from entering his nostrils. He had a feeling that if this was the way things were going already, then he would practically *worship* Marie when she got back. If it were her, she would have just distracted everyone with a random comment and then they would have forgeten their argumen. Again, he felt her loss keenly, like a mithril knife had cut through his heart.

Gandalf, while this was all going on, had discussed staying with the guy in fishnets and the others. "But of course!" The guy fluttered his overly made up lashes at them. "I'd be happy to remove the symptom...but I'm afraid I can't do much about the cause." He curtsied and winked at Snape. Then he broke out into song.

*Tell me, Handsome  
Are you ensnared?  
My judgement many would call impaired  
My Rocky couldn't compare

You're handsome, Handsome  
Don't believe me?  
Then let fantasy free me

As we step into Time Warp  
and nothing will ever be the same

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!  
LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

It's just a jump to the left

And then a step to the right

With your hands on your hips

Bring your knees in tight, Handsome  
That's right  
But it's the pelvic thrust  
that really drives you insane!  
LET"S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN  
LET"S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

With a bit of a mind flip

You're into the time slip

And nothing can ever be the same

You're spaced out on sensation

Like you're under sedation

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN  
LET"S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

Well I was walking down the street  
Just a having a think  
When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink  
He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise  
He had a pick up truck and the devil's eyes  
He stared at me and I felt a change  
Time meant nothing, never would again  
LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!  
LET"S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!  
It's just a jump to the left!

And then a step to the right!

With your hands on your hips!

You bring your knees in tight  
But it's the pelvic thrust  
That really drives you insane  
LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN  
LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!*

Snape was thrown around and fussed over by the strange man who oggled him. He was forced to dance like the others in the crowd as they all started up the Time Warp song again. Meanwhile, the rest of the party were struggling not to fall onto the floor laughing. Gimli himself was tempted to chuckle when Snape yelped, the cause of which being the tip of N Furter's high heel had stomped hard on his foot. It was all terribly entertaining to watch, but the Dwarf knew that if they were to save Marie, then they'd require the ceasation of all this nonsense. So he stepped right out into the crowd of dancers.

Not the greatest idea he'd ever had.

The much taller dancers didn't see him due to his height and when the one he remembered being referred to as Riff Raff went to do a flip, he tripped over Gimli and it sent him whirling into the wall. The crash distracted one of them who was carrying a silver platter (goodness knows what for) and the platter was dropped and rolled across the room on its side. Dancers who stepped back to avoid it's path bumped into each other and half of them landed in a pile. The other half that remained were relieved to find that they were unharmed...until one of the women found out seconds later when she tried to walk away that her shoe's heel was broken. She fell sideways and the final few tumbled like a house of playing cards. The only two left standing were Snape and the doctor.

N Furter pouted a little and turned to Gimli, who was on his butt still trying to figure out what had happened. "You ruined our Time Warp!"

"I...apologize?" Gimli said dazedly, getting to his feet. "Now, Dr. Furter, I-"

"Just Frank, thank you. First names between friends, after all." He leered at Severus. "Especially such good looking friends."

"What the hell are you playing at?" Snape snapped and glared viciously at one of the dancers who was starting to hum 'Time Warp'.

"Tennis." Frank pulled a racket out from behind his chair. "I'm very good, wanna play?" He brought out a ball and whacked it at Snape, who dodged it, but only just. He smirked at his reflexes, but didn't see it bounce off the wall and it came back full force into the back of his head. He pitched forward, but grabbed at Frank. Frank wasn't prepared and ended up flipping forward. One of his heels flew off.

"'Ey, wha's takin so long, eh?" Jack came in at just the wrong time. The heel flew at his head and seeing this, he squeezed his eyes shut. He was lucky, though, the heel embedded itself in the wall a hair's breadth away from his ear. He opened his eyes at the thump and breathed a relieved sigh.

"You're all so much fun!" Clapped Frank and he grinned wildly. "Why don't you stay for dinner?"

Gimli had a bad feeling about this. I wonder why?


	4. It's Fine Dining With the Best!

Hello, again everybody!

Snape: WHAT! Damnit! I had sincerly hoped you'd abandoned this worthless piece of crap! *Glares viciously*

Gimli: *Bonks Snape hard on the knee with the blunt end of his axe* She'd never abandon Marie!

Snape: *Limps out* You dashed my hopes! I hate you all and someday I WILL destroy you!

Jareth: *Pats me on the back* Don't listen to him, we're all glad you're back. He just doesn't want to admit it.

*Smiles brilliantly* Thanks. Now, my dear readers, I want you to know that I in now way whatsoever own anything in my story besides the plot and my lovely Marie, even if she is missing-in-action. Oh, and my dear readers, I'd like to ask you all about your opinion on a mysterious subject...WHERE IN THE WORLD DOES JACK SPARROW GET HIS RUM?! Seriously, it's like he makes appear out of thin air...maybe he does. Maybe Jack's a closet magician. Maybe he's got a pocket alcohol teleportor. I want to hear your guesses!

Dinner was a disaster. First off, Frank was constantly attempting to sit in Snape's lap and Riff-Raff was singing the Time Warp again and again in the background. Which made Hatter go mad and slam a fistfull of his neighbor's mashed potatoes into the alien's face. Unfortuntately, that neighbor happened to be Hellboy and he was pissed about having Hatter's hands in his spuds, so he conked the madman on the head at leisurely intervals with his stone fist.

It was like watching a color-TV version of The Three Stooges.

Gimli ground his teeth and tapped his fingers against the wood of the table in aggrivation. Jack Sparrow offered him a drink of his rum (where does he get it?!), but the Dwarf refused. "I'm not in the mood for alcohol." He said miserably.

Jack nodded and knocked back another gulp. "We'll find 'er mate."

Gimli slammed his fist against the table. "No, we won't! Not at this rate! Every second that we waste might spell out doom for her."

Willy shook his head. "Not necessarily. The span of time across the different ACs can differ exponentially. She could be gone for what seems like hours to us, but actually have been in a canon for a minute or two."

Just then Edward pulled the three of them down as a flying saucer came whizzing right in their direction. They rose slowly, glaring at Jareth, who had tried to turn the dish into another crystal and had failed. Jareth blew frustratedly out of the side of his mouth. "I apologize, my friends. It seems magic doesn't work in science-fiction ACs."

Gimli pushed his chair away from the table abrubtly and grunted his distaste for the entire situation. He hadn't taken two steps before something long, thin and wooden flew over his head and landed just inches from him. It was Gandalf's staff, who had been sitting next to Snape and and, consequently, had gotten it knocked out of his hand by the squabbling pair. Already, it had gone into portal mode and Gimli was sucked into a canon just as Marie had been. This time, however, the portal lingured long enough for everyone to leap at it just in time before it closed. Snape was the last and having been unable to unlatch Frank's fingers from his cloak, had been forced to take the mad alien scientist along for the rid. Those poor unfortunate souls...


	5. Close Encounters of the Headless Kind

I decided that I'd upload another chapter just to be safe in case I wouldn't be able to get on for another few days.

Snape: *Sarcastically* You plan for everything, don't you?

I didn't plan for you to be such an asshole.

Snape: Oh, why thank you!

*Shakes head* I own nothing, especially not the smartass over there.  
-

Gimli groaned as he awoke to find himself at the very bottom of a gigantic pile of Canon characters. Why did they always land on top of /him/? He wiggled and squirmed until he was out and caught his breath. His head swirled and he was seeing spots. He blinked a few times and then did a double-take. "Hammer and tongs!"

They had landed smack-dab on top of a covered bridge! It was a wonder that none of them hadn't fallen- "HELLLLP! *Gurgle, Glug, Gurgh* HELLPP!" He sighed. Scratch that. Austin had managed to fall in the river below. Typical, he probably had seen a particularly sexy fish down there and had fallen in trying to make a move.

"Austin!" He yelled down to the drowning man. "How did you get down there?!" Gimli grabbed a beam and shimmied down it into the river. He swam up to the tacky man and hauled him out of the water.

Austin spluttered and gasped."Well, you see there was this fish and I-"

Gimli held up a hand. "Stop right there, lad, just please stop." In the meantime, all of the others had woken up and realized where they were. Snape was cursing and Hatter just shrugged and spun his hat around on one finger. Willy looked terrified and had a creepy frozen 'I'm gonna die' smile on his face. Hellboy was already on the ground with Edward, Gandalf and the rest of the Fellowship. Jack decided he wanted to be a show-off and hooked his legs around a beam and did a sommersalt onto the ground. Jareth just conjured a crystal and floated down to the ground.

"Does anyone have any clue as to where we are?" He asked, brushing imaginary dust off of his immaculate poet's shirt.

Gandalf waved them over to a sign that had been overgrown by vines. "It reads 'Sleepy Hollow'." He smiled. "Sounds like a perfectly decently place. Nothing could ever go wrong in a place with such a quaint name like Sleep Hollow!" They all groan and glare at the cheerful Maia. He looked back blankly. "What? Was it something I said?"

"Oy!" Jack said, staring into the mist with the well-trained eye of a pirate. "Wha's tha'?" A dark shape was quickly coming towards them, as it got closer and closer, they saw that it was a man on horseback. Then the mist parted to reveal a grave sight. "E's got no HEAD!" Jack looked at Gimli, who had his axe at the ready. "Tha' ain't gonna do ya no good on a spook, mate!"

Legolas stepped up and stood bravely in front of them all. "I fear not those who are dead." The Headless Horseman rode up to him and his black horse reared as he flung a hatchet at the Elf. Legolas dodged it just in time and then added. "Except for him!"

Gimli drove his axe deep into the leg of the horse, but it didn't seem to bother the thing. It's master reached down and plucked the Dwarf off as it he were a flea and flung him off to the side. Gimli landed in a bit of mud and cursed with venom.

Aragorn crossed swords with the demonic entity and he was just about to lose when the Horseman stopped fighting for a moment, then galloped off.

Not even a minute later, another rider came into view. Fortunately, this one had a head. "Hello." Said the man in a pleasent, yet shakey voice. "My name is Constable Ichabod Crane. You'll think I've gone around the bend, but pray tell me if you happened to see a Headless Horseman ride by?"


	6. One Head is better than none!

Hmmm. I guess I'm back on schedule with my updates, which is good thing.

Snape: Not for me!

Shut up. Anyway, I think the updates will start to become regular now that everything has settled down. You know, it's odd, this chapter. The idea came to me because I am to be cast in a production of Sleepy Hollow-

Hatter: That's neat.

Hatter! How nice to see you here! I haven't seen much anyone else here in the Chapter notes except for Snape.

Hatter: That's because he shut up everyone in the basement so that he could degrade you without interruption.

Snape: WHY DID YOU TELL HER THAT! NOW SHE'LL GO AND LET THE REST OF THOSE ANNOYING BUGGERS OUT!

...The Chapter Notes have a basement?

Snape: This space is like the Room of Requirement. Anything you need, it's here.

Well, I need a disclaimer.

[The fanfiction author 'Melda', does not own any of the copyrighted characters and/or settings portrayed in her storys. However, certain aspects that she has projected (a.k.a. the plot and character 'Marie') into a certain circumstance are her own and let it now be stated that no one shall attempt to recreate them in any way without Melda's expressed permission.]

*Beams* Wow. That was a little long-winded-

Snape: *Sighs* Legal technicalities always are.

-But it was still pretty cool.

Hatter: I'm going to go and make myself some tea.

Wait, shouldn't you let everyone out first?

Hatter: They'll be fine until I'm done. Marie's got it all under control.

*Shakes head* Haven't you learned anything? You should never let Marie be in control of /anything/.

Hatter: *Giggles* I know! That's why she's in charge.

Snape: He has no idea what he has unleashed.

Neither have I, unfortunately. And I created her!

-

"He went that way." Hatter pointed in a different direction with each hand.

Severus stepped in front of the madman. "Ignore the insane imbecile, my good man. As I can see that you are an intelligent man of strong mettle, I will gladly inform you of the direction in which the headless fiend went."

"'Ey! Why don' he trea' us like tha'?" Asked Jack in an offended manner.

Willy smiled wryly. "Because Jack, he is a buttwipe."

Jack chuckled. "Well, tha' makes sense."

The Constable sat straighter up on his horse. "However, before I attend to the matter of dispelling the rumor of the Horseman, I'll have to ask you all why you are here."

Jareth frowned. "And what if we don't want to tell you?"

Constable Crane shiffle uncomfortably. "Then I'll...um..uh..have you arrested!"

"Willy raised an eyebrow. "On what grounds?"

Ichabod bit his lip and then noticed that Austin was soaking wet. "On the grounds that you were planning on getting yourselves wet, and therefore vulnerable to colds, which can easily be spread from person to person..in short, bioterrorism!" He was obviously pleased with himself at having come to that conclusion.

Arwen stepped forward. "Please, we're not here to cause trouble! We're only searching for our friend."

"Your friend?"

Arwen nodded. "Yes. She's about five feet tall with short, curly brown hair that sticks up oddly all over her head. She has green eyes, answers to the name Marie and usually acts as if she's constantly hopped up on a mixture of illegal substances."

Ichabod shook his head. "I'm afraid you're looking in the wrong place. I've never seen anyone in Sleepy Hollow matching that description." He thought for a moment. "However, as an officer of the law, it is my duty to offer my services to those in need of my help. Would you accept it?"

Hellboy smirked. "What do you think, guys? You think he'd be tough enough to run with us? He seems to be a bit of a pansey to me." He hauled the constable off his horse.

Ichabod blushed and glared at him. "I beg your pardon?"

"You have it!" Hellboy replied cheekily.

Sweeney Todd and approached the constable. "Don't worry, he'll be just as insane as we are by the end." Said the demon barber.

cackled and draped herself across Todd's shoulders. "And if not, he looks like he'd make an absolutely delicious pie!"

Here Ichabod finally began to show his wit and sense of mind. "oh, I'm afraid that's a terrible idea, madame. You see, I'm awefully allergic to pie. Why, I'd sneeze apart the dough!"

Tarrant giggled crazily at that remark. "I like him!" He seized Ichabod by the arm and drug him up to Gandalf. "Can we keep him, plllleeaaasseee? I'll feed him and water him and take him out for walks and-"

"I'm not a pet, my dear sir!" Protested the Constable, trying to shake off Hatter from his elbow.

Snape groaned and face-palmed. "Whoever is up there, please have mercy and kill me now!"

The old wizard smiled. "Welcome to the family, young man." He returned his attention to the others. "We've wasted enough time now." He slammed his staff into the ground and a geyser exploded into his face. After a few minutes of grouchily wringing out his beard, he stepped back. The newest portal was a clear blue and rippled.

And so they were on their next adventure. Who know what awaited them? Horror? Calamity? Angst?...Hilarity?


	7. That is the question!

Aragorn: It's great to finally be out of the basement!

Hellboy: Yeah. *Sneakily* Hey, we should get back at Snape for locking us in there.

Jack: Bu' how? Bloke knows bloody everything!

Willy: We could lock him in with Hatter and Marie. That'd really drive him insane!

Jareth: *Deviously* No, we should lock him in with *he gives them an evil look and they nodd, catching on quickly*

In Unison: Frank! *They all run off in search of Frank and Snape*

I own nothing and take no part whatsoever in the torture that these characters put each other through.

-

The best way to start this chapter would be; glug, glarggle, gurgle, glugg. You see, the portal had transported them right into the middle of an Ocean. Or it could have been a large lake..or an especially wide river. It was definitly an ocean, though. Maybe.

Anyway, it was a large body of water and they were all swimming in it. Well, actually, Austin was pushing his head out of the water by pushing down on Snape and Aragorn's heads, but that counts, right? Yeah, I didn't think so either.

"I see a ship!" Announced the newest member of the team, Ichabod Crane.

And there was most definitly a ship moving quickly towards them. They shouted and did everything they could to be noticed and were relieved when they saw men jump overboard into the water to rescue them.

After they'd been safely hauled onboard and given linen towels to help them dry off, a tall and dark-haired young man approached. "I am Prince Caspian of Narnia, welcome aboard my vessel!" He smiled kindly. "Would it be prying if I asked you what you were doing in the middle of the sea?"

"Sea?" The wizard said with a confused expression. "We were so very sure that it was an ocean."

"Or a lake!"

"Or a river!"

Gandalf shook his head, flinging water droplets everywhere. "Anyway, my name is Gandalf. We came to this Canon in search of a friend of ours named Marie who has gotten lost within the Canon-verses. Can you help us?"

Caspian frowned."I don't remember meeting a 'Marie', but perhaps if you could show me what she looks like..."

Gandalf began to dig through his robes. "Actually, I might have a photograph right here-" He was about to hand it to Caspian when Snape suddenly snatched it away.

"Hold on, old man. I wouldn't even bother showing that to him. I don't trust this royal dunderhead. He probably couldn't tell Marie from a Hobbit!" He said with a vicious glare at the astounded prince.

"Well," Merry interjected. "You have to admit that she does look like a Hobbit in a way."

"What?" Pippin shook his head."No, she doesn't! She looks nothing like a Hobbit!"

"She's got the extremely curly hair." Merry pointed out observantly. "And she's not exactly tall, either."

"She doesn't have Hobbit feet, though, sirs." Sam reminded them.

"How do you know?" Merry asked. "She could, it isn't impossible for her to have Hobbit feet."

Pippin grinned. "Hey, why don't we ask Gimli? He'll be sure to know! After all, she is his wife and he has to have seen her feet at least once."

"Good idea!" Merry tugged at Gimli's sleeve. "Gimli, does Marie have Hobbit feet?"

Gimli got red in the face. "Of course not!" He bellowed. "Why in the world would you think that?" He got into a rant and everyone tuned out at that point.

Ichabod nudged Tarrant. "Is it always like this?"

Hatter grinned widely and nodded. "Yep, it's great fun, isn't it?"

"And what about when this 'Marie' is here?" The constable asked warily.

"It gets even better!"

Snape stomped up to them and growled. "No, it isn't! It's always so much worse! Do you know how much trouble she got us into last time with her chronic bad luck?" He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Everyone stared at him for a few moments. He glared back for a while, but had to avert his eyes finally. "Fine! I give up! I'll say it..." He took a big breath. "Damn, I miss that minescule menace to society."

Jareth smirked. "About time he admitted it."


	8. The Key Lies within the chamberpot

Hey peoples!

Snape: I can't believe you did that to me. It was the ultimate humiliation!

Well, maybe if you were a bit nicer to me, I wouldn't force you to do all the dirty work...no pun intended..

Snape: I despise you.

*Smiles* I love you, too, buddy. I also own nothing.

Snape: Including a brain!

During the time in which the gang was stuck aboard the Dawn Treader, something very strange was going on within the Canon-Verse. Something very strange, indeed. Something so strange that it would be impossible to fit all of adjectives to describe how strange it was for something like that to be going on.  
A man named Jereomy was the one who had first noticed this strangeness, but he has no relevence to the story as of right now, so let's just ignore him...even though he's doing that annoying clicking thing with his pen while he watches the screen of his laptop intently. We can ignore the incessent clicking...hopefully.

Back to the Dawn Treader, Gandalf was once again hanging over the side of the ship, his face completely green. Snape was acting as Commander and Chief in his stead. He had taken custody of the Maia's staff and had ordered it to be secured with a chain upright against a wall so that no 'accidents' would happen.

Prince Caspian was arguing with Reepicheep about who would have the honor of going with them to the next AC. "With all due respect," Said the mouse through gritted teeth. "I believe you should remain here /because you are captain!/"

Caspian rolled his eyes. "That's easily remedied, all I have to do is appoint someone else captain."

Reepicheep glared at him through narrowed beady eyes. Then he began to chuckle and everyone knows that when a mouse laughs...some badass shit is gonna go down. "How are you planning to pick the captain?"

Caspian bit his lip. "Um.."

Reepicheep smirked. "Let me help you out." He took in a deep breath and shouted at the top of his voice. "NOSE GOES!" Then put his finger on his nose, as did everyone else on the ship /besides/ Caspian. Reepicheep grinned up at the confused prince. "Well, there you have it, /Captain/ Caspian."

Caspian snapped his fingers. "Awwww, man!"

Reepicheep faced his new allies. "Well, could someone unlock the staff so that we can move on?"

Hellboy grinned apologetically. "Yeah..um...about that..." He laughed nervously. "You know how Snape said to put it in a place where no one could get to it?" They all nodded slowly, wondering what he could get at. "Ah, yeah, well...I made sure no one could get at it, alright."

Snape glared at the red behemoth. "What did you do?"

"I ate it."

"YOU ATE THE BLOODY KEY?!"Snape screamed so loud that the seagulls that had been perched on the top of the mizzenmast flew off squawking with fright.

Hellboy's stomach rumbled and he made a half-hearted attempt at a grin. "There's good news, though." He told the potions master.

"And what is that?" Growled Snape.

Hellboy shrugged, embarrassed."I have to go to the bathroom now." Everyone groaned and Gandalf retched over the starboard side a few more times.

~One hour later~  
Snape came out of the chamber pot looking like someone had exploded a bomb in his face. He was haggard and his nose was pinched closed by a clothespin. He wore leather gloves and was holding a dull brass key far away from his face. "I've gotten it." He wheezed. "It took a lot of manuvering, but I have it."

"What about Red?" Liz inquired worriedly. "Is he alright?"

Snape shook his head. "He was very strong throughout the entire process, even though there was a great deal of pain he managed to pull through. He's in bed resting now." Liz ran into the Captain's cabin to check on her husband while Snape gingerly unlocked the staff.

Jareth frowned as he watched the potions master do this. There was something familiar about those leather gloves..then it hit him. "YOU USED MY GOOD PAIR OF GLOVES TO RUMMAGE THROUGH HELLBOY'S EXCREMENT!" He shouted furiously as he tackled the wizard. He bonked poor Severus on the nose with a crystal, causing the clothespin to fly off and strike Pippin in the eye.

"I'M BLIND!" Screeched the Hobbit as he ran around in circles. He accidently stepped on Reepicheep's tail at one point and then ran into the mast, where he fell in a heap, dazed and half-concious.

Reepicheep sniffed as he inspected his abused tail, only to yelp and be forced to jump out of the way of the staff, which had, despite Snape's best efforts, been once again knocked to the ground. It hit the deck with a resounding thud and a black and white portal appeared. It swirled in lazy circles, but this time the portal did not fade right away.

"Stop fighting you two and jump into the damn portal!" Aragorn commanded as he lept in, followed by Jack, Hatter, Willy, the Hobbits (Pippin was being led by Merry), Mistofelees, Gandalf (who had to be practically propped up), Boromir, Gimli, and Thing. Frank pried Jareth off of Snape and drug the wizard in after him. Jareth followed almost immediatly along with the rest of them, but just before they jumped in, Ichabod furrowed his brow and cocked his ear to the side. "Does anyone else hear a pen clicking?"


	9. Noted Insanity

Hello, peoples!

Snape: *Walks by whistling* Good evening, Melda.

*taken aback* Uhmm..hi.

Snape: Would you mind if I asked to borrow a match?

*Searches pockets* Sure, what do you want it for?

Snape: Oh, nothing of any importance. *Walks away whistling*

Willy:*Walks in* Hi, Melda.

It's nice to see that you're out of the basement, Willy.

Willy: Yeah. Hey, I heard Snape cursing you again.

He does that a lot. What about it?

Willy: He said something about a third installment...?

Yes, I *am* planning another one. However, I refuse to reveal anything about it just yet.

Willy: Oh? Well, I hope you plan on memorizing it.

Why?

Willy: Because he's plotting to set the manuscript on fire.

...DAMMIT! *Starts chasing after Snape* Give me back that match! *Runs out of Chapter Notes*

Willy: *fixes his collar and smiles* I suppose that I should do the disclaimer since our beloved Melda is *Cough* busy...*Far off, Snape screams and Willy glances over his shoulder, alarmed*...anyway..Melda does not own me or anything else besides Marie and the plot. *Bows and exits*  
-

L crouched next to the pile of people. He reached over to the table and grabbed a chocolate-covered strawberry and popped it into his mouth. "Interesting." He mumbled, glancing up at Watari. "I must admit I am stumped as to how so many people could be transported into the room without our knowledge."

One of them began to stir. He was a short man with a heavy brown beard. "Eh?" He blinked and looked around, and spotting L, he cleared his throat. "Hello."

L sipped some hot chocolate and resumed his customary sitting position. "Good afternoon. Would you like something to eat?" He offered a sweet to the Dwarf, who shrugged and thanked him. "How did you get in here without triggering any alarms?" L observed him objectively.

"Who's that?!" Hatter jumped out of the pile and Gimli could have groaned. Tarrant grinned at L, who stared blankly back at him. "He reminds me of a frog."

Light, who was lurking in the background, snickered. L frowned. "I'm not a frog." He said in a slightly irritated tone.

Near walked into the picture happily and confidently. "Well, I guess that means I can take over this show now!"

Mello tackled him from behind and bit his shoulder. "No, I claim the position of replacement L!" He growled and they wrestled on the ground.

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TWO!" L shouted at the battling duo. "YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTL I'M DEAD!"

They both stopped and studied the ground guiltily. "But L!" Protested Near. "That's like waiting for Christmas to come!"

L rolled his eyes and went back to staring at their guests. "Listen up, people. I'm about to deliver some genius at your doorstep, okay?"

"Uhm..." Mello said.

L bit his thumbnail and sighed. "Through my excellent deductive skills, I have come to the conclusion that this group of people saved the Canon-verse three years ago from an over-abudence of Mary-Sues, and have now come to our Canon in search of one of the missing members of their party."

Light slammed his fist against the table with great force. "This is why we should not trust him when he insists that I am Kira! How in the hell would he know something like that when they've only been here for three minutes?!"

L raised an eyebrow and held up a newspaper between his thumb and pointer finger. It showed an article written about the adventures of Marie and the gang. "I subscribe to Canon-Weekly." L said. "Duh."

Jack got and brushed himself off and peered at the newspaper. "I remember tha' in'erview...Tha' mosquito woman was really rude."

"Rita Skeeter." Snape pried Frank's arms from around his waist. "She's a bitch." He made to walk forward, but his foot hit a black notebook on the floor. He frowned and picked it up. "Whose is this?" He asked. Suddenly, his eyes went wide and his jaw dropped open. "NOT ANOTHER FLYING MONKEY!" He dropped the Death Note and backed up.

"What are you talking about?" Willy asked. "There aren't any flying monkeys in here."

Snape glared at him and pointed directly at Ryuk. "What do you mean, you imbecile? Are you blind? IT'S RIGHT FUCKING THERE!"

Gandalf sighed. "I think Snape has been breathing in fumes from the Gillyweed again."


	10. Something Wicked this way comes

*Looks around and sees no one* I guess I'm on my own today...wait! *Listens intently* What is that sound?

Oh...it's called silence..

...Huh, it's kind of lonely up here without anybody to talk to. Not to mention boring. I wonder where everyone went. Snape probably managed to lock them up again or something, but he would be here if he had.

Where /is/ everyone?

*Sighs* I own nothing except for Marie and the plot. *Walks away* I guess nobody came because nobody cared...  
-

Our friends were blissfully unaware that something horrible was going on within the Canon-verse. Something much more terrible than Sues...

And here we have Jereomy, once again typing furiously away at his laptop. He watched the figures being displayed on the screen with dismay. He had calculated that the urgency of things would increase by a rate of 3% every hour.

A pretty woman walked into the library and Ozmirik looked up. She waved at the Castle's librarian, who returned it with a smile. She was munching an apple as she came up behind Jereomy. "What's up, doc?"

He frowned. "We need to call in Incarnadine, Linda. There's an disproportionate amount of energy accumulating within the aspect that usually resides on the left wall of the northern dungeons."

"Is it really that bad?" She asked worriedly.

He nodded gravely. "But I'm sure that the King will know what to do."

**********************************************************

Reepicheep was perched atop Gandalf's shoulder, his arms crossed. "What are we going to do now?" He asked.

L frowned and took a bite of lemon-merange pie. He wiped his mouth with a napkin before commenting. "Well, the most obvious course of action would be for you to take me with you to the next AC."

Near and Mello cheered loudly. "That means *we* get to take your place!"

L glared at them. "Temporarily, yes. Permanently, no." They both gave disappointed sighs and settled back onto the couch.

Mistofelees and Tugger were in the corner of the room and staring obsessively at Reepicheep. Misto put a paw to his mouth to tell Tugger to be quiet. Slowly, Misto crept up behind Gandalf and his tail whipped around behind him in slow motion. Then, he lunged! Reepicheep was caught by surprise and Gandalf was knocked to the floor, his staff flying out of his hand and landing on the floor.

Reepicheep fended off Mistofelees with his sword and Misto growled frustratedly. "Suffering succotash!" He muttered, before slinking away.

Gandalf pushed himself off of the floor and brushed off his robes. He noticed with dismay that yet another portal had been created by accident. "I want no more of that!" He scolded the conniving felines. "No Canon should try to eat the other!" He pointed at the innocently glowing portal. "Now, see what you've done? Who knows where we're going next because of you!"

Meanwhile, Snape was still glaring at Ryuk, who was floating innocently in front of his nose, laughing. "Will you shut up?" Snape snarled.

Merry poked Pippin. "Snape's talking to his imaginary friend again!" He said in an amused whisper.

Ryuk grinned. "Do you have any apples?"

"Why the fuck would I have an apple?" Snape shouted at the apparition.

"Severus!" Gandalf snapped, already in a bad mood as he was barely over his motion-sickness and had now been the unsuspecting victim of a pouncing. "Quit talking to your hallucination and come on! We've got to get on to the next canon!"

Grumbling, Snape rose up and Ryuk followed with a smirk. "Ooh, this is gonna be good!" Ryuk cackled and rubbed his hands together gleefully.

One by one, two by two, they all went, L being the last and he pointedly glared at Light. "You ARE Kira! I have spoken!" Then he jumped before Light could muster suitable reply.

"-and then there was this HUMONGOUS Plot-Bunny and it roared like a T-Rex!" Marie said to her captivated audience.

"What happened next? Were you scared?" Asked nervously as he fiddled with his pocketwatch.

Marie smiled mysteriously and giggled. "You'll have to wait until tomorrow, it's getting late and I'm kinda tired." There was a collective groan, but she crossed her arms stubbornly. "Tomorrow, and that's final."

The League dispersed and went their separate ways. Marie yawned and went down the hall to her bedroom, where she collapsed on the bed. Her first day in this canon had been exhausting, mentally, physically and emotionally. She rubbed the ring on the third finger of her left hand and tears welled up in her eyes. She missed him so much. Oh, who was she kidding? She missed them all. She began to wonder if they would ever find her or not. The prospect overwhelmed her and she started to sniffle. "Gimli.." She cried into her pillow. "Please, please find me!"

Slowly, she quieted and her breathing became even. She was snug in her bed, while visions of singing Dwarves danced in her head.


	11. Apocolyptic Consequences

Hi!

Snape: *Grumbles* Hello, my dear.

Why are you being so nice?

Snape: I'm depressed. I'm only kind when I'm depressed.

Oh...why are you depressed?

Snape: I tried to lock up those ibeci-I mean, /lovely people/ back up in the basement again. However, I managed to trap myself in as well!

So that's why you were gone last chapter! *Grins* I wondered what had happened to you all. So how did you get out?

Snape: Hatter picked the lock with a hatpin. Then he made us all buy him tea as reward. I SPENT FIFTY SICKLES ON A FRICKIN' TEA SHIPMENT! IT WASN'T EVEN EARL GRAY FOR MERLIN'S SAKE!

I own nothing. :D

Oh and, to my dear reviewer Myli: J'ai utilisé Google translate pour cela, j'espère que c'est exact. Désolé si c'est pas le cas. Nous vous remercions de l'examen et de l'encouragement. Oui, c'est un peu sale, mais j'espère que vous me pardonnez. Les dix prochaines années seront prochainement. Vous savez très bien l'anglais, soit dit en passant, vous avez mon respect, car il est très difficile d'apprendre ou de ce que j'ai entendu.

Birds twittered cheerily in the trees and a breeze blew gently, ruffling the unconcious party's clothes and tugging playfully at their hair. Gimli opened his eyes to see a beautiful blue sky. "Where are we?" He groaned, pushing himself up to get a better view.

The others were also rubbing their heads, clearing the blur and confusion away that the pounding headaches were causing. Gandalf used his staff to haul himself to his feet. He blinked and smacked his lips, then glanced around. Slowly, recognition dawned and his eyes widened in horror. "We're back in Reality!" He said in a panicked voice.

"What!" Jareth jumped up, regretting it instantly because he began to sway on his feet. "But that means we only have twenty minutes before we go..." He made a cloud of glitter."..POOF!"

Gandalf started to pat down his robes, then he stopped and grabbed ahold of Gimli. "Gimli, do you still have the magic ring I made for you so that you could visit Marie's parents?"

Gimli nodded and unbraided his beard. The ring had been securely held by the knots of hair, but now he pulled it free of it's constricting strands. "Here it is, why? It will only work for one person."

"But if I duplicate it." Gandalf held the ring in his palm and waved his hand over it. There was then a second identicle twin of the ring. "If there is enough time, I can manage to get us all one and we can stay here!"

"Why would you want to stay in Reality, it isn't likely that Marie would have been sent back home." Willy interjected, freeing himself from the ungraceful pile.

"No, but there /is/ someone here that can help us." Gimli paced back and forth. "I met her when I came to visit Marie's family just before we were married. She's Marie's best friend and neighbor."

"Just one problem." Snape said dryly, slapping Frank's wandering hands away for the umpteenth time in the last five minutes. "We have no clue where we are in this Universe."

"Actually," Gimli smirked at the potions master. "The ring takes me right within a two mile radius of Marie's house."

"Convenient." Snape muttered. He noticed that Ryuk was hovering above his head again. "Oh no! How did you get here?!"

Ryuk cackled madly and did some crazy acrobatics consisting of loop-the-loops and spins. "I'm here to watch your misery!" He rubbed his hands together.

"Hmmm." Legolas grinned and nudged Gimli. "They have people who provide mental help here, don't they? Gynocologists, I think they're called."

Gimli blushed at the Elf's misstep. "Err..no..they call them phsycologists, Master Elf."

"Oh, well. Perhaps we could put in a call for one of those? Mister Snape seems as if he needs help..." He snickered at the glower he recieved from the supposedly mentally-strained teacher.

Gandalf had been continously making rings during this and had successfully created one for every character. He presented them cheerfully to the group. "Remember to NEVER take this off, otherwise you will only last twenty minutes." He warned gravely as he slipped on one of his own. "Also, these copies will only last for about three hours, so I suggest we find this friend of Marie's and then get out."

They walked and walked, guided by their rings, until they came to the familiar house from their earlier adventures. "This is it, then." Gimli announced proudly, gesturing to the other home only a few hundred yards from Marie's. "That is Eleanor's place. Or, as Marie calls her, Ellie."

The group followed him over, where he stood hesitantly on the other woman's porch. Legolas saw the curtains in one window pull open a tiny bit to reveal a curly wisp of red hair and a single gray-blue eye peering out. "It's not polite to lingure in doorways." Called the mostly invisible occupant as the door opened before them.

Gimli was the first to come in, he insisted it was because that Ellie knew him, but secretly he was happy to have the upper hand on this rowdy group who were so restless in this uncomfortable place. He was used to it, after all, he was married to a native! "Ellie, It's me, Marie's fiancee!"

Suddenly, out of nowhere popped up a beaming red-headed lady. Her gray-blue eyes sparkled and she bent down to take the Dwarf in a bone-crushing hug. "Gimli! I haven't seen you in person for years!" She ginned mischieviously. "But then again...I haven't seen much of Marie either...I suppose you've been keeping her VERY busy?"

The Dwarf was embarrassed. "Uhm..right..listen, Ellie, that's what we've come to talk to you about."

Ellie opened the door wide, revealing a tasteful living room. "Come it, then! No need to be shy, come right in." The inside was bright and airy, but slightly cluttered. Every possible surface was covered with diagrams and numbers and logic puzzles. A space had been cleared for a humming laptop, which had a Word document page on the screen that displayed rows and rows of numbers. She smiled at her guests. "Maybe it would be best if I introduced myself to the rest of you first." She swept into a bow. "I'm Ellie. I work with Marie at the Post Office. I deliver the fanmail and such things to the Anime and Manga canons, as well as the video game canons and other such things. Basically everything that Marie does not cover, I do." She sat down and, taking that as a cue, the others did, too. Some of them had to sit of the floor, or even sit on each other. "Now, what did you want to talk to me about?"

Gimli drew a deep breath. "Ellie...Marie is missing."

He winced at Ellie's reaction. "WHAAAAAAAAT?!" Her eyes were wide and she went pale, her freckles standing out against her skin in stark contrast.

"We were on a small holiday and she...fell through an unknown portal. We've been searching for her, but haven't had any luck with it so far and I thought you could help because you're in the Postal Service as well and you might know where to look." Gimli elaborated carefully, seeing the controlled outrage in her expression.

"You..lost..her?" Ellie's anger disappated and was replaced by anxiety. "Do you know what that means? The fanmail to the canons will be backed up! It would destroy the entire system! We're talking Apocolyptic consequences for every single fanfiction website, every single fangirl will go insane with no way to express their obsessions. They would take to the streets in mobs, burning and pilaging fan murchandise from the stores! It will be complete chaos!" She leaped from her chair, accidently stepping on Willy because of the closely packed gang. "We have to find her before it is too late to reverse the damage already done!"

Gandalf rose and picked his way out of the crowd. "How would proceed, my dear?"

Ellie grabbed her postal hat and jacket as she marched out of the house, the canon gang following her out the door and into the yard. "Marie likes to guess where she ends up, but if she wore her hat more often than just to your canon Gimli, then she could control where she'd end up. With my hat, I can take you anywhere in the Canon-verse."

"But can you pull a bunny out of it?" Asked Hatter with a smug look. He reached into his top hat and drew out Nivens McTwisp. "Hello, McTwisp. What time is it?"

"YOU'RE LATE! YOU'RE LATE!" Screamed the rabbit. "YOU'RE LATE FOR A VERY IMPORTANT DATE!"

Hatter shoved McTwisp back into the hat. "She can deal with it." He replied cheerily.

"Oookaaay.." Ellie raised any eyebrow, but ignored the outburst. "Anyway, I can also take you guys to the core of the Postal Service. It has maintained and stable portals to each canon there. It's better than wandering around in the dark like you guys have been doing for the longest time." She held out her hands to Gandalf and to Hatter. "Everyone grab ahold of each other, this is going to be a rough ride."


	12. Our Destination is Perilous

Ichabod: Hi! I'm standing in for Melda today because she seems to have caught a particularly nasty cold.

Snape: Not so nasty that she can't write, apparantly.

Ichabod: Yes, well. I think she's a perfectly lovely person to keep on writing through her illness. She doesn't want to let her readers down.

Snape: I'm taking her some Pepper-Up potion.

Ichabod: I thought you didn't like her?

Snape: I don't, however I have learned that it is easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar, so I am being nice to her in the hopes that she will end this madness.

Ichabod: Whatever you say...*clears throat* Anyway, none of us belong to Melda. She only owns the plot and Marie. Thank you and enjoy the chapter. *Leaves*

-

The air swirled around them, creating a vortex that whipped their hair about their faces. It became stronger and stronger as Ellie concentrated harder, her eyes were squeezed shut and her mouth drawn down into a grimace.

The wind was now a mixture of colors, blues and greens and reds all dancing together, twirling, twisting, and winding around each other. There was a grand clap of thunder and then they were gone. Nothing was left within reality to say that they had ever been there.

When they next opened their eyes, they were standing outside a rather large castle, even as castles go, this place was humongous! Ellie calmly went right up to the guard at the door, he wore a fuzzy green hat and a bristly mustache. "We've come to see the wizard."

"Nobody sees the wizard! Not nobody, not no how!" The guard said.

"But I've got the hat!" Ellie pointed at her identifying accessory.

The man stroked his mustache, then sighed. "A member of the Fandom Postal Service? Well, I guess that means I have no right to stand in your way. Go right on in." The door creaked open and they marched inside.

A man stepped out of the wall and smiled at them. He had brown hair, blue eyes, and a strong square jaw. His deep purple robes reached to his feet, but they shimmered and disappeared as he walked towards them, instead turning into worn jeans and a button-up shirt. "Hello, I am King Incarnadine, owner of the Castle Perilous and Wizard extrordinair. How may I help you?"

"Incarnadine! Don't you recognize me?" Ellie said, slightly hurt. "I work for you, for goodness' sakes!"

He laughed, embarrassed at his faux pass. "Oh, my dear. I'm sorry. There are so many guests that make their way here that I have a hard time distinguishing them from my employees!" He waved them along behind them. "I suppose you're here because you've encountered the same trouble we've been having?"

She glanced at him, surprised. "What do you mean? I'm only here because Marie Radcliffe, one of your postmistresses and my friend, has become lost in the Canon-verse without her gear. Is there another problem?"

Incarnadine turned around abruptly. "We are having trouble with a portal in the northern dungeon. It seems that we've detected a sudden increase of energy there." They continued on down what seemed to be a never-ending hallway with doors on all sides. "We suspect that it is a gathering of evil forces. Antagonists from the Canon-verse bent on destruction and revenge." He pushed the last door open and led them into a cavernous library. "Ozzy!"

An elderly man dressed in robes that bore a similarity to the ones Incarnadine had previously shed hurried up to the king and bowed quickly. "Your Majesty?"

"Where's Jereomy?"

"At the back of the library, Sire, He's keeping an eye on the portal."

Incarnadine smiled kindly at him and nodded. "Thank you!" The other man bowed and went back to his desk, a feather quill in hand. "This is where I must leave you. I have things to attend to." He disappeared.

Ellie rolled her eyes. "Don't mind him, he's a bit absentminded at times."

"This entire organization is absentminded." Grumbled Snape, glaring at Ryuk the entire time. "What do you want?" He growled at the grinning Shinigami.

Ellie was confused. "I don't want anything."

Boromir tapped her on the shoulder. "He's talking to his imaginary friend."

"Oh."

Ryuk giggled maniacally. "I WANT APPLES!" Snape tried to smack him, but the pesky apparition darted out of the way in time.

A blond young man came from behind a bookshelf, a laptop under his arm. "What's going on?" He grinned when he noticed Ellie. "Oh, hi Ellie!"

"Hey, Jereomy!" They high-fived. "Haven't seen you in a long time."

He sighed. "Yeah, work keeps me pretty busy. Speaking of which, shouldn't you still be on vacation?"

She shrugged. "Marie got herself into a bit of a jam."

Jereomy doubled over laughing. "Does it actually involve jam this time?"

Ellie giggled into her hand. "No, thank goodness. It took forever to get that strawberry crap out of her hair. And it was all because -"

"-She was too short to reach it herself!" They said in unison and broke down in fits of mirth.

"Do you also feel like you've missed out on an important joke?" Pippin asked Merry in a whisper.

Ellie composed herself and wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. "Anyway, she's gotten herself lost within the Canon-verse and we have to go find her."

"You'd better find her soon, then. We're going to have to evacuate all of the personell from the Canons here in about twenty-four hours." Jereomy warned. He flipped the top of his laptop up and they watched a counter in red. "Usually, the amount of evil in a canon is naturally equal to that of the good. However, recently the evil beings have taken to gathering in a certain canon. We don't know how they are doing it, but we have seen a recent increase only in the past three years. Especially in the past week has there been an enormous amount of activity between canons."

Ellie bit her lip anxiously. "It sounds as if Marie's in more trouble than we thought. We'll have to double our efforts."

Jereomy nodded. "I'd come with you, but I need to watch this for any spikes." His expression turned thoughtful. "Though, I can get someone to come with you." He closed the tab with the counter on it. "Computer, transport sequence needed."

Words appeared on the screen. ~Enter in number and names of data to be transported~

"One. Snowclaw." Jereomy said to the whirring machine.

~Transport Sequence running~ The screen showed in white letters.

L crossed his arms. "I want a computer like that."

There was a Pop! as first what seemed to be a giant polar bear came onto the scene. It had long white fur and fangs that protruded from it's lips. "How did I get here?" It said in English, much to the Canon characters' surprise.

"It talks!" Legolas exclaimed, earning himself a glare. Ellie patted the Elf comfortingly and he smiled at her. At least there was /someone/ who didn't think he always pointed out the obvious.

"Of course I talk." The..thing..said in a rumbling voice. "Now has anyone seen my bottle of furniture polish?" He glanced around and noticed that it was on the floor. He grabbed it up and chugged down the contents, then he chucked the bottle into the wastebasket at the other end of the library. He belched. "Two points."

Jereomy chuckled at their amazement. "That's Snowclaw, he'll be helping you out in your next Canon."

"I will?"

Jereomy didn't answer back. "Now, what canon do you want to go to next? I can pull up a portal and anchor it here for a few minutes."

Ellie thought for a minute. "It doesn't matter really. I'd like to start with something I'm used to, though. How about an Anime or Manga Canon? I know my way around those."

"Okay, any one in particular?"

"No."

"Alright." He pushed a couple of keys, the machine whirred again and there was a portal, only inches from Ellie's feet. "I'll make sure to seal it when you're all in."

"You have to seal them?" Gandalf suddenly asked.

"Yeeeesss." Ellie faced him. "You didn't know that?"

"Uhmmm..." The Maia shifted uncomfortably. "I thought they closed themselves up after a while..."

"/Some/ of them do, yes. But others need a nudge or two in the right direction, otherwise they can stay open for years.." Ellie clapped her hand to her mouth and turned panicked eyes to Jereomy. He met her gaze and sucked in a breath. She whirled on Gandalf. "SO ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU LEFT THEM OPEN?!"

"Yes." Gandalf answered, looking guilty.

Ellie turned away and shook her head. "Oh my..we need to get Marie back for sure now. We'll have to go back and close those portals before anything else happens." She glared at Gandalf. "Marie can't close portals by herself, that's the one thing that she's never been good at when it comes to this job. However, I bet that she assumed that because you opened portals, you closed them as well."

Jereomy closed the laptop. "I must inform Incarnadine of this."

Ellie took in a deep breath and jumped into the portal, but not before glaring one last time at the guilty Maia. They all slipped into the portal, at last, only Snowclaw was left. "Do I have to?" He yawned. "Great White Stuff, I just ate and now I have to go right into the action!"

Jereomy punched the giant on the arm. "Aw, come on Snowy. You haven't had an adventure in a long time."

"I guess you're right." He jumped into the portal and Jereomy ordered the computer to seal and replace the portal.


	13. Drag Me to Hellsing

*Cough* Hello everyone.

Snowclaw: Are you feeling alright, Melda?

No, still under the weather, Snowy.

Snowclaw: Didn't Snape take you a Pepper-Up potion?

Yes, and my ears are still smoking. However, my cold seems to be a very stubborn one.

Snowclaw: Well, I wish you the best.

*Sniff* Thanks, Snowy. By the way, everyone, I own nothing except Marie, Ellie, and the plot.

Alucard finished off the freak vampire with a disgusted shot to the forehead. "Not even worth my time." He said regretfully. This one hadn't even given him a proper fight!

He heard something slam into the ground outside the abandoned warehouse and he turned around grinning. "Sounds like fun." He said eagerly. He ran outside to investigate and came upon a strange sight. There was a pile of humans, out from which wriggled a red-haired one with a bright blue hat. He held out a hand and pulled her up.

She brushed herself off. "Thanks..."

He grinned down at her, the brim of his fedora coating his face in shadow. "Alucard. And you are?"

"Eleanor, but you can call me Ellie." She peered around him. "Say, have you seen a young woman about this high," She held up her hand to just below her shoulder. "With green eyes and wildly curly hair?"

"No." He said, turning his attention to her comrades. "Where did you all come from?"

"From all over." Answered Willy as he, too, freed himself from the pile. "Why in the world do we always end up like this?"

Alucard smirked at them. "I'm afraid I've got to take you all back to the Hellsing organization. My Master will want to hear about this."

"You can tell your Master to shove it up his arse!" Snape unwisely retorted.

Alucard's face broke into a terrifying smile. His fangs were visible and shadows swirled around him. "To begin with, my Master is a woman." He leaned down so that he was only centimeters from Snape's face. "Secondly, /never/ talk about her in a disrespectful tone."

Snape gulped, his black eyes wide. "Er.."

L tapped Alucard on the his leather-clad shoulder."Excuse me." He said politely. Alucard raised an eyebrow and turned from Snape. L smiled slightly at him. "You haven't exactly been using the least obvious way of obscuring your name, Mister Dracula."

Alucard laughed. "I like you, you're funny." He stared at the rest of the group. "But I'm still going to take you to Hellsing."

"Man," Hellboy said with a small chuckle. "You put Snape in his place, so I'll follow you anywhere." They all shared smiles and agreed with him.

**********************************************************

Ellie accidently stumbled on the steps leading up Sir Integra's office. Before Legolas, who was behind her, could react, Alucard caught her and righted her. She smiled and thanked him. Legolas frowned. "I'll bet you are very popular with the ladies." He muttered.

Austin could resist. "Why do you think they called him Vlad the Impaler?" Everyone groaned and Jack smacked him upside the head with his rum bottle.

Alucard snickered. He actually liked these humans, they were turning out to be so much more fun than he would have supposed! They had reached Sir Integra's office by this time and he chuckled darkly when he heard banging and screeching. She was such a spitfire. He phased through the door, leaving them outside for the moment. "We have visitors." He announced.

She lit a cigar and took a deep drag. "Well, servant, let them in."

They were ushered into the office. Glaring at them was a tall blonde woman with a thin cigar between her lips. "Who are you?"

"How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail?" Hatter said absently, his eyes glazing over.

"Ignore him." Gimli said gruffly, pushing his way to the front. "Miss-"

"Sir Integra." She interrupted harshly.

"Sir Integra, we're looking for my wife Marie. She's about five feet tall with curly brown hair and green eyes. She's completely insane. Have you seen her? Please, we're desperate."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not interested in small matters like this-"

Ellie stomped up to Sir Integra and looked her straight in the eye. "The fate of the entire Canon-verse hangs in the balance. You are a Canon and it is your inheirent responsibility to care about that. Finding Marie is vital to the survival of your world." She glared at the hard blue eyes staring back at her. "Now are you interested?"

Integra nodded swiftly. "What are you planning to do about this and how can I help? Make your answer quick and to the point. I am a busy woman."

"Portals between Canons were accidently," She looked over her shoulder pointedly at Gandalf. "Left open and that allowed certain unsavory characters to slip through into other canons. We need to get Marie back, who fell through an unknown portal, so that we can close the portals."

Integra blew smoke out of the side of her mouth. "You'll need someone to go with you." She motioned Alucard over. "I'll have Officer Seras Victoria take over while you are gone."

"Police Girl?" Alucard drummed his fingers against the wood of her desk in a bored way. "But she can hardly stand to drink her rations. She'll be too weak."

"It is an order, servant." She said while shooing him away. "Now go and save the world. Make sure you come back with most of your limbs. You're more useful in one piece."

Alucard obeyed and bowed to her. "As you wish." He grinned.

Ellie smiled up at him as they left. "Finally we have a *real* vampire on our side!"

"What do you mean?" He asked curiously.

She shuddered and pointed at Edward Cullen. "He /sparkles/ in the daylight." Alucard laughed heartily as Edward turned around and frowned at them, obviously overhearing the conversation.

"Oh, that is classic." Alucard's red eyes locked with Edward's golden ones. "Someone certainly had a..colorful..imagination."

Once they were back outside, Ellie had them circle up and grasp hands. The hurricane winds and wild colors started up again. The thunder rolled and they were gone from that canon without a trace.


	14. Judas Priest

Hi peoplz!

: *Tuts in an admonishing tone* Melda! I'm surprised at you! The language in this chapter is not acceptable.

Sorry, I guess I should warn them, shouldn't I?

Snape: Why bother? You haven't warned them before.

Oh, shut up.

Snape: So /he/ gets to scold you, but not I? Discrimination, says I!

Shut the hell up, says I.

: Quiet, both of you. You're acting like a couple of children.

Well, I'm a child at heart. :D Anyway, folks, I don't own anything except for my two OCs and the plot.

-

Voldemort's spidery fingers were splayed against the wooden arms of the carved chair that he was seated upon. His red eyes glittered as he observed the villains around him.

For three long years, he had been planning this. Somehow, the idea had appeared in his head, almost like a whispery voice had whispered it into his misshapen ears. He had come upon the open portal and something about it had just..spoken to him.

He chuckled to himself. Of course he had come up with this idea on his own! Who could be smarter than himself, all others in this universe were his to manipulate, his to control, because he was the ULTIMATE being. Plus, when he was master of this new universe he planned to create, women would be lining up to get on his good side. He frowned, he hadn't been laid in /ages/ (unless one counted that crazy Lestrange bitch), after all, nose slits weren't all that becoming. He put his hand up to his face. Maybe he should consider plastic surgery, it was all the rage with those air-headed celebrities these days.

Jereomy heard the thump as they were returned to the Castle and sighed, shutting his laptop and placing his pen to the side. He saw two of them, one of them dressed in a red duster with a matching fedora and the other, strangely enough, dressed like a Catholic priest. With no warning, the two leaped up and, as soon as they caught sight of each other, began to quarrel.

When Ellie woke up, there was someone, as per usual, cursing and shouting. However, this person was tall, blond and waving around a weapon that was mainly pointed at Alucard. He was dressed like a priest and the light glinted off of his glasses. "Back, you monster of hell! BACK I SAY!"

Alucard pulled her out of the way just in time, otherwise she would have been impaled by the strange weapon the priest had thrown at the vampire. She fumed, tapping her foot in irritation. "Can you PLEASE tell me why that crazy blond dude is throwing garden spades at us?!"

Alucard burst out in a fit of laughter. "Those stupid toys? They're supposed to kill me." He landed a quick blow to the priest's jaw, which made a sharp crack as his fist connected. "Though, I don't know why he thinks that they will. He's had a million jabs at me with those things and they don't even leave a scar." Alucard was smirking and dodging each blow with ease, but not even bothering to disarm the man.

Ellie watched as the priest's jaw healed itself. She grew annoyed when Alucard was forced to push her to the floor to get her out of the way /again/. So she waited until the man was near enough and she struck out with her foot and kicked away the last of the weapons, then she quickly changed the angle so that she caught him in the stomach with another kick. "Yeah! I'm going Chuck Norris on your ass!" She exclaimed as he was bent over trying to catch his breath.

Alucard was smiling wide and his brilliant scarlet eyes sparkled with delight. "Oh, you are a violent young lady, aren't you?" He purred over her shoulder. "You know, I love that in a woman.."

She turned and raised an eyebrow at him, but then returned her attention to the priest. "Who are you and how did you get here?"

"I am Paladin Anderson and the sworn enemy of all the creatures of the night! I am the knight of God!" He announced proudly to them all. "I was swept into a whirlwind by the hand of the Holy One to rid the universe of his cursed kind!" He pointed at Alucard, who only rolled his eyes and leaned against a bookshelf polishing his wire-framed sunglasses.

Her eyes narrowed. "Well, I'm afraid that if you're going to come with us, that you will have to refrain from making attempts on the lives of our allies."

"Me?" Spat the priest. "Allied with /that/? I think not!"

She shrugged. "It's the only way to eventually get back to your own world, but if you don't want to go back, then we could just leave for the next canon without you-"

"Fine." Snapped the frustrated father. "Just do not expect me to save him from any flying garlic cloves or staves of wood that just happen to be aimed for his heart."

Ellie sighed. "Fair enough." She nodded at Jereomy, who typed up another order. A portal zoomed into the room and paused at their feet. It had a strange effect on it. It was pixelated!

Alucard bowed and stepped aside. "Ladies first, my dear." She hopped in and he stared at the portal for a few minutes before adressing the crowd. "Everyone knows that silly tradition was only invented so that we could observe the female form from behind." He licked his lips and followed her into the portal.

Willy frowned. "Is it just me or is that guy more than just a little creepy?"


	15. Welcome to the Madness, Mr Anderson

Ellie: Melda, I am blaming you for Alucard's unnatural attraction to me.

Well, I didn't think Frank and Snape should have all the fun, that's all.

Snape: YES! Finally, someone has a share in my misery!

Ellie: *Sweetly* Oooooh, Fraaaaank! *Frank appears and tackles Snape.*

Snape: I shall have my revenge! ALUUUUUCAAAAARRRRD! *Alucard appears and swoops down upon Ellie*

I own nothing except my OCs and the plot. :D  
-

Ellie awoke to find Father Anderson and Alucard bickering again. She was about to yell at them when she realized that there was something strange about this Canon. It looked exactly like reality! She stomped up to Alucard and Anderson, pulled them apart, then went back to pondering their environment.

She brightened considerably when she noticed a man walking up to her. She was confused when the Fellowship collectively gasped.

Merry and Pippin stared up at the man. "Why is Lord Elrond wearing sunglasses?" Asked Merry.

"I don't know, Merry. Elves are strange like that."

Suddenly Alucard shouted the worst possible thing at the worst possible moment. "I've had enough of you, , and I intend to destroy you rather my queen likes it or not!" He smirked over his shoulder at an astonished Ellie. "And afterwards, pieces of your bones shall be made into our engagement rings and we will have our wedding dance upon your grave!"

The Elrond look-alike grinned horribly. "Welcome back to the Matrix, !" He launched himself at Father Anderson. "So you thought you could hide from me by manipulating the Matrix so that your appearance was different! HAH! You will not escape me this time!"

They ran through the streets of Manhatten, dodging taxicabs. No one spared them even a glance. The man was hot on their heels, but it seemed he had picked up some friends. A dozen or so clones were playing Frogger with the congested New York traffic.

"Fly, you fools!" Gandalf screamed over the honking horns.

"We're running as fast as we fucking can!" Snape snapped over his shoulder.

Gandalf growled, nearly tripping on his wildly flapping robes. "No, dammit. I meant we actually need to /fly/! We need a plane to get out of this mess!"

"Where on this green earth are we going to get a plane?!" Jareth inquired as he barely got out of the way in time to not smash into a parking meter.

Willy suddenly stopped them. "I've got an idea!" He announced and brought out a stick of chalk. He drew three little dots on the ground.

"How the hell is that supposed to help us?" Snape snapped viciously, watching as the incoming malicous horde of clones smashed vehicles to pieces to get to them.

Willy grinned. "Wait for it..." Suddenly, there was a flash of light and, right in the middle of downtown Manhatten, there was a massive private jet.

"How did you do that?" Ellie inquired with awe in her voice.

Willy smirked. "Three points make a plane. It's basic geometery."

Ellie grinned as they climbed in. "I knew that math was good for something."

Once everyone was safely loaded inside, they shut the door and Ellie went into the pilot's cabin. "Now, does anyone have any idea how to fly this contraption?"

Willy and, to everyone's horror, Austin raised their hands. "Baby, I could fly this thing anywhere you wanted it." He managed to make even a simple sentance turn into something disgustingly dirty.

Alucard tapped him on the shoulder, smiling pleasently, which, when it comes right down to it, isn't really a pleasent sight at all. "Unless you want to become dog food, I suggest you never call my future queen 'babe'."

"Uhh..." Austin gulped. "Right-o."

Alucard nodded. "Good." Then he took a seat like nothing had happened.

Austin and Willy went to work immediately and the jet took off. "Please be groovey and fasten your seatbelts" Said Austin over the intercom. They did as they were told and soon the turbulance ended.

Willy's voice came over the intercom next. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you will look out your windows, you will see Beverly Hills."

"What?" Ellie hauled up the little plastic shade that went over the window. "We can't be in California already! We just left New York!" But as she looked down, she could see that Willy was right. Green numbers on a black background floated around. They looked like this;9021090210902109021090210902 109021090210. She shut the shade. "Stupid Matrix."

"Can't we just make a portal in the plane?" Boromir asked.

"Do you want to die?" Ellie asked sweetly. Boromir paled and said nothing.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your co-captain speaking." Austin said into the crackling intercom. "Land ahoy!"

Jack Sparrow glared at the intercom. "Wrong expression, we're no' on me ship. Ya don' say 'land ahoy, 'less yer on a damn ship, dumbass."

Ellie sighed and looked at Gimli. "And you let Marie around these already extremely unstable people? Do you have a death wish?" Gimli just glared out the window. And then she turned on Alucard, whose arm had somehow crept itself around her shoulder. "And when exactly did I agree to marry you?"

"Just accept it, my love." Alucard smirked.

"How do I know you aren't still married?" She countered. "I mean, can vampires divorce their brides?"

"Mina and Lucy were too whiney." Alucard said with a dismissive wave of a gloved hand. "They meant nothing." Ellie facepalmed, but decided it was best to stay silent for the moment.


	16. Never Join Alucard's Club

Alucard: You will give in to my desires!

No!

Alucard: I command you!

Never!

Alucard: Please? *Pleading look*

Oh..*Sigh* alright. I'll make Snape buy you a Blood-flavored lollipop from Honeydukes'.

Alucard: *Licks lips* Yum.

I own nothing except my OCs and the plot. :D

Ellie must have eventually fallen asleep on the plane because she woke with a start at a piercing yell. "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"

Someone found a random fire extinguisher and handed it to her hurriedly. She directed the spray towards the source of the shout and emptied the canister onto the supposed fire.

When she lowered bright red canister, she was surprised to find a beaky nose poking out from the white foam. Beady black eyes glared at her and a hand came up to wipe the foam away. "What the hell was that for?" Asked Snape angrily.

"Weren't you the one yelling 'fire'?" Ellie asked.

"Yes." Snape ground out from between gritted teeth. He pointed at Frank, whose make-up had been ruined by the blast of foam and the wig he wore was lopsided. He was still attached to Snape, one arm wrapped securly around the grouchy man's waist. "That's usually what they tell you to say when you are being molested, isn't it?"

Frank giggled and scooped up a fingerful of foam. "Whipped cream?" He said sweetly. "Oh, darling, I had no idea you were so...kinky."

Alucard snickered behind one gloved hand. "Neither did we." He grabbed a handful of foam and approached Ellie. " and his paramour have given me quite the idea, my dear." He purred sensuously. "Would you like to join my club?"

"What club would that be?" Ellie backed up nervously.

The vampire king leered down at her. "Why, the Mile High Club, of course." He laughed at her expression. "It's very exclusive."

Edward butted in. "You are one perverted vampire."

Alucard snorted. "Coming from you, Sparkles, that's a compliment."

Edward's fists curled and his golden eyes flashed. "Sparkles?" He snarled. "Sparkles?! How dare you! I have millions of fangirls screaming and drooling at my feet-"

"So does Justin Beiber." Pointed out Hatter, which brought all eyes to him.

Edward gagged. "You're comparing me to him? We're nothing alike!"

Ichabod chuckled and decided that he, too, would join the fray. "Well, you are pretty famous for your hair..."

Edward scowled and stomped to the back of the cabin He muttered on and on about how he, in no way whatsoever, was like Justin Beiber.

Frank eyed Snape hungrily and Snape took an alarmed step back. "Speaking of Justin Beiber.." He licked his lips. "Oh, baby, baby!" And then he tackled the poor professors.

L watched the scene go on with mild interest. "There is a fifty percent chance that Frank will follow Severus Snape wherever he goes from now on." He said to no one in particular. Then he smiled faintly at Ellie. "Do we have any of those tiny bags of peanuts in here? I love peanuts, just make sure that they're the honey-roasted kind."

"You're a peanut." Snapped Snape as he ran by, planning to hide from Frank in the bathroom for the rest of the trip.

L's brow furrowed. "No, I'm not. Plants and humans may share a few genes, but that in no way makes me a vegetable."

"Or does it?" Hatter asked quietly. "I don't think it would be so bad to be a plant. After all, you'd never get hunger pains and you'd never have to worry about taking a shower. And you could be all sorts of colors-"

"Yes, and you'd have to sit through torturous, agony-filled hours while bugs ate you slowly to death, chemicals poisioning your roots and children plucking off your blossums." Ichabod reminded them grimly. "And don't even get me started on winter."

"But if you live in a tropical environment-" Arwen started to argue before she was cut off by a sharp staticky crackle.

A loud screech forced them to cover their ears until it died down. "Sorry about that people." Willy's cheerful tenor came in clear now. "Anyway, we're about to land, so please fasten your seatbelts and keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. You will be experiencing slight turbulance in a matter of moments."

The plane began to rock a little, first dipping a tiny bit to the left, then to the right, and finally giving a powerful shudder from nose to wing-tip. Ellie reached out for a hand, gripped it tight, and shut her eyes. Her ears popped as they descended, but was comforted by the eerily icy hand that she grasped. There was a final jerk and then all sense of movement ceased. They had landed.

She opened her eyes and glanced to her right. Alucard smiled down at her, but there was not an ounce of lewdity in his scarlet eyes. She snatched her hand away.

The door to the cockpit opend and Austin stepped out. "And you cats didn't trust me!" He smiled, once again causing everyone to wince at his chronic case of 'British smile'.

Mistoffolees glared. "Excuse me." He said with an offended sniff. "I resemble that remark!" Tugger just rolled his eyes (and his hips).

Willy came up behind Austin. "We're here!" He said brightly and led the way out. One by one they slid down a bright yellow slide that had inflated as soon as they had came to a halt. Charlie, as the last one to go, let out an excited whoop as he went. His parents smiled indulgently and helped him onto the grass.

"Are we still in the Matrix?" Ellie asked, studying the landscape with no small amount of confusion.

"Yes." Said an ominous voice from somewhere off to the left. A man came from behind a tree. He was tall, dark, and bald. His eyes were covered by sunglasses and he wore a leather trenchcoat. "And now you must follow the white rabbit down the rabbit hole."

Hatter popped up next to him. "Been there, done that!" He replied with a tip of his top hat. He inspected the man with great interest. "Why does everyone here wear sunglasses?"

"Because," The man answered, his tone deadly serious. "It makes us look badass."

"Oooh." Hatter nodded in understanding.

"What is your name?" Aragorn asked.

"My name," The man paused for what they all suspected was dramatic effect. "It is.." He looked around suddenly. "Where's the ominous music?" He stomped his foot childishly. "I specifically ordered ominous music to be played whenever my name is revealed!" He threw down his sunglasses. "That's IT! I'll be in my trailer!" He started to walk off, but then turned around and came back. "I..uh..just realized I don't have a trailer." He said awkwardly.

"Your name, if you please, sir?" Boromir reminded with a sigh.

"Oh, I am Morpheus."

"Well, Morpheus, we're off to save the Canon-verse now, would you like to come with us?" Snowclaw smiled warmly, which wasn't exactly the greatest thing, the fangs and all that jazz kept it from being a particularly warm gesture. Still, the kind intent was there.

Morpheus nodded slowly, the light reflecting off of his shiny head. He came in closer and Ellie grasped his hand firmly. Then the whirlwind was once again summoned and they were swept away from the Matrix.

A man jumped off the abandoned plane where he'd been hiding under the wing. Agent Smith adjusted his suit and tapped the earpiece. "Alert the C.O.C.K. We've found them."


	17. The Conglomoration of Criminal Knaves

Austin: I really dig this chapter. Yeah, baby!

Really? What is that you like so much?

Austin: I enjoyed the pervy conversations. *Snickers*

Um..

Austin: That's really why I'm here, you see. You're humor has been bloody dry right up until now, but now that we're at some juicy parts...*Stops and laughs at 'juicy parts'*..anyway, this chapter just makes me glad I hung in there.

*Facepalm* I'm not even going to bother responding to that.

Alucard: Would you like me eat him?

NO! *Steps in between the two of them.* No! Because-

Willy: -That would be cannibalism, my dear vampire, and that is frowned upon in most societies!

Once again a *Facepalm*! I own nothing except for my OCs and my plot.

Voldemort glared over the gathering of villains under his command. The gathering was somewhere in the hundreds. Evil-doers from all over the Canon-Verse had come to this conference. "Welcome to the first meeting of the C.o.C.K! We have arisen from the depths of the Canon-verse to stand erect and proud!" There were snickers from the crowd and he frowned deeply, however, he ignored them. "We shall penetrate the defenses of our enemies and thrust our ideas upon them until they cry for mercy!" Some of them were rolling on the floor laughing at him. He scowled and rose up, intending to show them that he meant business! He would illustrate what he planned to do to that silly band of misfit heroes! "We will thrust!" He pushed his hips forward. "And thrust! And thrust again!" He did this several more times and yet they were still mocking him, so he grew even more furious. "Then we will explode and expand, after that, it is only a matter of time before my empire grows rapidly!"

He heard the infernal laughter grow in volume and he ceased his movements instantly. He sneered at them. "You mock me?" He raised his wand with a casual, yet elegant flick. "Avada Kadavera! Avada Kadavera!" The two lay still and unmoving. Voldemort chuckled to himself. "Now that," He pointed to the two dead followers. "Is real comedy."

Ellie was relieved at once again being back in the castle. She almost felt like smiling, but refrained as she felt it would jinx her somehow. Jereomy, who was typing urgently before her, had become used to the routine and was working on bringing up another portal.

Alucard wandered up to her, a bored expression on his face, but mischief twinkled in his eyes. "Ellie?"

She had to force herself not to roll her eyes. "/Yes/, Alucard?"

He smiled thoughtfully. "I was wondering, if I were a watermelon, would you spit or swallow my seeds?"

Jack, who was only a few feet away, choked on his rum trying to hold in his laughter. Ellie shot him a deadly look. Then an idea popped into her head and she grinned. "Alucard, I'm afraid I couldn't say."

He raised an eyebrow, smelling a rat. "And why not?"

"I prefer seedless watermelons. Go get a watermelon vesectomy and then we'll talk." She replied, pleased with the shock she caused him with her comeback. "Hey, Jer, how is the portal coming along?"

Jereomy shut the laptop and checked his watch. "It will be here in..three..two...one.."

A portal bloomed in front of him. It was strange, even by portal standards, because it was a bright neon green and was glowing as if it were radioactive. And even more ominous was the catchy tune that was issuing forth from it.

Everyone turned to Gandalf, who had opened his mouth to say the dreaded words. A simultaneous shout of "DON'T YOU DARE!" caused him to sigh and walk on into the portal. They followed, relieved at having evaded that fatal phrase...for now.


	18. Teen Titans Go! What? Go where!

Jack: 'Ello, luv.

Hey, sup?

Jack: The sky, hopefully. *Glances upward* But one can never be too sure. That's why I bought insurance from that Chicken Noodle guy.

You mean Chicken Little?

Jack: Yeah! Tha's i'! 'E sold me insurance tha' would compensa'e me if I were ever ter have a bi' o' sky fall on me head.

Um...you know that's impossible for the sky to fall, right?

Jack: Wha' are you gettin' a'?

You were just double-crossed by a fast-talking chicken.

Jack: *Sighs and grumbles* I knew i'! Never trust a guy wit feathers.

I own nothing except my OCs and the plot. :D  
-

Titan Tower was peaceful. There had been a recent decrease in the crime rate and the five of them were relaxing on the sofas watching mind-numbing television. Starfire was eating random gelatine gunk with suspicious items jiggling around inside of it. Beastboy and Cyborg were, of course, fighting over the remote. Cyborge lunged for the device and claimed it triumphantly. "HAHA! We are watching RAW!" He turned it just in time to see John Cena perform a smackdown. He raised his arms in exultation and accidently ended up flinging the remote into the furthest corner of the room.

Unfortunately for him, it was also Raven's favorite spot in which to brood. She was in the middle of some very important brooding when she was struck hard in the forehead by the flying bit of plastic and metal. She was knocked backward and landed in a heap on the floor.

Cyborg sweated profusely as he watched her struggle to get back up and he hid behind Beastboy. "Uhhh...sorry, Raven." He peeked from behind the green teen's back and gulped when she shot them both a deadly glare. "Please don't kill me!" He squeaked out in a voice entirely unsuited to his stature.

Raven suddenly smiled, but it wasn't a good smile. It was the kind of smile that made one suddenly have the strong desire to soil one's pants...if one hasn't already done so. "Oh, I won't kill you." She chuckled darkly and floated forward so that her nose was an inch from his. "I will simply hire a fangirl to write a little fanfic about the two of you."

Cyborg breathed a sigh of relief. "Is that all?"

She grinned. "Oh, no. You see, I will specifically order her to write in graphic detail a story featuring you two and a bed. Then tell her to throw in a little BDSM to taste." The boys suddenly quivered, but she wasn't done yet. "And, not only that, but I will insist on M-Preg!" She suddenly burst into maniacal laughter. "And I /won't tell you who will be the one to carry the baby/!"

Robin frowned at her while the boys, who had fainted in sheer terror of that prospect. He nudged Beastboy with the toe of his boot. "Don't you think that was a bit extreme?"

Raven smiled sadistically. "No." And she picked the remote casually off of the floor. "And now /I/ will be the one to control the TV!" She sighed and settled into the comfortable cushions. "Channel surfing is always more fun after scarring a couple of people for life."

Starfire was still eating her concoction with fervor, but had used Cyborg's chest as a footstool while she stared at the screen. That was when they all heard a loud thump on the roof. Red lights and screeching sirens announced the presence of intruders. "Titans, GO!" Shouted Robin. But they ignored him and he didn't realize it until he was on the other side of the room. He fumed. "What the hell, guys!" They turned around to stare blankly at him. "I just said our catch phrase! And you didn't follow me!"

Cyborg, who had just woken up, blinked. "Dude, you say that stupid phrase all the time. Where do you want us to 'go' anyway? Are we just supposed to inherently where you want us to go? You've gotta be more specific. 'Titans, Go to the pizza place and grab the most unhealthy one there is, or 'Titans, Go to the bathroom and take a shower 'cause you smell like Sewer Monster.' Jeeze, man."

Robin huffed. "Fine. Titans, Go up onto the roof and check out what the weird thump was, otherwise I'll make you all eat Starfire's cooking for the rest of the year."

Raven, Cyborg, and Beastboy looked at each other, then at Starfire who waved her spoon at them, then they looked at each other again. Then they rushed past Robin in an effort to get to the roof. Robin grinned and walked behind them with Starfire in tow. "If it's one thing Aliens exceed at, it's ruining appetites."


	19. Yes, there's a place like that HEAVEN!

My dear readers, I must inform you that I did not willingly write this chapter. I was forced by my biggest fan and bff, Elena, to write this. Seriously.

Alucard: She couldn't have truly forced you.

Elena-Actually, I did. I forced her to withdraw from all contacts and then threatened and tortured her with the sight of pink until she gave in.

Alucard: You're evil. *Grins* I like you.

I own nothing except the plot and my OCs. And absolutely no Meldas were harmed during the making of this chapter...at least..not fatally.

Ellie woke to find her head buried in a red duster. She groaned and felt, rather than heard, Alucard laugh. "I didn't know you were so eager, my dear." She jumped away with the extremely embarrassing realization that her face had been buried in a...bad..place.

Her face was beat-red, but before she could retort, she and the others were lifted off of the ground and suspended in the air by some sort of pitch-black energy. She looked down in surprise to find a young boy in tights and a cape, a green dude, an emo girl, a dude who looked like the terminator, and a sappy-looking girl with a scarily-cheerful smile. "Who are you?" The boy asked.

"Who do you want us to be?" Hatter retorted. He pointed at Alucard. "Because he can be a dog for you, or a..." He winked. "A woman."

Ellie glanced at Alucard. "You can turn into a girl?!"

Alucard beamed wickedly. "Oh yes. Would you like for me to do it for you sometime? I would do whatever it took to please you." He insinuated, his red eyes raked over her with a scathing gaze.

"You're worse than Austin." Complained Snape. "Honestly! At least when Marie was here, we only had to deal with one pervert. Now we have multiple." He glared down at Frank, who had once again cuddled up to him comfortably.

Ryuk flew in dizzying circles around them. "When are you gonna get me some apples?!" He whined at Snape, who enacted his patented death glare.

"Will you shut up about the damned apples already?!" He shouted at the shinigami. "Where have you been, anyway? You haven't shown up for a long time. I thought I was finally rid of you." Ryuk only chuckled, then swooped down to hover around the boy's shoulder.

"Should this child really be wearing tights?" The shinigami curiously inspected the outfit. "It shows everything." He shook his head. "American fashion, pshh."

Robin glanced at his friends. They were all wearing equally puzzled expressions. "If you won't tell us who you are, we will keep you like this until you do." He warned. "Titan Tower is not a place to be trespassed upon. We're too important to allow that sort of thing." He said haughtily. "If you're just looking for a tour, then I would suggest the Titans East. They have mediocre standards."

Alucard smirked and phased out of the magic boundary. He floated gently to the ground and observed their shocked reactions with great amusement. "We are in search of a young woman named Marie. She's the friend of my colleagues and has managed to get herself lost within the Canon-verse."

Robin suddenly grinned and they all began to burst out laughing. "You're friends with Marie?" Cyborg clapped him hard on the back, but ended up accidentally shattering his robot hand. His eyes went wide, but he shrugged it off. "That's a horse of a different color."

Robin nodded. "She's the one who brings us our fanmail along with some of the well-written fanfiction." He frowned deeply. "She's missing?" He turned to Raven. "Let them go." Raven carefully lowered the large group onto the concrete.

Ellie pushed her way to the front. "Yes, and we're on a hunt for her. She fell into an unknown Canon, so we've gone on a thorough search for her. If we don't find her before they recall of the postal employees, then she could be lost forever."

"Or she might not." Willy interjected. "She might just be in an AC that isn't very popular. You know, the ones that have a respite from fangirls." He sighed longingly.

"There are places like that?" Beastboy said in an awed, dreamy voice.

"Yes."

Snape jumped up and commanded attention. There was an expression on his face that could only be explained as one of complete and utter wonderment. "I know where I am spending my vacation!" He crowed and kicked up his heels. "Hallelujah!"

"Aaaaand...we've lost him officially." Noted Willy with a solemn shake of his head.

Ellie whirled on the chocolatier. "Is this a recent idea of yours?"

He bit his lip and laughed nervously. "Er..well..no. Actually, I kind of suspected that something like that had happened from the very beginning."

Her eyes narrowed so much that they were only tiny slits and her nose scrunched up on one side. "Why." She emphasized each word. "Didn't. You. Tell. Us. Before?" He shrugged and then she leaped at him, but Alucard casually grabbed onto her jacket and kept her from murdering Willy. He laughed, brought her up to nose level so that he could look her in the eye. "You're beautiful when you're royally pissed off." He crooned and petted her hair soothingly.

Mistoffolees giggled and whispered to Tugger. "I think he's attracted to her!"

Tugger rolled his eyes and went on fussing about his mane. "It's sad that you've only just realized that." He mumbled into his fur. "You may be magical and mystical, , but no one said you were very bright."


	20. Onomatopoeia! Random SloMo Fighting!

Once again, my hand was forced.

E-You will love me in the end.

Alucard: Has anyone seen Ellie? I think she's hiding from me again...

*Sarcasm* And why do you think she'd want to do that? You practically rape her in all but the true sense of the word in every chapter. I can't imagine why she doesn't want to hang around you.

Alucard: I will win her love! And then she won'tmind my perviness!

Good luck with that. Anyway, I don't own anything except for the plot and my OCs. :)

Ellie poked at the mushy glob of green goo, wondering if it would be impolite to scrape it off into the trashcan while no one was looking. She peered closely at it. Was that a fork floating around in there?!

Frank tapped her on the shoulder. "Are you gonna eat that?" She shook her head and looked away in disgust as he devoured it with relish.

"Who should go with you all?" Robin asked thoughtfully. "It would have to be one of the most responsible and least easily distracted-"

Beastboy hopped up. "Oh, oh!" He waved his hands high in the air like he just didn't care. Which he didn't. "Pick me! I'm responsible! I'm not easily distract-" He cut himself off when he caught sight of L eating a chocolate bar. "CANDY!" He then proceeded to tackle L and the two of them rolled around on the ground. L held his candy bar just out of BB's reach. BB turned into a mouse and ran up L's arm, but L licked a candy wrapper that he had in his pocket and that trapped poor BB.

L smiled mildly and continued to munch on his rescued snack. "By the way." He added in a low voice. "The cake is not a lie."

Raven grumbled, then walked over to Ellie. "I'll go." She glared at Beastboy, who was still attempting to free himself from the wrapper. "I am the only one who is serious and emo enough. The job requires someone with an emo mentality and I'm so emo, I make Carebears cry."

"Whoa!" Willy exclaimed in awe. "That's hardcore!"

"We chose her." Ellie decided and motioned for Raven to follow her back up onto the roof. The rest of the Titans waved goodbye.

Snape sighed in relief. "So we managed to stop Gandalf from saying the accursed words, and even though this canon had a catchy tune, nothing went wrong! This proves that the phrase is bad luck."

That was when they saw a glowing purple star heading straight for them. Ellie punched Snape hard in the arm. "You had to go and ruin it, didn't you?" She hissed.

A woman with long black hair and purple eyes landed gracefully on the concrete. She smirked and rolled her eyes in Starfire's direction. Then she turned and approached Ellie. "I'm here to deliver a message."

"Well, get on with it. Don't tell us what you're going to do. Do it!" Ellie commanded irritably. She didn't like this woman. She looked too much like a Mary-Sue...only she was smart.

"I'm Blackfire, a member of the organization that our leader has dubbed The C.o.C.K." She crowed proudly, indifferent to the outbreak of giggles. "My master demanded that you cease your efforts to find the postmistress and instead fill your leisure time bowing down to him."

"Why should we do tha'? I go' be'er things ta do wi' my time." Jack held up his bottle of rum high for all to see. "Like drinkin' an' talkin' up the morally lax women back in Tortuga!"

Blackfire giggled and sauntered up to him. "/I'm/ morally lax."

Jack was looking tempted, but Ellie shoved herself inbetween them. "No fraternizing with the enemy!" Jack pouted, but she ignored him. "Who is your master?"

Blackfire stuck out her tongue. "Wouldn't /you/ like to know. Now are you gonna bow down or not?"

"NEVER!" Ellie declared, then Starfire jumped on Blackfire's back and the two started an outrageously slow-motion battle that ultimately Starfire won. Which was kind of silly because Starfire was a bit of a ditz and it didn't really make sense for her to win. But Blackfire limped off into the sunset.

Ellie and the others, with one last goodbye that went thankfully uninterrupted, left with the whirlwind.

Once they were back at Castle Perilous, they had a portal waiting for them. It was spiky around the edges and bright yellow, like one of those things that shows up in comic books when a superhero punches the bad guy. Plus, it had Onomatopoeia! written across it in bold red letters. "Why do I get the feeling that we're going to suddenly be bombarded by random explosions and lots of action that has nothing really to do with the plot?" Reepicheep wondered.

"Who cares? But /I/ have the feeling that we're gonna get lucky in this canon!" Ellie said confidently as she leaped into it with fervor


	21. Marie, Myself and I

As you might have guessed, this chapter is all about Marie.

Marie: Finally! I can lay claim to an entire chapter!

Well, it wasn't my idea.

Marie; Wait, what?

*Glances over at Elena, who is watching with an evil grin on her face, a whip in hand.* The slave driver over there was curious about your exploits.

Marie: *Waves* Hi, Slave driver! Thanks for the chapter!

*Facepalm* as Elena grins and waves happily back.

Marie: *Looks at me* It was only polite to thank her for the chapter.

Somebody save me!

Snape: I'm here to rescue you! *Is dressed in fabulous medieval armor, complete with a helmet. The helmet's visor slids down and hits him in the nose.* Ow! *Growls* Nobody is allowed to torment Melda into oblivion except for me! *Shows a piece of paper* I have a patent on it!

E-But I am her forceful Muse. If it weren't for me, nobody would ever get another chapter until Melda was naturally inspired. I artificially inspire her. *bows* And to all of the You've Got Fanmail fans, you're welcome. I will continue to bribe, manipulate, and torture your beloved Melda into writing more chapters. *Chuckles evily* Five per day, if she doesn't drop dead of pink exposure.

But you wouldn't go that far! *Pleadingly* I mean, if I were dead, you wouldn't get any more chapters!

E- Just hurry up and get the chapter posted already. Or I will force you to look at more pink! *Laughs evilly for several seconds* And then I would take you to a park and force you to watch the squirrels! And I would then make you babysit children! HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

I own nothing except my OCs and the plot. *Tiny Tear* Somebody save me, please?

Marie thoughtfully tapped the pen against her lips. She glanced down at the paper in front of her and giggled. For the past three days, she'd amused herself by writing out ways to annoy her friends. Right now, she was on Jareth and she already had about two hundred ways and she knew that there would be more than that.

She shrugged. Still, even if she made it up to three hundred that was a whole lot less than what she'd come up with for Snape. She snickered, for Severus, she'd managed to conjure up ONE THOUSAND ways to torment him. In fact, she'd nearly filled up a whole notebook with the possibilities.

Suddenly, another wave of ideas hit her and she scribbled them down.

*204. Ask him if Air Freshener works on the Bog.*

*205. Tell him that his bathroom must be part of the Bog.*

* him in the middle of an important military speech.*

*207. Try to convince him that you would not prank him if he were not a figment of your insanity.*

*208. Make him try to prove he is real.*

Marie rolled over laughing. She knew her friends so well, that she could figure out what would make them go crazy with ease. She sighed and turned the page over to begin another round of teasing His Majesty. She felt closer to them this way, as if they could tell that she was teasing them from afar.

Marie went on for another hour and made it to three hundred, but couldn't think of any more, so she skipped on ahead to Willy.

*1. Tell him you hate chocolate.*

*2. Go for a swim in the Chocolate River.

*3. Give his workers the day off.*

*4. Tell him his father is coming for a visit.*

*5. Force him to go to the dentist.*

*6. Steal his latex gloves.

*7. Lick his cane.*

*8. Tell him it was because you wanted to see if /everything/ really was eatable.

And so, this is how Marie occupied most of her time aboard the Nautilus. However, she was soon alerted by one of the ship's crewmembers that dinner would be served.

She thanked him and set down her work. She followed him closely, not wanting to get terribly lost within the bowls of the ship. She frowned. That sounded disgusting. /Lost within the bowels of the ship/. That made it sound as if the ship were constipated with people. This caused her to lose her appitite temporarily, which returned with a vengence when the delicious smells coming from the dining room wafted in her direction.

She came over and a chair seemed to pull out by itself, but she smiled because she knew who it was. "Thank you." She said politely to the invisibe man. "But don't you think it's rather bad form to run about a ship naked? I understand that nobody can see anything, but don't you get cold?"

Rodney Skinner laughed and his voice was right in her ear. "Thah col' 'elps ta keep cer'ain /things/ un'er con'rol, luv." He said in his heavy accent.

She blushed deeply and laughed with him. Somehow, Mina was able to get an elbow into Skinner's stomach and shut him up. Mina growled at him. "It's not like a gentleman to proposition a married lady."

"Ah never prosishuned nobudy!" He claimed. "All Ah meant was tha' the col' is very refreshin'."

Mina glowered at him speculatively. "Yes. I'm sure that's /all/ you meant." She replied, her voice laden with sarcasm. "And you call yourself the 'Gentleman Theif'." She waved a dismissive arm in his direction.

"Mina." Alan Quartermain said warningly. "Skinner." He frowned in the invisible man's general direction. "You are not children, do not start a squabble at the table."

"Indeed!" Said Tom Sawyer. He was just coming up to the table. His sandy blond hair was ruffled and he had a rifle slung across his back. "Civilized people don't fight at the table. It messes with the process of digestion."

"An where do ya get off when ya come ta thah table lookin' like ya just came back from a Safari?" Skinner scoffed.

Tom rolled his eyes, but sat down anyway. He didn't mean to, but the rifle smacked Marie in the back of the head and she saw stars. Literally. She saw Brad Pitt, Selena Gomez, and Miley Cyrus blowing kisses at her. She blinked and the celebrites were gone. Tom apologized multiple times even though she told him not to worry.

Capt. Nemo sat down at the head of the table and smiled pleasently. He looked at Marie with concern. "Are you hurt?"

Marie grinned and shook her head. "Nothing I can't handle. Just a bit of a knock upside the noggin." She rapped the side of her head. "Tom just accidentally brained me with his gun."

Nemo sighed. "What have I told you all about bringing weapons to the table?"

"Only bring the small ones." They said in chorus. Tom took off the rifle and set to up against the wall. He came back to the table with a depressed look on his face. Marie patted him gently on the shoulder.

A waiter was on his way to the table and stumbled on the gun that Tom had discarded. The food flew through the air and the entire tray hit Alan right in the face. His mustache was covered in sauce and he had a shrimp caught in his hair.

Skinner sniggered and was rewarded by being slapped with a fish. She didn't know how Alan had done it, but he'd managed to guess the exact location of the invisible man's head. It had now turned into a free-for-all, with seafood flying in every direction.

Marie giggled and stood up. "FOOD FIGHT!" Then she began hurling her sushi at everything that moved. She ducked a handful of flying caviar, which hit the wall with a wet splat.


	22. Perilous Encounters

They stared around them in awe. The entire place was poorly animated. It was flat like a 2D painting. An insanely cute chipmunk smiled up at them. Ellie had a sudden urge to violently step on it. "Where are we?" She asked.

Alucard scowled and the chipmunk. "I think we're in one of those G-rated canons."

Ellie frowned. "How do you know that?"

Alucard pointed off into the distance. There was a purple dino with kids dancing in a circle around him. "That was my first clue." The dino laughed in a weird way and that just made the poor, deluded children happier.

"Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?" Ellie asked with an annoyed glare at the creeper dino.

"Terminate the stupid talking dino?" Alucard cocked his gun and shot the dino right in the forehead. It went down easily and the kids started to cry.

Ellie ran over and comforted them. "Ssh. Don't cry. We'll get you something better!"

A little girl sniffed. "But what's better than Barney?"

Ellie chuckled. "Well, even Edward's better than Barney." Edward shot her a glare, but Alucard smirked at him and he wisely chose to say nothing. "However, you need to be introduced to true children's television."

She took out her Iphone and got onto Youtube, then brought up Tom and Jerry. She grinned. "There, good violent fun."

The children were entranced and goggled at the screen. The little girl grinned at Ellie. "Thanks. That is a lot better than prancing around a freaking purple dinosaur all day. I don't know what we were thinking."

Ellie pocketed her phone and smiled indulgently. "So you don't want to be a princess anymore."

The 2D girl's grin grew monsterously wide. She shook her head and began to fashion a spear from Barney's teeth and a long stick. "Let's go hunt down the Backyardigans!" The children gave a whoop of joy and ran off after making their own spears.

Ellie watched them run off with a self-satisfied smile. "Ah, how I love to corrupt children."

Alucard clapped her on the back. "You weren't corrupting them, love. You were just showing them the truth." He sneered down at the now toothless dinosaur. "And that was the corruption."

"So true. How I hate sappy kid's children TV series. Why can't they just be nice and subtly violent like the old days?" She sighed nostalgically. "At least I saved a few of them."

Snape nodded. "Every little bit helps."

"Let's get moving." Ellie said and brought them back into the circle. "I'm going to kick Jereomy's skinny ass for sending us to that KidCanon."

The whirwind took them back to the castle and deposited them roughly onto the floor, as always. She glared at Jereomy. "What the hell were you thinking? Why did you send us to a KC?!"

Jereomy blushed. "Well, I didn't really know it was a KC. I didn't take the time to look-"

"Well, take the time this time around!" She snapped. "I don't want to go around shooting purple dinosaurs all day or shoving talking yellow sponges down the toilet or even chasing around frigging Humpty-Dumpty with a egg separator! I /want/ to find Marie!" She pinched the bridge of her nose. "I'm sorry. Stress is getting to me, Jer."

He shrugged. "I don't blame you. Plus, I've got bad news." He told her uneasily. She faced him with resigned determination. "Incarnadine reduced the time recently. We've got to find Marie in the next four hours or all access to any Canons will be on temporary lockdown."

Gimli chose that time to erupt. "Boy, my wife is stuck in one of these damned ACs and you're not going to let them shut the fucking portals down for anything!"

"What can we do, though?" Ellie asked. She grabbed his huge, calloused hands and squeezed sympathetically. "How are we going to find her?"

"Perhaps we can trace her?" Jereomy suggested uncertainly. "Does she wear her hat or uniform?"

"She doesn't wear her hat." Ellie reminded him dully. "And none of the uniforms fit her all that well. They're made for taller, bigger, people."

"You mean normal-sized people?" Snape snarked.

Ellie glowered at him. "No, I mean people who aren't vertically challanged."

"You know, believe it or not," Gimli said absently, his eyes going misty. "Her older brothers are gigantic."

Ellie's eyes suddenly went wide and she laughed out loud. "Why didn't I think of it before?!" She danced around in a circle happily. "Brothers!"

"We're going to get Marie's brothers to help?" Gimli guessed, but Ellie shook her head.

She pointed to herself. "NO! /My/ brother is going to help us!"

"You have a brother?" Alucard seemed moderately surprised. "Hmm. I supose I'll have to ask for his permission to court you in order to make it official."

She rolled her eyes. "Since when do you care about that kind of thing? Besides, you've been 'courting' me almost ever since you met me!" Then she realized what she was saying and growled. "And again, when did I agree to marry you?!"

Alucard shrugged casually. "Well, I'd court you no matter if your sibling approved or not. I just thought it would give you peace of mind."

She smiled slightly at him. "You know, that's actually sort of sweet and considerate." He grinned wolfishly back at her.

"I hate to interrupt this lovely moment, but could you please explain to us why we need to go to your brother?" Snape pushed Frank off of him and had conjured up magical ropes to hold the struggling alien in place. Frank started to sniffle a little as his pleading cries fell on deaf ears. Snape pointedly ignored him.

Ellie, despite feeling sorry for the poor lovelorn alien, had more important things to worry about. "Jer, do you know if my brother is in Castle Perilous?"

Jereomy nodded. "Yes, actually. He was just in here before you appeared. He's in the tower room working on his newest invention."

"The tower room?" She asked with amused exhasperation. "It's almost like he lives in there!"

Jereomy grinned. "Well, he does spend a great deal of the nights here at the Castle, so much so that you could say that he really does live here."

"Has he gotten a trademark talent, yet?" She inquired eagerly. "Everyone gets one, even though I haven't yet. Even Marie has got one."

"What does Marie have?" Gimli asked, surprise etched all over his face. "She never told me that she had anything."

"She's got the talent of charm." Ellie explained with a smile. "She can charm anything into doing whatever she wants, which is very useful."

Todd suddenly shouted out. "So /that's/ why I didn't want to kill her!"

Ellie nodded. "But charm is a talent that works best when the person who has it, is not aware that they have it. Thus, she is ignorant of her talent." She cleared her throat. "Anyway, does Alex have one yet?"

"He's a Technopath."

"Really?" She was confused. "Doesn't exactly seem to fit him. I mean, he's an inventive genius, but I couldn't see him being able to command technology."

"We were all a bit shocked. Alyssa, of course, stomped out of the room and removed all metal objects from his workshop while he was eating so that he couldn't use it until he got them back."

Ellie rolled her eyes. "Typical Alyssa." She started out of the library. "Thanks, Jer. I'll tell Alex you said hi." With that, the gang followed her out of the library and back into the laybrinthian halls of Castle Perilous.


	23. Sibling Rivalry

I am now up to having to write three more chapters tonight. I believe E- wants me to die of exhaustion.

E- No, because then there would be no more fanfiction

Oh, that's so kind of you.

E-You know I love you.

You have a strange way of showing it. *Wipes sweat from brow*. Especially since you enjoy torturing me so much.

E-Just don't forget to tell them what's mine.

*Sigh* Alex and Alyssa are the sole property of E-, despite the fact that she has allowed me to play with them for a little while.

E-Thank you, now for the disclaimer.

I own nothing except for my OCs and the plot.

Ellie led them down the left-hand corridor. This hall was spotted through with swirling portals. Through them, you could see glimpses, like windows into other worlds, of what was going on.

At the end of the hall was a gigantic oak door with a shiny brass handle. A brass plaque on it read *Tower Room*. Ellie opened it up and a circular stone staircase was revealed. Despite there being very little space, the steps were lined with small gears and tiny gadgets that made it hard to figure out where to step.

Ellie picked her way through the mess of gizmos with practiced ease, but the rest of them struggled to stumble through the heap of practical junk.

It was a long climb to the top, but eventually they made it. From behind yet another oak door, there was lots of banging and shouting. Ellie frowned and turned the knob.

A tall and extremely pale young man was standing in the middle of the room weilding an oil-covered wrench. He had a smudge on his cheek and his straight red hair was frizzing out. Ellie smiled fondly at him. "Alex!"

He turned, finally noticing them. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Hello, Eleanor. What are you doing up here? I thought you were on vacation?"

Ellie bit her lip and took a seat on a random truck tire. "There's been a bit of a problem." He sat down beside her. "Marie's gotten herself lost in the Canon-vers and we can't seem to find her by ourselves." She hung her head. "Not only that, but they're going to shut down all the portals in four hours!"

He rubbed her back. "How can I help?"

"I was hoping you could build a tracking device for us that could find her." She gazed up at him pleadingly. "Please?"

He whistled. "That's a steep order, sis. It'd have to be something similar to a genetic tracer because the CPS won't work because she never wears her hat or uniform."

Ellie growled. "When we find her, I'm going to glue that damned hat to her head."

Alex laughed softly and played with her hair. "For some reason, I've always liked that violent streak."

Ellie smiled faintly. "So, you'll do it?"

Alex paused. "I'll /try/." He hugged her. "I can't make any promises, so you might want to try another canon while I get to work, okay?" Alex looked up then and noticed that Frank was still tied up. He walked over at, using a penknife, cut through the ropes and freeing him. "Why were you tied up?"

"Because he has an unusual attachment to me!" Snape backed away from Frank, but the alien didn't even move towards him. Instead, he just smiled brightly up at Alex.

Alex frowned at the potions master. "That's no reason to tie anyone up, if he's such a bother to you, he can stay here with me." Frank stared at him incredulously. Alex brought him over and let him sit down on a broken TV set, then handed him a glass of herbal tea.

The door slammed open and a nappy-haired young woman came in. "Brother." She said coldly, then smiled at Ellie. "Ellie, dear, what are you doing back? I thought you were taking that much needed vacation that I helped set up for you?"

Ellie raised an eyebrow at her. "I /was/, Alyssa." She said tensely.

"Why didn't you stay at home?" Pouted Alyssa. "I'm hurt that you don't take my gifts seriously."

Ellie sighed. "I would take your gifts more seriously if I ever actually wanted them, Alyssa."

Alyssa visibly bristled and her eyes narrowed. "But you accept every gift that /he/ gives you." She hissed. "You act like you don't love me at all, /sister/."

Ellie stood up, yanked Alyssa out of the room and slammed the door. The two of them could be heard yelling in the staircase hall.

Alex shook his head sadly. "Alyssa has such an odd, trying temperment." He shrugged. "However, don't get me wrong. She's a very good person." He reassured them gently. "She is just...Alyssa and that is the only way to describe it."

Just then, Ellie and Alyssa came back in, both of them breathing hard and Alyssa had a scratch on one cheek and a red mark that looked suspiciously like a handprint. "We're going now, Alex." She said abruptly and strode out of the room where they could hear her clomping down the stairs.

Gandalf shared a look with Gimli, who shook his head. "Good luck with finding your wife, Gimli." Alex wished calmly while handing his sister a band-aid for her bleeding cheek.


	24. Mirror, Mirror, Compact Mirror

Only two more chapters to go before I am FREE!

E-For tonight.

Why do you have to be so pessimistic?

E-I have my reasons.

Because it annoys me?

E-My reasons must have been too obvious. I've got to work on being more mysterious.

I own nothing except for my OCs and the plot.

Upon returning to the library, Jereomy had a portal ready and had assured Ellie, under the influence of her powerful glare, that it was not another KC.

This portal was dark and broody-looking. But it also had a catchy tune that sounded suspiciously like a familiar disco song. Austin was delighted and began to hum along, at least, until Snape slapped him upside the head.

Ellie went first again, followed by Arwen, Aragorn, and the others. What were they getting themselves into this time?

Marie grimaced at the dried potato in her hair and pulled another face when she felt the jam that had somehow made it into her bra slide around.

The food fight had been fun, but she now had seafood where it shouldn't be seen, jam jammed in awkward places, and bits of buns where buns shouldn't be.

She felt so much better after taking a shower, that she even settled down to write another few of he 'How to annoy Willy Wonka' bits.

*102. Ask him why, if he's a magician, he can't pull an Oompa-Loompa out of his tophat*

*103. Play with the chemicals in his Inventing Room*

*104. Go ice-skating on the Cokernut-Ice Rink*

Ellie woke up with Alucard draped across her. With a groan, she pushed him off and stood up. She was in the middle of what seemed to be an ordinary office.

Except that ordinary offices don't have green people with red horns sticking out of their foreheads sitting behind the desks. "Hey, sweetheart." The green-skinned man greeted conversationally. "You wouldn't happen to be my ten o'clock, would you?" He asked with a friendly wink.

"Umm..actually, we just sort of dropped in without an appointment."

"You'll probably need to talk to Angel then." He held out a hand. "I'm Lorne, by the way."

The door opened up to reveal a handsome man with white skin and a brooding, dark expression. "Lorne!" He said in a panicked sort of voice. He stepped over the bunch of people like he didn't even see them. "I need a mirror!"

Lorne sighed and dug around in the desk. "Why do you need a mirror, Angel?"

Angel gulped. "Because I need to check if my hair is okay!"

Lorne stopped and shook his head. "What is with you and your precious hair?"

"JUST GIVE ME THE MIRROR!"

Lorne chuckled. "I don't seem to have one, Angelcakes."

She felt sorry for the man, who was obviously at his wit's end and grabbed her compact from her pocket. She handed it to him and she was surprised to find that the man ended up hugging her tightly before happily glancing at his hair. He snapped the compact shut and handed it back to her. Then he gave her a funny look. "Wait, who are you?"


	25. BEHOLD! MARIE IS FOUND!

Argh. My brain hurts.

E-That is no excuse. Back to work!

You are a tyrannical dictator!

E-I never said I wasn't.

I own nothing except my OCs and the plot.

"My name's Eleanor Forester, but everyone calls me Ellie." Alucard woke up and his hand crept it's way onto her shoulder, but she ignored it for the time being. "We're looking for my best friend Marie-"

"MARIE IS MISSING?!" The green guy exclaimed. His glowing red eyes were dilated. "What happened?!" He demanded hotly. "Why is she gone? She had such wonderful singing voice!"

Ellie turned her attention back to Angel. "So I guess that your canon is one of the many that she serviced?"

Angel nodded. "She doesn't just bring me the fanmail either. Sometimes she picks up the donated blood packets for me that I need."

Lorne grabbed Angel by the shoulders. "You're not freaking out about this, why are you not freaking out about this?! MY BEST KARAOKE ACT IS GONE! VANISHED! POOF!" He sank to his knees, nearly in tears. "Do you even /KNOW/ how badly demons can butcher a Lady Gaga song? HAVE YOU HEARD MY THEM ATTEMPT ADELE?! Sometimes it makes me wonder why I was born with ears..." He whimpered.

"You can come with us to help find her, if you like." She said kindly.

He got up and clutched her hands tightly. "You have my undying gratitude!"

"But they could use my vampiric strength and stamina." Angel interjected.

"Another vampire Canon?" Ellie groaned. "Please tell me you don't sparkle-"

"HEY!" Edward was promptly shot in the leg by Alucard. The bullet bounced off of him and hit Alucard in the head. Alucard stumbled backward and Ellie gasped, catching him as he fell.

"Alucard!" She screamed hoarsly and held him to her chest, terrified that he was dead. Well, as dead that a vampire can be...Paladin Anderson whooped for joy and did a minor, priestly happy dance.

"What just happened?" Asked a bookish-looking woman with glasses.

"Hi, Fred." Said Lorne, smiling wanely.

Ellie had started to cry, much to her own and everyone else's surprise. Her tears dripped down onto Alucard's pale face and mingled with his blood. She leaned down. "You can't be dead, you perverted ass! You said you were going to marry me!" She kissed him on the cheek. "If you die, I swear I'm going to stake you!"

Alucard started laughing. "I don't know if I should be worried or imbibed with passion."

Ellie glared at him. "What the hell?!"

"It'd take more than a bullet to hurt me, love." Purred the vampire.

She gritted her teeth. "I should be slapping you right now, but I'm too glad you're alive!"

"Well, I'm not, technically." He rumbled lazily. "But counting me among the dead would be redundant, so I guess you could say that. Anyway, are you happy enough to give me another kiss?" He pointed to his lips.

She dropped him in disgust. "Don't push your luck." She grabbed Lorne and pulled him forward. "If you're coming with us, hold onto my hand."

The whirlwind made a mess of Angel's office and they could hear him grumbling about it just before they were transported back to the Castle.

Elena's brother was sitting on one of the tables with Frank staring adoringly up at him. Alex had an arm around the alien, but it was a noncommittal gesture.

Ellie bounded up to him expectantly. "Do you have it?" Her eyes were bright with excitement.

He nodded and handed the deviced to her. It was a pentagon with two little brightly colored buttons on the top side,a black glass slide sticking out of the back end, and a red beeping light positioned at the front end. "The red light will flash quicker as you get closer to her, then will turn green when you are in the right Canon. The blue button will bring up a map of the Canon-verse." He pressed it to show her an example and a map of the castle's Canons came up. Each of the canons were helpfully labelled. "Now, you need to place a bit of her DNA on the little black slide and press the green button."

"The only problem is finding a bit of her DNA to put on the slide." Ellie said glumly.

Lorne tapped her on the shoulder. He was holding an envelope. "She licked the adhesive on this, I know she did because I saw her do it. It was supposed to be a reply to one of the fanletters a few weeks ago." He handed it to her.

Ellie tore a bit of the adhesive-coated paper away and held it up to the slide. The slide lit up and the map-screen changed to one showing the word *Scanning*. Then there was a whirr and a beep, then the map came up again. A red X marked a canon not that far from the libary. It was labelled *League Of Extraordinary Gentlement*

"We found her." She breathed out a sigh of relief. Gimli grabbed Alex's hand and pumped it energetically.

"I owe you everything for this. If you ever have need of a Dwarf, then I will come to your aid." Gimli pledged.

Alex nodded, somewhat uncomfortable. "I appreciate your grateful gesture." He answered a little awkwardly.

Then the group took off out of the library and soon found the innocently swirling portal that they had been searching for. Ellie laughed eagerly. "I bet she'll be so surprised to see me!"

"I wonder what she'll say?" Gimli said to her with a smile.


	26. She Said EEEEEKKKKKK!

This is it for tonight.

E-But there will be four more to do tomorrow.

Ugh.

E-Don't get sassy with me.

I'll be as sassy as I want!

E-Don't make me force you to watch Breaking Dawn Part 2!

NO! I'll be good, I swear! *Sucks thumb*

E-Good girl.

*Wearily* I own nothing except for my OCs and the plot.

Marie sighed and set down the notebooks again, stretching out her cramping muscles. It had been another day that had gone by without any sign that anyone was coming to rescue her. She sighed, but recognized how lucky she was. After all, she could have become stuck in a canon full of pink things and squirrels, she shuddered, or a canon full of pink squirrels and sparkly vampires sining Justin Beiber songs at the top of their Sue-ish voices. This thought made her squirm and feel inexplicably dirty. She ran to the bathroom and started to take a shower.

She was just rinsing the conditioner out of her hair when she felt and heard a grand 'thump' on her bathroom floor. She turned off the water and made to investigate, but a hand reached out and pulled at the shower curtain.

She winced at the rip and screamed as it revealed her to everyone in the room. "EEEEEEEKKKKKKKK!"

Gimli scrambled up and grabbed a towel off of the shelf beside the sink and wrapped it around her. Her cheeks were bright pink and she glared at Austin, who was openly oggling her. She turned her back to him as he babbled apologies.

Ellie shooed everyone out of the bathroom except for herself and Gimli. "Marie, everyone's gone now. I'm sorry about giving you such a scare." She said sheepishly.

Marie leaped at her, the towel thankfully staying put. "ELLIE! HOW DID YOU GET HERE! GREAT FUZZY PICKLES! I HAVEN'T TALKED TO YOU IN AGES!" She hugged her friend so tightly that Ellie started to choke.

"Can't...(gasp)..breathe!"

Marie blushed in embarrassment and let go, then helped her fellow postmistress up. "You found me!" She kissed Gimli chastely, making him sigh contentedly. "I've missed you so much." She said quietly to him.

"Aye, but not as much as I missed you." Gimli was about t go in for another kiss, but Ellie interrupted them.

"Shouldn't you get dressed?" She pointed to Marie's towel.

Marie's face grew hot once again. "Oh, yeah. I forgot."

"You forgot you were naked?" Ellie laughed. "Only you, Marie, only you. Where do you keep your clothes?"

"There's a closet right beside the bathroom." Marie squeaked.

Ellie went and picked out the necessary items, then brought them in to her friend. She politely turned her back to Marie as she changed. "Your friends must really like you."

"Hmm?"

"They went after you with such determination. Even that detestable Snape character who seems to loathe you with every fiber of his being. They adore you so much that they were willing to risk everything to find you." Ellie said, turning back around to face her friend.

Marie grinned from ear to ear. "I knew that Snape didn't hate me!" She crowed in triumph. "He really just doesn't want to admit that he likes me!"

"There's something else I need to tell you." Ellie hinted.

"Well, spill it! You've seen me naked, now I get to hear your secret! It's only fair."

"I'm getting married." Ellie bit her lip to keep from laughing at Marie's stunned expression. "To a vampire."

Marie promptly fainted.

Meanwhile, back at the C.o.C.K...

Voldemort rose and stalked along in front of the portal. The voice in his head had been giving him hints again. And this time it wasn't that he should eat more vegetables. It told him how to bring the portal that now housed the enemy to him. He smiled evily, pleased at his own genius and tapped the ground with his wand.

Instantly, a swirling portal apppeared to leak out from the tip of his wand. His followers watched in awe. "You will now attack at the heart of the problem of the resistance!"

"But how will we fit in such a tiny portal? The whole of the C.o.C.K. cannot fit in there!" Protested .

"JUST SHOVE YOURSELVES IN!" Commanded Voldemort harshly. "IT WILL STRETCH!"

Marie was dressed and mingling with her friends at this point. She personally introduced them to the wonderful people who had taken her in during the time that she was lost. Gimli couldn't thank them enough, but he cast suspicious glances around the room and asked Legolas to keep a look out for Rodney Skinner after he was introduced. "I don't trust a nude, invisible Brit around her. He's liable to do something he'll regret."

There was an explosion and several evil-looking men dropped in the middle of the room. They stood up and leaped at the crowd. They were soon accompanied by several others, villains that a few of the characters recognized from the Canon-Verse.

They were hopelessly outnumbered, but Marie had an idea. She pushed her way to Mistoffolees. "Can you summon characters from other ACs like you did with us on accident?"

"I don't really know..." The cat said uncertainly. "I suppose it's worth a try, but I can't guarantee anything."

Ellie appeared beside Marie. "We'll keep them off of you while you do your magic thing." Marie told him, whacking a nearby villain with a broom.


	27. BOWFLEX!

I love the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny!

E-I showed it to you.

Yes, I know.

E-Gimli tried to save you, you know.

Really?! That's so sweet! No wonder Marie married him!

E-He sent out a message to the Dwarven High Council that would bring a legion of armored dwarves to your aid.

And?

E-Well, there was a bit of a problem with that because the Dwarfs have *snicker* obvious limitations when it comes to /High/ Councils. Anyway, they ended up raiding IHOP.

WHAT?!

E- It was bloody affair. There were chocolate-chip pancakes everywhere, syrup covered the floor, and, I'm told, someone spilled their orange juice.

I own nothing except for a few pancakes, my plot, and my OCs.

E-Perhaps the Dwarves should have invested in a GPS. Maybe then they wouldn't end up at random restaurants.

*Facepalm*

Misto closed his eyes tight and drew in a deep breath. Static electricity made his fur stand on end with an ominous crackle every now and then. The air started to glitter and gleam more than Edward. There was a great snapping sound, as if a giant stick had been broken in half, and a flash of light blinded everyone including the attackers.

As the light receeded, they began to hear the later bit of a conversation coming from unfamiliar voices.

"Dude! That was,like, terrifying!"

"I know, right? But it was so AWESOME! KOWABUNGA, DUDE!"

Then, to the astonishment of everyone, the owners of the voices were brought into focus. Ellie marvelled at Misto, who only gave her a helpless shrug.

There, in the middle of the room, were four giant turtles. And not just any turtles. These turtles wore /masks/ and were /talking/!

Marie gave an overjoyed shout and ran over to them, hugging the one in the orange mask. She was practically purring. "Misto!" She patted the cat affectionately. "You brought the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to us! We're SAVED!"

"Um...how can you be sure of that, Marie?" Ellie raised a sceptical eyebrow.

"Because!" Marie nuzzled into the group of turtles, who were pounding her on the back, happy to see a familiar face. "They're ninjas!"

She and the turtles then spoke in unison. "AND NINJAS KICK ASS!" She smiled at them and spoke to them in whispers while the crowd around them still watched with confused eyes, despite the fact that they were supposed to be attacking each other. "Got it?" She said loudly, so that everyone could hear. They nodded and she grinned. "Awesomesauce! Break!"

"Blue 42, hut, hut, HIKE!" Said the turtle in the red mask as he hurled himself at the nearest and began the offensive.

Mistoffolees gulped when Ellie turned on him with a glare, though he shut his eyes again and started to work on summoning more allies.

The children from the KC showed up and brandished their Barney-tooth spears as if they were actors in a movie-version of Lord of the Flies. War-whoops and 'yeeeee-haawwws' abounded.

Then came the Teen Titans and none of them seemed bewildered about where to go when Robin ordered them to GO! Starfire blasted away at her sister in the annoying slo-mo sequence, while Beastboy changed into a pachiderm, sat on, and crushed Lucius Malfoy between his gigantic elephant cheeks.

Indian Jones came next, cracking his whip at everything that moved, then Batman, and Wonderwoman, and the rest of the Justice League, not to mention Wolverine joined the fray with his indestructable buns of steel.

Marie was meanwhile fighting and at the same time singing. Her voice rose up and could be heard above the noises of the battle.

*This is the Ultimate Showdown  
Of Ultimate Destiny  
Good guys  
Bad guys  
and explosions  
as far as the eye can see!*

Lorne looked up and grinned. He started to sing something else entirely and at a frequency that was painful for anyone standing in the immediate vicinity.

*I will survive!  
Yes, I will survive!*

Amidst the angelic chorus of disco tunes and random popular youtube songs, descended Chuck Norris. Misto watched, his mouth in an 'O'. He smiled and flexed his muscles, making everyone stop and stare. "BOWFLEX!" He bellowed, then rushed at the nearest Smith Clone, tackling him to the ground and pummelling him into the dust.

From then on, nobody really need to fight. Good ol' Chuck took care of all of that. He even managed to cut Blackfire out of the picture. He borrowed Indy's whip and just snatched her out of the sky. Then he slapped duct tape over her mouth and tied her hands together with a bit of iron because he's just that awesome.

Marie pranced up to him. "Thanks for your assistance!" She beamed.

"Bowflex." He said quite humbley. "Bow, bowflex. Bowflex, flex, flex, bowflex, bow."

"Um.." Marie tipped her head to the side. "I'm sorry. I don't understand."

"I think that's all he can say!" Whispered Hellboy in her ear.

"Bowflex!" Norris announced in a very agreeable tone.

She giggled and smiled at the martial artist. "Well, Bowflex to you, too."

He bowed respectfully to them all and saluted her. With one last 'Bowflex!' he disappeared into thin air. Marie gasped and turned to Misto. "Why did you send him away?"

"I didn't." Said the magical cat. "I didn't summon him, either. He just shows up whenever he's needed most."


	28. It's the Canon Cops, Man!

E-Melda, might I take the time to say that I love your work?

And that is supposed to make up for all of the torture you've put me through?

E-Actually, I was rather hoping it would.

I own nothing except for my OCs and the plot.

The departure of Chuck Norris still left a roomful of characters. The silence was awkward. Every one of the evil characters had been delt with and now it was time for Marie to leave the canon she'd been stuck in for the past week and a half (Canon time).

"Would you like to come with us?" She offered hopefully. "Canon characters can survive in Castle Perilous infinitely."

Captain Nemo kissed her hand. "Thank you, but someone has to stay behind and keep an eye on them. The Canonists might not show up for a little while."

"Canonis's?" Jack Sparrow exclaimed, the news sobering him for the moment. "As in th' upholders of Canon Law?"

"The cops of the Canon-verse." Marie said gleefully. "Whachya gonna do, whatchya gonna do when they come for you? Bad boys, bad boys-"

"Sic Chuck Norris on 'em, that's wha' we'll do." Jack grinned at her. "By th' way, where's me hug? Didn' ya miss me?"

She smiled, but embraced him for a moment. Then she turned to Gimli. "I missed everyone, but you were constantly on my mind." She kissed his cheek reverently. "I love you." She noticed Ellie watching her with a pleased, somewhat embarrassed, expression. "Speaking of which, I demand to know who your fiancee is!" She snarled in Edward's direction. "Please tell me he doesn't /sparkle/!"

"Why am I always being hated on?!" Edward whined.

"Oh, shut up, Sparkles." Alucard stepped forward and smirked down at Marie. "I'm your friend's intended, my dear."

Marie inspected him with a critical eye from the tips of his shoes to the top of his floppy-brimmed fedora to his brightly gleaming fangs. She crossed her arms. "I'm not a fan of vampires-" Paladin Anderson shouted out an agreement. "But you seem pretty badass, so I guess you're okay." She frowned severely. "But if you marry her just for her blood, I swear there will be some serious staking going down up in here!"

He laughed at her."Are all of your human friends this fun?" He asked Ellie.

Ellie shook her head. "Nope, but she's my best friend for a /reason/." She pulled Marie into a crushing hug, but then growled in annoyance. "And when we get back to the Castle, I'm gluing your hat to your head." Marie laughed until she saw that her friend was serious.

"Gimli?" She gulped and looked to him for assurance. "Please tell me you won't let her do that!"

"I would let her do that and more!" Snape appeared, red-faced and clearly aggrivated. He held her notebooks. "She's conniving! The ungrateful wench is planning to..." He searched through the pages and read out a sentence. "Replace my wardrobe with the latest men's fashions!" He flipped through a few more. "And then she's going to give me a nose job!"

"It actually sounds like she's trying to help you." Ryuk cackled from the sidelines.

Aragorn facepalmed. "Why is he still hallucinating? I thought he got over that."

L stepped forward with a suspiciously conspiratorial smile. "Actually, he's not hallucinating unless he's talking to a dancing gummybear." He laughed softly. "But there's only a one percent chance of that. The truth is, he's probably just talking to Ryuk the Shinigami." He pointed at the black notebook that was sticking out of Snape's robes. "That's a Death Note and whoever touches it can see Ryuk, but nobody else."

Snape brought it out. "Is there anything else it can do?"

L's smile disappeared and he looked slightly on edge. "Err...no...in fact," He said with a great amount of fake cheer. "It's quite useless, why don't you give it to me?" Snape handed it over and L seemed to breathe a sigh of relief.

"Not that we enjoy interrupting this interesting conversation. " Batman interjected. "But could Catman over there-" He jerked his thumb over his shoulder at Misto. "Please send us back to our respective Canons?"

So it was that every one of the extra characters that had been summoned were sent back. Even the awesome ninja turtles. Then Ellie prepared to transport the original gang back to the Castle. Snowclaw yawned and munched on a bit of a wooden plank while she gathered them all into a circle. The whirlwind, colors, and sounds began again for what seemed to be the final time.


	29. Revelations 29

E-Well, I suppose I can let you slide for the time being because of your drama practice.

Really?

E-I'm not as tyrannical as I may seem.

Yeah. Riiiiight.

E-I'm not!

I own nothing except my OCs and my plot. :D

Alex sighed as he once again attempted to gently coax Frank to let go of him so that he could get up and pour himself some red wine. He was worried about his sister and her friend, somehow, the two of them always ended up in the strangest adventures. He was starting to think that Marie was a magnet for both random amounts of both good and bad luck.

Frank finally let him up and Alex sat back down with a his wine. Frank was still nursing his tea, apparantly he didn't much like anything with alcohol.

Someone was coming up the steps. He knew because he could hear the bangs and clanks that were made as his visitor worked his way through the massive amounts of random things on the stairs. He smiled and rose to greet his guest.

Incarnadine burst into the room. He was usually a calm, self-assured wizard, but right now his eyes were wild and he seemed to be a bit disconcerted. "The Hosts of Hell!" He gasped. "They're pouring forth from one of the portals! We need to get everyone organized straight away!"

Alex sat down his wine glass and smiled. "Oh, good. I haven't had a good old-fashioned brawl with a demon in quite a while. This will be fun." He helped Frank up and made his way past Incarnadine. "Perhaps we should go to the library first to make sure that my sister has come back safe and sound?"

The king nodded. "I will collect my brother Trent and his wife Sheila to help me in keeping the Hosts in control while you gather your sister and the rest of her friends into the dining hall. We will need to be organized to some degree."

"Of course." Alex regarded Frank. "I'm afraid that you should escort him to the dining hall, I don't want him to get hurt." Frank hugged him one last time and Alex sympathetically kissed the top of the alien's head.

Frank bit his lip. "Make sure that Severus isn't hurt." He added before Incarnadine led him out. Alex followed them down, then they went their separate ways.

Alex opened the library door to find himself bombarded by a curly-headed missile. He laughed despite nearly being knocked to the floor. "So they found you!"

Marie's green eyes twinkled up at him. "Thanks to you! Ellie told me that if it hadn't been for you that they never would have found me before it was too late!"

Alex blushed a little. "Well, they could have eventually found you."

Marie shook her head violently. "No way! There wasn't enough time to go through all of the Canons!"

"Eleanor hasn't followed through on her threat to glue your hat to your head, has she?" He laughed a little.

"Nope. I talked her out of it."

He rolled his eyes. "Marie, you could charm the birds out of the trees."

"Alex, don't give her any ideas." Ellie said with mock severity. "She'll end up making blue-bird pie."

"I hate songbirds!" Marie said cheerfully.

"For someone so loveable, you sure have a lot of hate in you." Alex gently taunted.

"I know, it's weird, isn't it?" Marie said as she hopped back into Gimli's arms and huddled into his beard. "I DEMAND A SNUGGLE!"

"I'm afraid you'll have to snuggle with your Dwarf later, Marie." Alex forced himself not to laugh at her disappointment. "It seems the Hosts of Hell have invaded the Castle."

Marie froze, it was one of those moments when a brilliant idea suddenly hit her like a punch to her metaphorical groin. "It was a distraction." She said weakly.

"What?"

"The other battle. It was a distraction to keep us from coming back in time. They were trying to separate us."

Alex looked at Ellie. "That actually makes a lot of sense."

Marie pulled an annoyed face. "I've been known to do that from time to time." She retorted sarcastically.

"Really?" Ellie faked surprise. "Do tell." She laughed when Marie smiled and stuck out her tongue.

"We've wasted enough time here, we should get to the dining hall so that we can form some semblance of a plan." Alex told them in a no-nonsense tone of voice. He peeked out into the hall and saw no sign of demons. He crept out, leading the way.


	30. Angst, Angst, and more Angst

Hm.

E-What are you hmm'ing about?

Hmmmmmmm.

E-TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE HMMMMM'ING ABOUT RIGHT NOW!

You really want to know?

E-YES!

I was doing it to annoy you.

E-...

I own nothing except for the plot and my OCs. :)

The dining hall was really humongous, a room filled end to end with almost nothing but rows of tables and chairs. Of course, the walls were hung with rich colored fabrics and other such luxury as befits a castle.

Currently there was a large amount of people sitting or standing. Alex pinpointed his twin Alyssa out of the crowd. She had her back against the wall and had a generally sour expression on her face. Their eyes met for a single second and she nodded her greetings. He knew that would be all welcome he could expect to receive from her, however it did not bother him as much as it should have.

The silence was eerie. No one inside would even dare to talk at this point. The Hosts of Hell had attacked Castle Perilous before and the Castle had nearly been reverted back to the demon from which it had been created; Ramothonodox. It was an evil thing that they had returned.

Marie was holding Gimli very tightly, her bright green eyes darted about the crowd. Many of the people were fellow postal employees, some of them were Guests who had wandered in from their respective worlds and had decided to stay, and yet others were part of the hiararchy of the Castle Perilous. This meant, of course, King Incarnadine, his brother Prince Trent, and Sheila.

Those were the elite magic workers of the Castle, however, Incarnadine was still holding off the demons and giving the people within the room time to form a plan. Trent and Sheila had appeared not long ago and were working their way towards Elli, Marie, Alex, and Gandalf.

The Maia sucked in a sharp breath. "So many lives could be lost...because of my recklessness."

Marie patted him on the back. "It was just as much my fault as it was yours."

Gandalf put his head into his hands. "That's different! Everyone /expects/ you to mess up!"

Marie frowned, offended. "Well, I guess I see how I stand." She said crossly and turned her back to him so that he couldn't see that her eyes were starting to water.

"Oh, Marie, he didn't mean it like that-" Ellie began in a vain attempt to consol her.

"Then he shouldn't have said it!" Marie snapped and stormed off. "Just because I'm a bit of an absentminded ditz doesn't mean everyone should expect for me to make a mistake." She closed her eyes and swallowed hard and then left the room to the utter dismay of her friends.

Gandalf seemed to have recognized his misstep and now he was regretful. "I've never seen her lose her temper." Ellie observed quietly. "I didn't know she even had one."

"I think that there's a lot of things we don't know about her." Alex said pensively. "We should go after her, it's too dangerous for her to be out and about in the halls alone."

The castle shook like it had been hit by an earthquake, causing them to stumble into each other. Ellie tripped over Gimli and would have landed on her face had it not been for Alucard catching her just an inch before she hit. "I'll go look for her, beloved." His voice curled like smoke around her. "I cannot die." He chuckled. "God help whatever demon gets in my way."

"Um..just so we get this straight," Lorne broke in hesitantly. "I'm a demon who's on /your/ side. So no blowing holes in my head, comprende?"

"Got it." Alucard smirked at the Pylean demon, who bit his scarlet lips anxiously. He went out the double doors without making a sound.

Prince Trent and his intended finally managed to force their way over. "What was all of the commotion about?"

"Angst, angst, and more angst." Ellie said wearily, putting a hand to her head. "Are you here to discuss some battle tactics?"

Trent nodded. "In a way. We've managed to isolate the portal by putting every other on lockdown, but we're going to have to have volunteers to go and close up the unauthorized portals properly."

Ellie felt a hard lump form in her throat. "Wouldn't that be extremely dangerous?"

Trent pinned her with a solemn stare. "No, it wouldn't. It would be almost certainly a death sentence. The demons would catch the scent of whoever was doing so and would chase them down through every world until they had cornered and destroyed the unfortunate soul. Not only that, but the Hosts of Hell have access to every portal that was made without supervision and could, in theory, cause the complete collapse of every related world."

"So we're SOL?" Ellie bemoaned.

Trent considered this. "Well, not really. If the person were to be both incalculably lucky and unlucky at once, then there might be a small chance that they could go through and close up the portals without being killed."

There was a slight pause and then everyone said at once. "Marie!"

Marie sighed deeply and rubbed at her eyes. She knew that running off like that had been a very stupid thing to do, but she knew the Castle like the back of her hand.

She turned the corner and saw a great, red fleshy beast that had its back to her. "Oh, that's new." She said faintly.

The thing had great black lesions all over it's body that seemed to consistantly ooze both a green liquid and a terrible rotting stench. Its tail was long and had an arrow-head point at the tip.

Then it stiffened and sniffed the air and she could see puffs of smoke errupt from it's nostrils. "Ah, a little pick-me-up." It said in a voice that slithered out of its mouth like a serpent.

"Hey!" She crossed her arms. "I'm NOT little!"

"Th' way yer talkin' seems ta me like Marie is th' difference 'tween all o' our worlds crumblin' ta pieces." Jack took a swig out of his ever-present rum bottle.

"It may be that she is." Trent agreed.

"What? So our lives and the entire Canon-verse is in the hands of that dunderheaded woman?!" Snape growled. "Why don't you send me? I'm used to being used and abused for causes that are 'bigger than us all'." Alex started to laugh and Snape glared at him. "What are you laughing at, boy?"

Alex just smiled innocently at him. "Oh nothing. Nothing at all. I only found it wonderfully cute that you pretend to hate her so much, but you're really trying to protect her now." Snape just glared at him silently, but could find nothing to say to disprove what Ellie's brother had accused.


	31. Demon Pox and other uncomfortable things

E-Demon pox?!

It wasn't my idea. It was from those books you lent me the other week.

E-Sometimes I wonder why I introduce you to more canons. You're the biggest fangirl I've ever met.

But If I weren't a fangirl, you wouldn't get Fanmail.

E-True, very true. Please, continue being a fangirly nuscience.

Always. :D I own nothing, not even demon pox, except for the plot and my OCs. Please R&R! Not only does it get my muse going, but it's just plain polite! Thanks!

The demon reached out at Marie, who had finally realized the kind of danger she was in. She jumped out of the way and his slow grab missed her by a foot. She grinned and dashed between his legs as quick as a flash. He stumbled around for a moment, then made for another grab, this time he was quicker and he caught the edge of her T-shirt with his dirty talon and ripped halfway down the back. Marie glanced down at herself, horrified. "THAT WAS MY FAVORITE KISS BAND T-SHIRT!" She shouted at him, wild with rage. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself!" She admonished him while he watched her with astonishment. "It's impolite to ruin things that don't belong to you!" She huffed. "Are you going to apologize or not?!"

The demon seemed to think this over for a moment. "Ummmm...yes?"

She tapped her foot impatiently. "Well?"

He sighed, but obliged her for some reason unknown to his infernal being. "I'm sorry for ripping your shirt."

She smiled up at him. "I forgive you, now let's be friends!"

The demon had obviously no idea what he was up against because, unbeknownst to Marie, she was working her talent to the max just by forcing him to talk to her instead of eat her on the spot. However, her talent was used often enough that it was relatively powerful. So it was that she subdued the monster. "Er..okay." He held out a hand. "I'm Bubba."

"Marie." She shook his hand grandly.

It was at that point that Alucard showed up. He pushed Marie behind him and pointed the gun at Bubba. "You always get yourself into the worst sort of mess!" He laughed maniacally.

"Actually, it was no mess at all. Bubba and I are friends." Marie corrected him stubbornly and stepped in front of the gun. "Plus, he's sick. It wouldn't be fair to kill a sick opponent, would it?"

Alucard lowered his gun. "Sick? What do you mean he's sick?"

Marie put all of her practiced dramatics into her sympathetic expression. "He's got Demon Pox."

"What?" Bubba caught Marie's insistant nodding. "Oh, yeah..." He started scratching all over. "I've got Demon Pox /real/ bad." He pointed to the oozing sores all over his body. "The demon doc says its the worst case he's seen since right after the Fall."

"So you get them seasonally?" Alucard asked, misinterpreting the meaning of 'Fall'.

Marie smiled and nodded. "Oh yes. It's sort of like being allergic to ragweed, only much more painful and-" She made a disgusted face as a drop of ooze dripped onto the floor. "Much more messy."

"And extremely contagious!" Added Bubba the recently domesticated demon.

Alucard looked at them sceptically. He didn't really believe all of this 'demon pox' nonsense, but he would let it slide as long as Marie went back to the dining hall. So he began to drag Marie by the elbow back. Bubba followed only because he was not quite sure what else he should do with himself. His tail swished back and forth knocking random bits of things from the walls and smashing poor vases from the 18 century.

Marie made quite the scene when she and Alucard entered with Bubba right behind them. Everyone gasped and someone even screamed. She frowned. "Hey, guys. It's not like I came back from the dead or anything. No need to freak out."

Ellie pointed at Bubba. "Marie...you know that there's a demon behind you, right?" Bubba waved at Ellie, causing Frank to faint. He was /conveniently/ caught by Alex, who seemed unsure what to do about the unconcious alien.

Marie smiled over her shoulder. "Oh, yeah. That's just Bubba." She furrowed her eyebrows and whispered. "DId they scream because he has Demon Pox?"

Ellie just gaped at her. Trent grinned at her. "The Charm is strong in that one."

Marie made a face. "I hate Star Wars."


	32. Goodbye, I don't know why you say Hello

Hello, everyone. I was only going to write two chapters tonight, but I was urged to write a bonus chapter by E-. And this time it was without a threat attached! I think she's getting better...

Snape:I think she should start threatening you to stop writing these ridiculous chapters.

You haven't been here in a while.

Snape: I was...busy.

Uh-huh...busy with what?

Snape: I..caught...Demon Pox..

Excuse me?!

Snape: You heard me. I've broke out in great red spots and they keep itching like crazy- *Sees me laughing* What?!

Those are Fan Pox! It means that you are currently being obsessed over.

Snape: How do I get rid of them?

Be OOC.

Snape: I WANT A BINKY! *Looks at arms* They went away!

Home remedies work best :) I own nothing except for my plot and my OCs!

-

Marie and Bubba seemed to get along fine. Bubba, after having been domesticated by her talent, had been willing to make hesitant friends with everyone else in the gang. "I never was a decent demon anyway." He explained to her with some sadness. "I could never stand the god-awful heat down there."

"You mean the firey pits of Hell?" She asked curiously.

He gave her a strange look. "No, I mean the damned, no pun intended, central heating system down there. The thing was always scorching and made me sweat like crazy." He went on, not realizing it was turning into a mild rant. "And humans wonder why demons smell so bad all the time? It's because there isn't a deoderant in Creation that will stand up to ten tons of sweating demon!"

Marie didn't know quite what to say to that, so she just smiled and nodded politely. Ellie sat beside her, dumbfounded that Marie could have done something as strange and as outlandish as befriend a demon. "Well, Mare," Alex chuckled. "It seems that you had the bad luck to run into a demon, but the good luck to have found the only one who was susceptable to your charms."

Trent heaved a sigh. "Equal amounts of bad and good luck." He muttered under his breath.

Ellie heard him and resented him for reminding her, but she pulled Marie's attention away from her demonic new friend. "Marie, there's something I need to tell you."

"Well, spit it out!" Marie told her bluntly, then she re-thought that statement. "Actually, don't litrally spit it out. That would be disgusting." So Ellie began the task of carefully explaining to her friend what needed to be done. Marie listened intently, her head cocked to one side, with a thoughtful expression. She would need to go back through to every single Canon that they had gone through before in order to save those worlds from being destroyed. It was a risky thing that she would be attempting and Ellie had a hard time explaining to her that there was a very real possibility that she could lose her life. "And there won't be any spare lives." Marie said absently. "Not like Mario." She looked down. "And I won't be wearing overalls, thank goodness."

"No," Ellie said with a forced laugh. "Not like Mario."

Marie managed a weak smile. "I hate that video game,anyway." Then she hugged Ellie and kissed Gimli on the cheek. She said goodbye to everyone of her friends for what might be the last time. Hatter, Jack, Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, Arwen, Austin (who, for old time's sake, tried to feel her butt and was a man about being slapped in the face), Misto, Tugger, and Hellboy nearly squished her in a group hug. She even recieved a respectful pat on the head from Snape, whom she hugged any to his expressed dismay. Jareth just smiled at her and handed her a crystal to keep. Willy gave her a stiff, awkward hug and Charlie almost burst into tears. gave her a meat-pie for the road and Todd lent her the use of one of his shaving blades just in case. Poor Eddie almost started crying when it was his turn to say goodbye. She even managed to be civil with Edward, despite the fact that he was sparkling especially bright at that particular moment. When everyone was through, she found that she had left Gandalf for last. "I'm sorry for overreacting like I did." She said sheepishly.

"It was I who insulted you." He remarked gravely. "I greatly insulted your inteligence and I apologize humbly for my hurtful words."

Marie turned to Trent. "I'm ready." She said bravely.

Trent began to chant, meanwhile Sheila was advising Marie. "Don't take it off." She warned, handing Marie her official postmistress headgear. "Work through all of the Canons as quickly as possible and try not to draw attention to yourself by smelling human."

"Um..how can I NOT smell like a human?" Marie asked bemusedly. "I am quite human, so therefore I smell as a human would smell."

Bubba trudged up to her. "I can mask the human smell." He announced. "If you let me come with you, I can make it seem as if it were just me and it would be easier for you."

Marie smiled. "I would hug you if you didn't have Demon Pox!" She said adoringly.

Almost instantly, a chorus went up from nearly everyone in the room. "What's Demon Pox?" Marie only laughed and shared a conspiratorial wink with Bubba, who tried to wink back, but ended up shooting demon eye-juice all over the floor where it proceeded to rot away the stones like acid.

"Sorry." The demon said quickly. Trent sighed and snapped his fingers making the floor restore itself and clean again. A familiar portal appeared at Marie's feet, it was the one that led to her adopted Canon, Middle-Earth. She grinned and, without hesitation, jumped right in. Bubba followed right after.

Snape watched as the portal slowly sealed over. "Well, " He clapped his hands together. "We're doomed."


	33. World War Spaghetti

Yohla peoples!

E- Everyone told me to tell you that they're too busy to appear in the chapter notes at this time.

Why?

E-Apparently, Alex's on/off boyfriend Fuji found out about Frank and..well..it wasn't pretty.

Oh, my gosh, what happened?!

E-Hair was pulled, make-up was smeared, clothes were ripped, picture a fight between two teenage girls and then times that by flying fishnets and high-heels being sharpened into spears.

Who won?

E-That's why they're still busy.

Oh...

E-Yeaaaaah...

I don't own anything except for my OCs and the plot!

Things were looking bleak for them all. No one had caught a glimpse of Incarnadine yet and they were starting to fear that something terrible had happened. The most they had to hope for was that Marie would not fail to close the entrances to the portals.

A desperate pounding on the doors broke through the unnatural silence. Ellie opened the door and Incarnadine rushed in and slammed them behind himself. He was breathing hard and his face was red and covered in bleeding cuts. "What happened?!" She asked desperatly while dabbing with a wet cloth at his wounds.

"There's not much time!" He rubbed a hand over his face and the wounds healed over. He took in a huge breath. "THEY HAVE SPORKS!"

Hatter laughed. "Is that all?" Everyone looked at him with astonishment and he grinned back. "We just have to serve them spaghetti!" He chuckled. "Spaghetti always defeats sporks. It's in the rules."

"Where in the world are we going to get spaghetti?" Ellie asked.

Trent coughed. "You're forgetting that we have some of the best magicians in the universes!"

"So you have David Blain and Cris Angel?"

Incarnadine, Trent, and Sheila shared exhasperated looks. "I meant us!" With that, they began summoning huge wads of spaghetti. It practically rained Angel Hair noodles, meatballs and Prego sauce until they were all ankle deep in the yummy Italian awesomeness of it all.

Raven picked a random noodle off of her cloak and rolled her eyes at it. "Evil demons beware." She said blandly. "We have spaghetti."

The occupants of entire dining hall grabbed up handfulls of the foodstuff and waited. It was only a matter of time until the demons would find them all and bring their hellish, sporky wrath down upon them.

Meanwhile...

Marie was galloping through Willy's factory. Well, actually, she wasn't the one doing the galloping, that would be Bubba. Technically she was bouncing around on his back determinedly attached to on of the horny protrusions on his back by one hand.

She made the mistake of waving to the Oompa-Loompas as they were going by and ended up falling off and landing in an ungraceful heap on the swudge that carpeted the ground of the Chocolate Room.

It was only luck that she landed an inch away from the triangular, red and gold portal. It was smaller than before and very hard to see, but from her angle it was easy. "Bubba! I found it!"

The demon hadn't even noticed that she'd fallen off and was startled by her voice. He was so startled that he fell off of the very narrow bridge that crossed the chocolate river. He ended up spluttering and floating around in the chocolate. "HELP!" He choked. "I CAN'T SWIM!"

Marie waved over the Oompa-Loompas and pointed at Bubba. They nodded their understanding and somehow got a random crane to come and rescue the poor drowning demon from his doom. After he had been retrieved Marie helped him get the chocolate from his eyes with her handkerchief. "You can't swim? Why not?"

He shook his head. "Must I restate how hot it was in my own world? The only water in my world is steam."

Marie went to work on closing up the portal. "You know, speaking of steam, I bet that if the demons had set up a sauna business in their own world, they wouldn't feel the need to conquer other worlds because they could monopolize the sauna industry. I mean, after all, what's hotter than hell?"

"Megan Fox." He replied seriously.

They knew the demons weren't all that far away now. They could tell from the sulferous stench that was slowly getting stronger with each minute that passed.

Canons and humans alike waited in earnest for the moment. It seemed that time had slowed to a stand-still and they would be frozen with anticipation forever.

And then...it happened!


	34. Bringing a Spork to a Spaghetti Fight

I own nothing!

Chuck Norris: BOWFLEX!

What are you doing here? You had your chapter already!

Chuck: Bow, Bow, flex, flex, bow.

I can't understand muscleman talk, could I please get an interpreter in here?!

*Arnold Schwarzenegger comes into play* He said that he will TERMINATE YOU! *Glances down at notes* No, wait..that's not it...*Glances at Chuck, who rolls his eyes* Repeat that please?

Chuck: *Slowly* Bow, Bow, flex, flex, bow.

Arnold: *shrugs* It does not make any sense.

*Facepalm* Can we get someone else, please?

*Jackie Chan appears beside Arnold and Chuck. He listens intently to what Chuck has to say* He says that he was called here because you needed him.

But I /don't/ need him!

Jackie: Oh, but you do. You needed him to make this a humorous disclaimer.

...I will not contest that. *Smiles* Thank you. You all may leave now.

*Jackie and Chuck disappear, but Arnold stays for a second longer* I'LL BE BACK!

*Sigh* I'm sure you will.

Smoke tendrils began to leak through the cracks of the doors and the knob visibly grew red-hot. Then in a sudden blast of flame, the solid oak doors were cinders in only seconds. The demons were indistinguishable in the glow eminating from the doorway. Slowly, the glow faded and the monsterous forms of the vile beings could be seen clearly.

Some of them had more than one head with shiny scaly patches all over their bodies and horns growing in curls about their head. Still others had irredescent colors and bright yellow cat-eyes that flashed and flickered with an in-born flame.

And this impressive, intimidating image was completely and utterly destroyed when you noticed that they were carrying sporks instead of pitchforks.

Ellie stifled a giggle, but one of the demons heard her snort and snarled. "HOW DARE YOU LAUGH?!"

"How dare you bring a spork to a spaghetti fight?" Hatter challanged boldly, a teasing smirk on his lips. Having said this, he expertly threw a meatball right at the demon's eye.

The demon howled in anguish as the meatball hit him right in the eyeball. One of the other demons growled and rolled his eyes. "Oh, come /on/ Mephistopheles, do you really have to be such a drama queen?"

Mephistopheles punched the other demon in the abdomen, causing little harm to him. "Shut up, Beezel!" He rubbed at his eye ruefully. "That was a spicy meatball!"

Ellie couldn't help herself and, between giggles, she said. "If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen!"

"That's it!" Mephistopheles snarled and made to grab her. He was promptly pummeled by speghetti. "AGGGGHHH!" He grabbed at his arms, where the spaghetti seemed to be eating away at his demon skin. "It burns!"

And so began the Great Spaghetti War. Or World War Spaghetti, whichever you may prefer to call it. In any event, it was quite the embarrassment for the demonic element. Their sporks were no match for the trick strands of deadly spaghetti which slipped smoothly through their stubby prongs. "Dammit!" Mephistopheles swore loudly. "Why did Lucy have to be so fucking cheap and refuse to buy us proper pitchforks! We could have made /them/ into meatballs!"

Frank chuckled to himself, suddenly realizing the implications of such a word. "Meatballs." He laughed as he chucked another handfull of sauce-covered pasta at the demon hoard.

The Oompa-Loompas watched as Marie and the demon disappeared. 'How are we going to explain demon-flavored chocolate to ?' Gestured one of the Oompa-Loompas to his friend.

His friend shrugged. 'Perhaps it will be a popular flavor.'

A little while afterward...

Marie woke up with a familiar headache. She glanced around and smiled. "Why, this is a wonderful surprise!" Said a delighted voice from behind her. She turned to see Albus Dumbledore smiling benignly down at her. "Miss Radcliffe, how lovely it is that you seemed to be able to avoid the stunners this time!

"I belive we're sharing a mutual relief, Dumbledore." She grinned at him back. "You wouldn't happen to know if we left a portal behind would you?"

The Headmaster clapped his hands together. "Oh, I had been hoping someone would come to put that dreadful thing to rights!" He motioned for her to follow him out of his office and down the steps. "It clashes terribly with the decor and we haven't been able to get rid of it. We daren't put a rug over it to hide it lest some poor unfortunate steps into it and is transported into another canon!"

He led her to the Hospital Wing and pointed at the middle of the floor. A minescule square of peach-hued portal was swirling weakly. She reached down to begin the process of closing it, but scream caused her to look up.

Bubba had followed her quietly to the portal, but he was still a rather prominent figure and so he had caused a grand stir among the students who had just been let out of class.

"I suppose now would be a good time to explain why I brought him with me, huh?" Marie said sheepishly under the searching blue gaze of the Headmaster.


	35. The Sporks are put to better use

Snape: Melda is busy at the moment.

Marie: She's attempting to keep her goldfish from murdering each other.

Alex: Er...no..Marie. Where did you hear that?

Marie: From Chuck Norris.

Snape: You can understand that...that..*makes face*..I really have no insult for .

Marie: Well, it wasn't though him directly...

Alex: Did Arnold translate.

Marie: Yes, why?

*Alex and Snape share a look, shake their heads, then Alex clears his throat* I believe I'm speaking for Melda when I say that she neither owns me (That credit goes to the great and magnificent E-) nor Professor Snape here *points at Snape* nor any other of the characters besides poor Miss Marie Radcliffe-Gloinsson *Marie waves* and the plot.

Dumbledore stroked his beard thoughtfully as he stared unblinkingly up at Bubba, who was being practically drooled over by Hagrid. The half-giant man was practically on Cloud Nine when the demon actually started to talk to him.

Marie smiled. "I believe he's made a friend at school." She sighed happily. "That's very good. Having no friends at school is such a depressing thing."

"Indeed." The Headmaster said softly. He turned to her. "Hadn't you two best be on your way?"

Marie frowned. "What?"

"Your mission? To close up the portals..?" He prodded gently. "You /do/ remember that, right?"

"Oh, yeah!" She grinned. "That." She manuvered her way over to Bubba. However, there was a most unfortunate incident due to her height. When she came up to Bubba, Hagrid did not see her and he chose that moment to use his hands to illustrate what he was talking about. Marie was accidently the recipient of a heavy backhand right to the side of her head.

Hagrid stopped talking immediately. "Ah, no!" He groaned. "No' again!"

Bubba picked up the unconcious postmistress. "This has happened before?"

Hagrid nodded sadly. "I' is a very long story." He intoned. "Including a lot of bacon, a pissed-off pigeon, and a crazy old cat lady with peanutbutter in her false teeth. Ye prob'ly won' wanna know wha' happened."

Bubba facepalmed and groaned. "And now you've made me curious! I HATE it when people do that!"

"Could we perhaps get back to the matter at hand?" Proposed Albus as he gently prodded the poor woman with his wand. "I've run a diagnostic spell on her. It seems that she has a concussion. She needs to be taken into the care of Madam Pomfrey so that we can have her back to her old self as soon as possible."

The battle had been terrible. There had been losses...enormous losses. Meatballs been sacrificed by the bucketful, Prego sauce covered the walls in a thick red and crusting mess. Most of all, there were the smooshed noodles that had braved the evils of war and ended up destroyed completely by the demons and the mad rush of the fight.

The demons had been defeated, but were unwilling to give away their leader, despite being tortured with their own sporks. Sporks may not be effective against spaghetti, but they did cause the demons to make funny and embarrassing noises when they were poked in the side with one. Snape was in charge of the torture. He jabbed a spork viciously into the kidney region of the demon called Mephistophelees. "TELL ME!"

"NO!" Roared the demon. "You'll have to shove bamboo shoots up my talons before I tell you!"

Snape smirked and began sharpening his spork. "I'm afraid we don't have bamboo, but we /do/ have sporks..."

"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO OPEN YOUR FAT MOUTH!" Snarled the demon named Beezel.


	36. We Support Safe Innuendos!

Hey, everybody! I know I haven't updated in a while, but blame it on my faulty computer.

Snape: No, by all means, blame it on her.

Shut up. No one asked for your two knuts. *Giggles* If you even have knuts at all...

Snape: *growls* Just get on with what you were saying, woman.

Anyway, as I was saying before I was so /rudely/ interrupted. I would like to issue a request from a few of my loyal readers. Now, I have long been wanting a picture of the YGF crowd, but I cannot draw even a recognizable stick-figure. So I would like to ask for some art from those of you who, unlike me, /can/ draw. You may draw it anyway you like, but I would prefer if it had most of the main cast in it (i.e. Marie, Gimli and the Fellowship). I will give the artist or artists recognition, a designated place for their artwork in the next chapter or chapters of YGF2 as well as an additional bonus prize of a short story about whatever LotR thing they have in mind. You may reach me via email which I will provide for those who express interest in their comments ;)

Snape: You're wasting your time. No one wants to bother with drawing something for your stupid story.

Yet another motivation, my dear readers. Prove him wrong!

Snape: If you do not end this soon, then I will end YOU!

I own nothing.

"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!" Ellie heard above the pained shouts and pleadings of the demons. She rolled her eyes. Snape could be so...Snapey sometimes.

"I think he's getting much more enjoyment out of this than he should be..." Alex said awkwardly.

"He's probably just imagining it's Marie that he's torturing." Jareth smirked as another particularly loud demonic screech came from behind them. "Ooh. Now he's heating up the sporks like they do with iron brands!"

"Does anyone else feel sorry for them?" Ichabod cleared his throat timidly. "I mean...even demons don't deserve-"

"It was more humane than sending in Austin. He would have seduced them to death. Perhaps even killing himself in the process." Willy pointed out with a sly smirk. "And we all know what a tragedy *that* would be, don't we?" They all glared at Austin.

Austin put up his hands to defend himself. "Hey, now! What about if you all had sent in Edward?"

"Oh damn.." Ellie said clapping her hands to her mouth. "He's right." She gasped weakly. "They would have been slowly sparkled into oblivion!"

"What painful way to die." Tarrant mused with a strange grin on his face. "How utterly..malevolent..you might even say it would be..hellish?"

Everyone groaned and slapped him for the corny joke. Meanwhile, Snape had left the demons for the moment and joined the tiny group. "I have tried everything." He declared in a somewhat depressed and somber tone. "Sporks up their nails, heating the things up and pressing them into their skin, I even force-fed them brussel sprouts via spork! Nothing works!"

"Have you made them listen to Justin Bieber yet? Or Rebecca Black?"

Snape's head jerked up and an malicious glint lit up his pitch-black eyes. "No, I have not. It seems that all is not lost!" And he went back to cheerfully torturing and this time whistling a merry tune.

"Again, I do believe that he is enjoying this too much." Alex shook his head and sent a pitying look over his shoulder at the small group of intruders.

"Oh, let him have his fun." Alucard chuckled. "It seems to me that he never has any."

Ellie whirled around. "First, the only reason he doesn't have fun is because what he calls 'fun' usually involves the harming of small fluffy creatures and/or innocent bystanders. Second, WHEN DID YOU GET HERE? HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO SNEAK UP ON ME?! YOU COULD GET PUNCHED!"

He slipped an arm around her waist, causing her to glare and grumble at him. "I can take a bullet, I believe I can bear a punch from you, dearest."

Her eyes lit up with a mean light. "But, *dearest* I could always hide your coffin."

All signs of joking left him. "You wouldn't." His eyes widened at her straight face. "You would. *You naughty girl.*"

She stared him right in the eye. "If you ever say that to me again, I will stake you and I'm not talking treating you to a T-Bone."

He suddenly let out a laugh and pulled her close. "Yes, but I might be treating you to a T-Boner-"

SMACK!

Jareth casually juggled four crystals in one hand. "And that is why I have pledged never to tell a dirty joke if the object of my affections is violent. I practice safe innuendos."

The last two canons had been safe. It seemed that those portals in both Jareth's canon and in Jack's the portals had closed by themselves. Right now though, she was playing Frogger with Thackory..in the sense that she was constantly dodging teacups and other such tea-ware.

Mally, of course, wasn't exactly helping. She was dueling Chessire for the possession of Hatter's hat, which the slick feline had once again somehow managed to steal.

Bubba finally picked up Thackory by his ears and the March Hare dropped the teacups and stared with big eyes and droopy whiskers at him. "You're silly." Bubba chuckled. "Stop throwing stuff."

"S-s-spoon?" Thackory held up teaspoon.

"Even spoons." Bubba said admonishingly before setting the him back on the table.

Marie grinned and happily went back to work sealing the portal. "Now it's back to Hellboy's canon." He snatched up and she gripped the horns on his back tightly. "You know, my luck has been surprisingly good for a while now. I hope it will last." She snapped her mouth shut, then facepalmed. "Son of a schnozzberry! I hope I didn't just jinx myself!"


	37. Simbarella Went Upstairs to Maul a fella

Hello, peoples.

E-FINALLY

Patience is a virtue, my dear.

E-So is pacifism. *Punches me hard in the arm* Am I supposed to care?

Ow. That hurt! *Pouty face* Don't make me sic Simbarella on you!

Marie: Um..Simbarella isn't up to sic-ing right now. She's taking a nap.

E- *Snicker*

*Sigh* Such is my life. I don't own anything.

It had been hours and still, even with the consistantly repeating terrible music in the background, there had been no progress whatsoever. Gandalf blew smoke rings for while until the sprinklers went off and soaked them all to the bone. Edward suggested that they play charades, but backed down from the horrifying glare he recieved. Ellie was leisurely stabbing Alucard with random objects and he didn't seem to mind all that much..which was..concerning to say the least.

Trent and Sheila had long since cleaned up the masses of smushed spagetti because the linguring scent of food can only be tolerated for a certain amount of time before one jumps up with a bottle of Fabreeze and goes ballistic. And that is why was not invited to participate..

Pippin's stomach growled, gurgled, and grumbled loud enough for everyone to hear. He blushed a deep crimson. "I'm hungry." He said bashfully.

"Again?!" Jareth exclaimed with astonishment. "You made me give you a peach not even a half hour ago!"

"But I'm still /hungry/!"

Ellie suddenly gave a yelp and put her hand to her mouth. Everyone's attention turned to her as she averted her eyes guiltily to the ground. "All of this talk about food has made me realize something!"

"What's wrong?" Aragorn asked, subdued concern evident in his tone.

She bit her lip. "I forgot to feed Simbarella and Donnie!"

Alucard raised an eyebrow inquisitively. "And just who are Simbarella and Donnie?"

She put her head in her hands. "Simbarella is Marie's pet lioness and Donnie is her pet turtle. His full name is Sheldon." She heaved a sad sigh. "Typically, I feed them when Marie isn't home, but I left in such a hurry...she'll be so upset!"

Austin's brow furrowed in confusion. "So..what you're telling me is that Marie has a /lion/ and a turtle-"

"Named Sheldon." Finished Ellie. "I can't believe I forgot to feed them!" She lamented.

"She has a pet /lion/ named Simbarella.."He said again, not quite able to believe it."And..she has a turtle..named..Sheldon?"

"Well, it wouldn't have made sense for her to name the turte Michelle, would it? It's a guy turtle." She informed him, misunderstanding him.

"I think what our articulately-challanged compadre here is trying to say is, how the heck did Marie get a lioness?!" Lorne asked, his scarlet eyes wide with interest.

Ellie grinned. "That's actually quite an interesting story. You see, it was during the time in which Marie and Gimli were visiting her parents. We were riding a shopping cart through the zoo while on the run from the FBI when-"

Boromir interrupted. "You can't simply ride a shopping cart while on the run from the FBI!"

Legolas shook his head. "What was that about?" He said while snickering a little.

Boromir grew red in the face. "Hey, it's the only running gag I've got! You get the 'pointing out the obvious thing'." He pointed to the Maia. "He's got that 'nothing bad ever happens..' thing." He crossed his arms and pouted childishly. "All I've got is the 'you don't simply..' thing! And it's not even a real joke!"

Paladin Anderson tsked. "My son, you should be grateful for all the Lord has gifted you with." His face went dark and creepy. "OR YOU WILL ROAST IN THE FIREY PITS!"

Alucard sighed, breaking the spooky, crazy moment. "Shut up, you're going to scare the children."

"There aren't any children here!" Anderson retorted.

"But if there were, they all would have needed therapy by now! Are you happy, Father?" Alucard taunted. "You've caused the mental scarring of a thousand non-existant minors!" Anderson stared blankly at him. "You're a sick, sick alter boy, Anderson."

Tarrant watched disinterestedly as the pair ranted and raved. It was his diverted attention, or lack of an attention span, whichever you would like to think, that allowed him to notice the strange wisps of red mist that was seeping under the door at the moment.

Snape didn't seem to notice. He was too busy trying to stop himself from launching the contents of his abdominal cavity all over the floor from the sickening lack of distance between himself and the girly voice singing about teenage angsty angst. The demons' skin had changed from bright red to looking somewhat green around their gills (some of them, strangely enough, actually had gills) from nausea.

It seemed that, for now, The Mad Hatter was the only one noticing the newest danger to them all.

Meanwhile, Marie was having quite a terrible time. She and Bubba had apparently been anticipated by someone because they were very nearly ambushed upon arrival in Todd's canon. The henchvillians, the long-reaching appendage of the C.o.C.K., had jumped them as soon as they popped out of the portal.

They never would have escaped if Marie hadn't channeled her inner McGayver and utilized a pocket full of hairpins, a bit of wire, and a battery. As soon as the bad guys took ahold of her, she shocked them. This gave Bubba enough time to swipe her up.

Now they were on the run down the dismal, disgusting streets of London. Civilians ran and screamed, divining that the Apocolypse had finally come. Marie didn't have time to be apologetic for the scare, however. She was too busy creating the portal that would save their behinds. And doing such a thing, as one may guess, is extremely difficult when riding atop a gigantic Clifford-colored fiend. It eventually happned, however, and they escaped..barely.


	38. There is Beliebering Afoot!

I know it has been a few weeks, but I haven't given this up for lost!

Snape: Oh woe is me!

Shut up. Anyway, the fic is once again winding itself down and you'll have to forgive me for the angst in this chapter. I assure you that the next one will be more lighthearted.

Snape: DON'T FORGIVE HER. PELT HER WITH DUNGBOMBS!

You aren't funny.

Snape: E- thinks I am. Look at her. *Points* She's laughing her bum off.

Yes, well, E-'s opinion in the chapter notes does not filter on into the readers.

Snape: She reads this, too.

I know. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT HAS TO SPREAD!

Snape: Who knows? Maybe it's a contact disease? Sort of like Demon Pox?

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS DEMON POX! And I own nothing. :)

Marie dusted herself off and straightened her clothing. This was it, she thought as she smiled at the familiar landscape of Munchkinland. This was the last stop on her quest and she'd only been attacked by demons once! "I really do hope that my luck holds up." She said for the second time in only a few hours.

Bubba sniffed the air and grimaced. "Smells like..flowers.." He gave an almighty sneeze which threw his head forward and Marie went sailing through the air only to land on the thatched roof of one of the Munchkins' houses. She blinked dazedly up at him. He sniffled and sneezed again.

"Bless you." She said, then chuckled at the irony of the situation.

"Tanks." He said while holding his nose. She nodded happily and made her way carefully off of the roof so that she did not break the miniature house.

"Well, I suppose we should get to work, eh?" She marched along the Yellow Brick Road humming the same song that she had whilst on her last adventure. "You know," She murmured. "I wonder if anything is going on back at the Castle? It simply doesn't make sense that things have been so quiet for us. They told me it was a life-threatening ordeal."

"Me and you came super close to death before." Reminded the gigantic demon, letting loose another earth-shaking 'Atchoo'!

Marie grinned. "Bless you. You know, next time you should try saying 'Pika' before you sneeze."

"Why?" The demon blew his nose on a scrappy hankie that he'd tucked somewhere.

She laughed and turned to face him. "Because Your Life Is Average!" Then she added. "And so is mine. My life is very, very average."

They went on and on until they came to the Emerald City and asked to see the Wizard. The guard recognized Marie and let them in (albeit reluctantly). Upon entering, they found the wizened Wizard of Oz sitting in the middle of his visiting room playing chess and having tea with the Wicked Witch of the West. "Checkmate! I win!" The green-skinned woman shrieked with glee. "Now..." She said slyly. "Take it off.."

The Wizard sighed deeply and loosened his tie, then threw it to the ground. He was about to take off his jacket, too when he noticed that he had company. He blushed a very deep red. "Well..h-hello."

The Witch smiled gruesomely at her. "Good afternoon, my pretty." She rubbed her hands together. "To what do I owe this wonderful visit that woefully interupts my game of Strip Chess with the Wizard?"

Marie bit her lip and frightening images popped into her head. "You..two..were..pl-playing..Strip Chess?!"

"Yes, and I WON!" The Witch giggled maddeningly. "That means...well...you know." She cackled uncontrollably, holding her sides. "Just wait until Madame Mim hears of this! She'll be anxious to try it out with Merlin, that old codger!"

"Marvelous Mad Madame Mim?" Marie gulped. "Isn't she a bit..insane?"

The Witch glared and huffed. "You're one to talk, Miss Blurt-Out-Whatever-Comes-To-Mind. At least she's tactfully crazy."

Marie smiled benignly. "My apologies."

The Witch nodded. "So, what have you come for, Missy? I haven't got the time to play games." She smirked over at the Wizard, who was shaking his head in shame. "At least, not when I'm already playing one."

"Oh, nothing." Marie said casually. "I was just finishing up my job closing the portals that would have let the Hosts of Hell come barreling through all of the Canons that we visited three years ago." The Witch grew alarmed at hearing this and Marie decided to reel her in. No tact, indeed! "It's a very long story. You wouldn't be interested-"

"No, no, go on." The Witch urged.

"Well, it all started when we were having our third annual get-together celebrating the annihilation of all the Sues from the Canonverse. We were on Captain Jack Sparrow's ship The Black Pearl and poor Gandalf was having trouble with his seasickness. So I tried to give him a hand when the ship pitched particularly hard, causing him to lose hold of his staff and creating a portal which I, unfortunately, fell into."

The Witch shook her head. "Child, you are better at getting yourself into scrapes than that murderous Dorothy."

Marie sighed heavily. "Yes, I know. I've been told that many times by multiple people. May I continue?"

"Of course, I never told you to stop."

Marie went on to explain how she had ended up in an unknown Canon, which was thankfully full of friendly people. Then she went on to tell what vague idea she had of her friends' attempts to find her and how they even called on the help of her old friend Ellie. She didn't have good grasp of what had gone on, only that her friends had found out, quite by accident, that there were forces who were planning to take over the entire Canonverse.

At this news, the Witch became very peeved. "WHAT?! Villains were planning on taking over the entire Canonverse and no one told me?!" She threw a fireball, which ended up setting fire to a poor potted shrub on the other side of the room. Marie said a short eulegy for it in her head as she watched the smoke drift up to the ceiling. Meanwhile, the Witch had become irate. "WHY DO THEY NEVER TELL ME THESE THINGS! AM I A SECOND-RATE VILLAINESS?"

Marie attempted to cut in. "I'm sure that they didn't mean-"

"OF COURSE THEY MEANT IT! I AM A PILLAR OF EVIL! I AM A VILLAIN OF LITURATURE! I AM RIGHT UP THERE WITH CAPTAIN HOOK AND LONG JOHN SILVER! NOT TO MENTION THE RED QUEEN AND MORIARTY!" She seethed and threw another fireball, making the Wizard duck to avoid what was left of his hair being singed off.

"Now, now, don't you think you're being a bit melodramatic?" He admonished meekly after dodging a second flaming round.

She rounded on him. "NO! DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME MELODRAMTIC!" She gritted her teeth, then all of a sudden, her jaw muscles loosened and she stopped yelling and brandishing fire. An eerie smile crept across her lips. "They will pay for overlooking me." She began to pace back and fourth. "I am sure that if they have overlooked me, then surely they will have overlooked some of my colleagues."

"Pardon me, but are you planning on helping us?" Marie asked politely. "Because, if so, there is a favor I'd like to ask."

"Anything, my dear." The Witch said disturbingly sweetly. "Just as long as it has something to do with bringing about my revenge."

"Well.." She hesitated. "It sorta does. You see, there were supposed to be all of these demons chasing me. This job was supposed to be very deadly. However, I've only encountered them once and I got away relatively easy. I'm wondering if they were sent somewhere else for the time being?"

"Do you have any place in particular in mind where they might be?"

Marie licked her lips nervously and nodded. "I think they may be at Castle Perilous."

The Witch considered that for a moment. "That's a very stratigic place to attack. It has permanent portals, over 144,000 of them, set up all over the place. Not to mention the indefinite means to create temporary ones-"

"Such as the Real World." Marie interjected in earnest. "Gandalf can create rings that allow Canon Characters to exist there for an infinite amount of time. If he can do it, then some other magic could certainly try."

"But I thought that all magic from the Canonverse was immediately null and void upon entering The Real World?" The Wizard said worriedly.

Marie shrugged. "I have a theory. Magic in The Real World may be almost extinct, but perhaps there is enough that is leaked into it via the permanent portal as well as the temporary ones that link up to Castle Perilous. That place certainly has enough magic to spare."

The Witch agreed. "That would make some sense. The Castle has been connected to The Real World ever since The Beginning when the Great Beast was transfigured to make up its very walls." She narrowed her eyes at Marie, who simply grinned back at her. "How could someone as scatterbrained as you have come up with something like that?"

Marie raised an eyebrow, something she'd learned from her love/hate relationship with Snape. "Things are not what they appear."

The Wizard sighed and they glanced at him. He ran a hand through his hair before muttering. "C'est la vie. C'est la vie."

"Oui." Marie agreed.

"The bathrooms are straight down the hall, on the left." The Witch said in an attempt to be helpful.

"Um..thanks." Marie replied awkwardly as she winked at the Wizard behind her back. "So, do you think you could help me out?"

The Witch produced a smallish crystal ball from her pocket. She grinned proudly. "It's the newest line, it's at the height of fashion." She turned it over to show the sticker at the bottom

I'm a Belieber in Magic!

Marie swallowed her initial reaction, which was to ask the Witch why she had such terrible taste in music. It's for the sake of the Canonverse, she repeated over and over in her head.

Blissfully unaware of her visitor's inner struggle not to strangle her, she went on. "I've also got one that says 'I run with wolves!' Isn't that amazing?!"

"Yes." Marie forced herself to say. "I'm...very..happy for you."

"Anyway, let's see..Castle Perilous." The Witch tapped the crystal ball several times and different locations came up. All at once Family Guy came up. "Whoops." The Witch tapped it. "That was auto-tuned. Sorry about that."

"Don't worry about it."

"Ahah!" She said triumphantly. "Here we are. I've set it to the Dining Hall. That was the easiest place to start."

Marie stared around down at her oblivious friends. They looked bored to tears while she saw in the corner the reason for her ususually safe journey. "Snape sure is having fun." She giggled and then the vision shifted and she saw a red blur creeping towards the group.

Hatter had jumped up and was pointing at it. In his current state, he had reffered back to his Scottish accent. "Wha' thah 'ell ez tha'?!"

The red blur had gotten thicker over the course of a few seconds and even the demons had become alarmed. They were squirming and howling. Then a voice, one which Marie was sure that her friends could not hear, came from the crystal ball.

~I know you are watching.~ It said in a deep, cavernous voice that echoed in the room.

The Witch had gone pale as she recognized who it was immediately. "The Crimson King!" She exclaimed in horror. "The Ultimate Villain!"

~Do not be foolish. This battle is futile.~ It continued, ignoring her. ~The incompetent minions I have sent forth have been merely to distract you. Even now, I have cornered the Maia.~

Marie felt a deep-seated anger well up within her. What did this Blood-red Baron or whatever the hell he was, think he was doing?! "Are you threatening my friends?"

The voice laughed, a dark, rusty sound which made her think of metal grinding against stone. It made her shudder. ~No, I simply want the Maia. He has the last piece of the puzzle that I need to complete my domination.~

"The rings." She said weakly.

~Yes, the rings. When he made those rings, he had no idea the power that lurked within them. Their potential is infinite! It is the rings that have called me from my home to rise up and claim what I desire!~

"Why is it always world domination with you bad guys?" Marie demanded in an agrivated voice. "I mean, get a new schtick, for goodness sakes! Couldn't you settle for taking over the mall? Or perhaps the fashion industry? You guys would certainly excell at that for all the pomposity and thought that you put into your wardrobe." She did a facepalm. "Honestly!"

~Excuse me? I was trying to explain to you my plan for universal domination? Have you any manners at all?~

"Sorry." She said sheepishly. "Please, continue with your insane little rant."

~Thank you. As I was saying; er...what was I saying?~

"Something about Martha Stuart?" She suggested.

~Oh, yes! I think her towel line is superb. Plus, she has bargain prices on her red cloaks.~

"Do you know if Little Red Riding Hood buys from her?" Inquired Marie.

~You know, I think she does! And have you seen the new spells that are sponsered by Justin Beiber? Oh my gosh, I love his music! 'Baby' really hit home, you know?~

Marie shook her head, but inside she was smiling. If her opponent was a fan of Justin Beiber, then he would ultimately fail. Epicly. She had nothing to worry about. Karma would bring this guy down with ease, just for being so stupid. "Um..sure." She had to hide her smile.

~Well, I have to go! World Domination and all that..taa-taa! Crimson King ooooooouuuttt!~

The Witch was visibly shaking. "My pretty, I believe we are going to need back-up."

"Huh?"

"I've heard things about the Crimson King." She shivered. "Terrible things." She spoke in a whisper. "He once had a /teaparty/ with about fifty people!"

"Yeah..so?"

The Witch glanced around then leaned in and whispered hoarsely. "/There was no tea!/ It was all a lie!" She fell to her knees. "Oh, no one can hope to be as evil as he is, don't you see?!"

"Whatever you say." Marie turned to Bubba who simply shrugged.

"My pretty, we're going to have to go for older Canons." The Witch groaned. "I'm talking Shakespearian and epic poems! Mythology!"

"But that would take too much time!" Marie hissed. "The Crimson King will have annihilated the world by the time we rounded up enough people."

The Witch closed her eyes and rubbed her temples as if she had a headache. "There is a way to summon others..relatively quickly. Your stumbled on it when he brought you here."

"But we would have to get Misto to do it and that would mean going straight to the forefront of the battle! We would lose the advantage of behind-the-scenes warfare!" The Wizard of Oz protested. "It's dangerous!"

"But it would get the job done." The Witch said grimly. She turned to Marie. "Are you willing to fight for your friends?"

"I've done it before." Marie grinned broadly. "I lived through it the first time and I don't see why I shouldn't the second time around. I'm lucky that way."

With that said, she began to create a portal which would take her back to Headquarters and back to her friends who were now, although they did not truly know it, were in deep elephant dung.


	39. Marie is back, but not in black

Hey, it's Melda again!

Snape: You know, I actually missed you.

Really?! Yay!

Snape: Not really.

Awwww..you're mean!

Alucard: Have you just realized this? After every single complaint? Melda..sometimes I question your intelligence.

HEY!

Marie: Please don't insult her! If you discourage her, she might be tempted to give up on this story altogether and that would mean I wouldn't get any more doughnuts!

Don't you mean..er..cookies?

Marie: There's a difference?

Oy vey...*facepalm

E- I think she meant that sugar is sugar, no matter what form it's in.

YOU'RE BACK! *Angelic Choir*

E- *Bewildered* When did we get the songbirds? Is it a new addition?

Marie: DEATH TO THE SONGBIRDS! *pounces on terrified choir*

No, no, no, Marie! They're ANGELS! NOT BIRDS! Aw..who am I kidding? I might as well be talking to a brick wall.. I own nothing..not even a brick wall to bang my head against in honor of the insanity procured most generously by my OC.  
-

Ellie's mouth dropped open as the others reacted with surprise to the booming voice. It did not address them, as they had expected. It had said 'I know you are watching.' Who could be watching? And what did Martha Stuart, Justin Beiber and Red Riding Hood have to do with taking over the universe? So many questions, perhaps destined never to be answered! OH, THE DRAMA!

"Master!" Cried out Beezel. "We are sorry to have failed you!" But the voice did not even acknowledge the pleas of him nor the other cowering demons.

"Who is your master?!" Snape demanded as he exposed them to pictures of Hellboy's face in the morning before he does his make-up. "Tell me or I'll make you eat this!"

It was Mephistopheles who broke first. "Please, please, no!-" He was cut off by Beezel.

"No, you stupid fool-"

Hatter interrupted. "Isn't 'stupid fool' a bit redundant?"

"Shut up!" Snape hissed as he pushed the picture into the face of Mephistopheles again.

Hellboy grumbled and griped, looking hurt. "So I'm not the handsomest butthead in a leather duster, so what? I'm beautiful on the /inside/." He was ignored.

"Hey, I'm TRYING to traitorously betray my master over here! The least you could do is show some damn respect for whatever remaining dignity I have left." Snapped Mephistopheles as he cried great gushing tears of black blood which fizzled as they hit the floor. One tear hit a bit of wood that had been splintered from a support beam by the demons struggles and caught it on fire. Of course, the hobbits produced marshmallows, skewered them on sporks and roasted them merrily.

"S'mores, anybody?" Merry asked around. Nobody took him up on the offer. "Oh..okay. I didn't have any chocolate or graham crackers anyway."

"Then how would you have had s'mores?" Alucard inquired sarcastically.

Sam spoke up. "All you'd have to do is pretend. I always add pretend spices and things to my soups all the time."

Frodo stared at him incredulously. "I've been practically begging you for your recipe for stewed tomatoes for years! And now you tell me that it's all a lie?!"

Sam shrugged helplessly. "I'm sorry Mister Frodo. I do it to the cake, too."

L jumped up and frowned at Sam, pointing his finger straight at the hobbit's nose. "The. Cake. Is. NOT. A. Damned. Lie."

"Oh, get over it." Alucard told them and returned his attention to the demon and Snape. Mephistopheles growled and grumbled about his moment in the spotlight being spoiled. Although, he still volunteered the information on his master.

It was just then that there was a flash and the air was stirred up, blowing dust into their faces and making them cough and hack. When they had blinked the grit out of their eyes, there stood Marie. Her lips, normally turned up at the corners in a constant smile or grin, were making frown lines and her eyes were hard and cold like green ice. Without a word, she stepped out of the way just as Bubba appeared in the exact same spot. "I know who it is." She said seriously. "I know who did it." Then she turned her back to them mysteriously. "It was…..ROGER RABBIT!" Then she burst out laughing. "Kidding, kidding! It was actually the Crimson king and he's going to to try and-"

"Take over the Universe, yes, we know, we heard." Ellie said dryly. She pointed at Mephistopheles who was cowering. "He told us after we tortured it out of him."

Marie got a strange light to her eyes and she tilted her head to the side as if in deep thought. "Yes, yes. Torture is always a great method….hmm, yes, yes. Indeed."

Hatter bowed deeply. "Wise thoughts hold wise meaning."

"So..torture is wise?" Pippin asked with confusion. "I thought it was bad."

Both Marie and Hatter appeared shocked to the core. "No, why would you think that?! He meant that the word 'indeed' is wise!"

"Oh.." Pippin said quietly, but he looked no more enlightened than he had before the explanation.

"Look," Ellie roared with frustration. "We've wasted enough time, we've got to stop this Crimson Asshole before he ruins everything!" She glared at Marie. "Get your mind into a somewhat organized state, gather your best senses and, for heavens' sake, don't forget the peanut butter this time!"

Marie giggled. "I remember the peanut butter incident. Do you think those two hippies minded very much?"

Ellie made a dismissive gesture as she led the way out of the dining hall. "No way, we taught them how to make dandelion and daisy necklaces for their girlfriends, they were happy to do it."


	40. Crimson Bodyparts

Snape: I would NEVER act in such an undignified manner. I am furious that you would think so! *under his breath* Dunderhead.

Oh, don't be such a sourpuss, sourpuss. You know you missed me! You said so last chapter!

Snape: You seem to forget that I was faking it...

Hatter: Oh, there you are again, naughty! *shakes finger* You left us hanging for a long and very awkward time!

Marie: You hurt our feelings! *brings out a hankie and a tiny violin*

I didn't know you could play!

Marie: *Shouts* That's what you get when you're away! You miss stuff! Like my first violin lesson! *Continues playing, but breaks a string* Or like Frank catching Snape in the bathroom!

Snape: There is an explanation for that, I assure you. *Glares at Marie, who continues on, oblivious*

Marie: *Starting to cry* Or when I took my first steps! And my first bite of a waffle! And when I tried green eggs and ham, even though I thought I wouldn't like it!

Snape: That's enough! When you begin to mix yourself up with a character and you're murdering 'The devil went down to Georgia', that is the time for the disclaimer!

Marie: *being hauled off by Gimli* FREE WILLY, YOU HEARTLESS BITCHES!

Snape: I believe she has lost the last bit of sanity she had left.

Huh, that's funny. I never realized that I made her with any kind of sanity at all.

Snape:*facepalm* Just get to the damn disclaimer, already. I have to go and install a bloody alarm system in the bathroom.

Okay, I own nothing except for the plot and Marie. I also don't make any money off of this.

"Hey, I don't understand any of this." Complained Hellboy after Marie had told them of her meeting with the witch. This was the sixteenth time she had explained and everyone was uber annoyed with him.

"Of all the stupid-..gah!" Snape was growling and pulling at his greasy hair. "YOU DUNDERHEAD! Don't make me pull out my wand!"

Hellboy smirked. "That's what she said." Snape made a strange noise that was a mix between the sound a squeegie makes when it skids across the floor and a monkey choking on a banana, then he tackled him. This only succeeded in Hellboy freaking out about having a snarky wizard clinging to his neck.

Marie sighed and gave up. She watched while the two of them waged an all-out mini war. "This is getting us nowhere!"

Ellie shook her head. "It's so simple. The witch is being doubly evil by not being evil at all."

"You're not helping my confusion!" Hellboy was holding Snape up by the collar of his billowing robes.

"The witch, by being one of the few evil characters left, is given a marvelous opportunity to prove her wickedness." Ellie said slowly. "She is betraying her evil bretheren. This is, technically, a good thing, but to her kind, it is a very bad thing. So she is being bad by being good."

Alucard looked up from his pouch of blood, which he had been sucking on like a little kid does with a juice box."You say 'one of the few'. Why do you think there is more than one evil character that has been left out of this scheme?"

"Well, if there is one, there has to be a couple dozen other villains that weren't suitable to the Crimson Asshole's taste." She theorized.

"Crimson King." Edward corrected her timidly. Being the sparkly girl that he was, he was now very afraid of Ellie.

Ellie chuckled darkly. "I know the name. I just think the Crimson Asshole is much more entertaining."

"As long as we're doing crimson bodyparts-" Marie got up and struck a pose. "HERE COMES THE CRIMSON CHIN!"

Austin grinned and jumped up. "If I had fairy godparents I would wish for a humgrgflyffufl hargurgugle." Gimli had slapped a hand over his mouth at the last minute.

"We all know what you would wish for, laddie. Ain't no reason to speak it aloud. There are imaginary children present." The dwarf told him in a scolding tone. "Now I'm gonna let go of your lips and you're going to promise me that there'll no more of that 'yeah, baby' in front of the faux innocent minds." Austin nodded and Gimli released him.

"I don't know what he would wish for!" Volunteered Pippin. "Why'd you have to spoil the fun?!"

Merry high-fived him. "Yes! Besides, I thought corrupting children was a good thing?! Ellie said it was!"

Elli glared at them, but replied sweetly. "Don't you know that when you point fingers, three of them are pointing back at you?"

"Who said I could count?" Merry retorted and went back to roasting marshmallows.

Trent and Sheila had stood by and watched this go on for long enough. "Can we please just get on with saving the world?"

Alex put a hand on his sister's shoulder. "Yes, my thoughts exactly. Now you just said that you would suppose that there are more of these snubbed villains out there, right?" Ellie nodded, not quite getting his point. "And Marie said that the witch was flaming mad over that, so mad in fact that she was willing to switch sides for a time."

Willy smiled brilliantly. "Of course! We could use Mistofolees' power to bring all of those disgruntled fiends here to the castle and unite them with our own forces!"

"But would that be enough?" Lord Incarnadine asked, worry lining his features. He picked up a stray spork. "I doubt we can fend off this Crimson-"

"Asshole." Interjected Ellie.

"Right." He cleared his throat. "Anyway, sporks won't do the job against this enemy. We need more than just a handful of villains and a rather..ahem..bumbling squadron of hero canon characters."

"Hey!" Marie grumbled. "We resemble that remark! The least you could have done was say 'no offense'!"

"Er..no offense?" He offered, a tad late.

"None taken." She said smartly and returned to her focused task of ironing her husband's clothing..with him still in it. No one asked her where she had gotten the iron.

"Well, Misto, are you up to it?" Ellie asked the Jellicle, who was curled up around Hatter's feet. He opened one eye and yawned.

"Sorry, I missed everything. I took a cat nap." He blinked sleepily. "Could you repeat everything from the very begining?"

Snape let out a howl. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


	41. A Sizzling Snagrid Sausage

Hello everyone!

Boromir: Why hello, Miss I-never-show-up-anymore-and-never-give-any-good-parts-to-those-who-deserve-it.

Hatter: Perhaps you should leave the nicknaming to Jareth and Gollum.

Jareth: Precious is in this year!

Gollum:Yesss, yess, it issss, precious. *Gollum, gollum* Preciousss makes nice precious ssstew. Is scrumptous, yesss, yesss! *Attempts to drag poor Melda away*

Help! Frodo! SNAPE! Where is Snape when you need him? SNAPE YOU BETTER SHOW UP IN YOUR ARMOR AGAIN OR I'LL CHOP OFF YOUR NOSE AND FEED IT TO THE RABID FANGIRLS!

Snape: *rocking back and forth in a fetal position* B-but..but I love Lily! *Starts sucking thumb*

WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH HIM? *Still being dragged away by Gollum*

Aragorn: *looks at Snape with pity* It seems he got hold of some bad fanfiction with the intent to destroy the authors. But..then he read some rather...unappetizing fics involving him, Hagrid, and a can of whipped cream or the like.

Snape: Why? Why? WHY? There is no such thing as Snagrid, there is no such thing as Snagrid, there IS NO SUCH THING AS SNAGRID!

IS ANYONE GOING TO HELP ME?

Boromir: Do you promise to write us in more often?

YES, YES, NOW HELP ME, SON OF GONDOR!

Boromir: As you wish, lady Melda. *Fends off Gollum*

*She lies dazed for a moment before clearing her throat and shakily reciting that famous phrase* I own nothing. *She passes out.*

Ellie was deep in her planning with Mistofelees and was obviously very cranky about the wa things were turning out. After all, bumbling villains twirling their mustaches isn't exactly every girl's vision of fun. At least the entertainment would be lively and when the word 'lively' is used in the presence of this gang, then it usually means something very..explosive.

Anyway, she was most definitely not amused when Alucard decided that he hadn't wooed her enough lately. In fact, he was in the middle of planning something to interrupt her planning to foil the evildoer's plan by utilizing evildoers(confusing,no?)when they all heard a rather faint shouting.

Alucard listened for a moment, then a terribly amused grin. "And that would be Sir Integra. Hmm,..who knew she could be heard all the way in another world? I will have to inform her."

Marie was sitting on a bench which Gimli was lifting up and down. After all, a Dwarf had to keep in shape somehow,right? In any case, one moment she was sitting there calmly, her mind going wild with its usual insanity when she let out a shout. "EUREKA!"

"Oh, Valar, please, please tell me she isn't going to go streaking." Gandalf prayed hopefully. "Please, I don't need to witness that, Oh Nienna! Oh, Lorien! I am only a Maia, I don't have that sort of endurance!"

"Hey, don't get your robes in twist." Marie said, leaping down from her bench. "Streaking is a classic fashion! What's more timeless than a birthday suit? I mean, everybody has one...I think. Not so sure about Orcs or giant Mud-men from Planet X in the Northwestern Galaxy, but whatever."

"Could you kindly explain what you 'eureka'd' about so that we may get on with our lives?" Snape snapped testily, though he was always testy. Touchy, too..and a bit mean, and somewhat grouchy. Ooh, and can't forget grouchy, surly, mean, sour-tempered, angry, furious,- "That'll be enough out of you! They get the point!" He shouted up into the sky.

Frodo rolled his eyes. "There he goes again. He's as bad as Gollum, always whispering to himself."

"Oh, aye Mister Frodo." Samwise agreed with a suspicious glance at Snape. "It won't be long 'afore he starts petting his wand and calling it 'his preciousssss'. No sir-ee. That's the way they all go at first."

Pippin made a booming noise. "And then they all burn in the depths of a volcano. Snapey go sizzle, sizzle, sizzle."

"Pip, isn't there a song that goes like that?" Merry said eagerly. "I believe it's called the Bacon Song! And everyone loves bacon!" And then they started to sing. "And you sizzle, and you sizzle, sizzle!"

Snape fumed. "I am NOT a SAUSAGE! I do not sizzle!" This only encouraged as they pranced around the irritated Potions Master with a chorus of 'Snape's a sausage' and intermittant bouts of sizzling. Ahhh, the Bacon Song. The joy of 4-Hers all around the universes.

Marie watched them with interest. "You know, I do wonder why the Hobbits get all of the food-related comedy. Is it a conspiracy?"

Willy groaned. "Yes, yes, it's a conspiracy! Now can we please with chocolate-covered cherries on top get back to the matter at hand? It's been delayed far too long as it is."

"Oi, 'e's righ', yeh know." Hiccuped Jack, who waved an admonishing bottle of rum at her. Do not ask how a bottle of liqour can be admonishing. This leads to dark paths better left unspoken, especially if one does not wish to see terrible things..like Saruman in the shower. Or Morgoth's feet.

"You know, he's right." Aragorn, who had unfortunately very few mentions in this adventure and whose pride has been ravenged by it to such an extent that he's taken to badgering for a bigger, more heroic part. "She does have quite the talent for getting off-topic."

"Excuse me?" She said, miffed.

"Give her a break." Hatter said while buttering a teacup. "Insanity does wonders to the mind." He examined his alsovery well-buttered pocketwatch. "Though, it is half-past a crumb and three times a blob jelly, which means it is high time for her to explain herself."

"Exactly, now could I-" Marie began earnestly.

"Oh, yes, high time indeed." Father Anderson interrupted. "I've missed morning mass because of her fumblings."

Snowclaw sulked in the background. He had joined with Aragorn, Boromir, and Morpheus in protestation of his mere mention so long ago. "I just want a bottle of shoe polish and a spoon." He said grimly to nobody in particular.

eyed him warily. "Stay away from the Yeti, son."

Charlie sighed, but grinned over at Bubba, who waved at him. "Dad, can I go play with the hideous demon-man?"

chuckled fondly. "Of course! Just don't get too slimed up!"

Snowy glowered. "Wonderful! So he won't let his kid near me, a gentle furniture gobbling giant, but he'll let the little guy run amok with a half-wit demon?" He grumbled to himself, but, as usual, he was forgotten in the chaos of the others' quite ridiculous arguments.

Snape had made a grab for the hobbits, but had missed and was now lying on the floor, tapping his fingers in a rythmatically irritated way.

Ellie stomped her foot and growled. "Don't you realize-" She saw their blank faces and cut herself short. "Of course..anyway, shut up, all of you! Including you, Marie."

"But-"

"No buts!" She retorted fiercely and returned to her talk with the cat.

"It was a good idea though." Marie mumbled and sat down on her bench again, once more a piece of exercise equipment. "I was just going to say that evil is sexy."

Alucard practically purred. "That it is, my dear, but how is that relevant?"

She shrugged. "I dunno. I guess that I was thinking that we really shouldn't have to go through all this 'summoning fire to conquer scarlet ass' and such."

"And?"

"Well, it sounds kinda stupid now that I'm saying it out loud, but wouldn't good just have be sexier than evil? I mean, everyone knows that libido is waaay too important to spoiled teenagers."

"But the Crimson King isn't a spoiled teenager." Alucard snickered darkly, as if there were any other way to snicker..

"True, yet I've spoke with him and his attitude was very..ahh.." She struggled to find the words.

"Sissy? Girly? Oh, oh, I've got it. Ninny!"

"Close enough, so why wouldn't a petty contest throw him off his game. In any case, he'd probably go to his room and cry for a millenia or two."

Alucard grinned. "And then it would be someone else's problem!"

Ellie, unbeknownst to them both, had been listening in. "You know, that just could work." She said, appearing out of the blue and startling Marie right off her perch. She landed with an oomph on her bottom and glared accusingly at her friend.

"I hate when you do that." She got up and dusted herself off. "So do you really think it could work?"

"Nope." Ellie said cheerfully. "We'll just go along with your plan until we can pull something out of our collective ass and topple the Crimson Asshole from his throne of Overly-Sized Ego."

Marie shrugged. "Oh well, I guess that's best we've got."

Ellie shook her head. "Damn straight."


	42. Sexy and Fangirls Know It

Hello, everyone! I'm afraid that this is the final chapter of the You've Got Fanmail sequel. However, there does seem to be a possibility of a third installment and..why isn't Snape booing or interrupting me? *glances around* And /why/ do I hear The Grouch by Greenday?

*Marie bounds into the notes with a evil grin* Oh that's just Snape. After he recovered from his discovery of Snagrid and JoBekke (Jobelle, Jobeke, etc.) Goes to Hugworts- *She casts a sympathtic look at poor Severus*

What?

Marie: *giggles* Oh, that was a terrible fic by a fangirl. It actually made it into the Fanfiction Hall of Fame and Infamy. *Sees Melda's lost look* Oh, that's right...you've not been in there yet, have you? It's in Castle Perilous and is a very recent addition. Lucius Malfoy paid for it after he got ahold of some terrible fic about himself and Firenze the centaur. You'll get to visit it sometime soon, I believe. Ellie got you and your reviewers all free tickets to the grand opening. The grand opening will be sometime during You've Got Fanmail number three.

Back to Snape, please?

E-He's headbanging with a fangirl. Meaning that he's slamming the aforementioned fangirl's face into a table while he makes the 'rock-on' symbol with the other hand.

Isn't that a bit too violent?

Marie: *crossly* She called Gimli an ugly sidekick!

*Hisses* SHE MUST DIE! HEAD-BANG HER BRAINS OUT, SEVERUS!

Snape: Will do! *Continues smashing fangirl's face into very hard granite table.*

Anyway, this is final chapter for YGF2 and while I am sad to see it done, I have been consoled by the wise reminder of E- that there is a quote for such a time '42 is the answer to life, the universe, everything'. Now, let's get the show on the road as we remember that I own nothing besides my plot and OCs!

Marie and Ellie were grinning slyly at each other from across the room. And this was usually not a good thing, especially when one considers the madness of one teamed up with the logic of the other. Of course, our favorite gang of canon characters had not spotted the warning soon enough and this had led to professor Severus Snape, potionsmaster extraordinair, being duct-taped to the floor in order for them to force him into his S.M.E.X.Y.S.U.I.T.

What is a SMEXYSUIT? Well, it was created by the marvelous Willy Wonka whose ability to create lingerie and other eatable undergarments out of candy has finally been recognized as art (see The Hall of Fanficton Fame and Infamy for a gallery of his work). SMEXYSUIT stood for Standard Male EXtra Yummy Suit Usually an Inspiration of bad Thoughts and its purpose was to out-sexy evil.

Each character had a different SMEXYSUIT and Willy had been inclined to laugh at them until he was greviously informed that he must wear one as well. This left him bereft of snickers as well as horridly stick as fangirls apparently saw him as most appealing dressed only in candy. He was already having trouble with his chocolate hat melting into his hat, his hard-candy vest didn't allow for much movement and who knew that cherry Laffy-Taffy could chafe?

The knowledge that had helped create the SMEXYSUIT was gleaned from the collective minds of fangirls using 'The Pole Poll'. It had originally been made after the War of the Sues to extract Sues from the imaginations of fangirls from a safe distance to prevent the further spawning. However, with the convenient spelling mistake he had lifted from a fic on , Gandalf had expanded it and created a pole-shaped questionaire.

Marie, on the the other hand, was delighted with her husband's SMEXYSUIT. It consisted of chain mail that was just a little tight across the chest (which showed off his musculature in that area to her utter rapture) and a chest plate that said 'all that glitters is not gold unless it's on a Dwarf'. That last bit took her quite a long time to get over and every now and then she would send a rather suggestive look his way.

However, she could not lust after her Dwarf very long as she and Boromir were appointed as Snape's bodyguards after Frank tried to tackle him. The transvestite was currently crying on Alex's shoulder. "B-but I'm just a hot dog who wants to be with his sausage!" Frank wailed, his mascara causing a black stain on his comforter's shirt.

"I am NOT A SAUSAGE!" Shouted Snape from the ground. Marie only giggled and began to sing a song of Sue-busting, which threw him into another fit.

He told her off, to which she replied, "You only ever banned me from singing 'Padrino', Severus. How I love loopholes!" And thus Snape was subjected to torture quite ahead of schedule. The music hadn't even started, after all.

Arwen, the brave soul, was rubbing more dirt into her husband's beard while hold her hand over her mouth and nose. Apparently, blood and dirt were very appealing to fangirls and Aragorn could not be /dirty/ enough (all innuendos are copyrighted through the Hall of Fanfiction Fame and Infamy).

Of course, there were a few characters who were allowed to stay as they were. Jareth and Alucard being among the few as everyone knows that leather dusters, leather gloves, riding crops and hell hounds are just dripping with sex appeal.

Ellie glanced at her watch irritably. "I sent the challange to him over an hour ago!" She huffed, but a tug on her sleeve caused her to look down. An animated character in stereo-typical Native American garb pushed a note into her face. She read it and nodded. "Thank you, Little Running Gag. Now go on back to your own canon, I'm sure DarkWing is wondering what happened to you." He held out his hand and she sighed, pulling out a couple of dollars. "I get it, here you go." He smiled and then zig-zagged into a waiting portal. "Marie!" She called to her counterpart. "Has Trent managed to kidnap our judges, yet?"

Trent emerged from a portal just at that moment with a sack thrown over his shoulder. It was wiggly, and this typically means that it was full of fangirls because they are known for being especially wiggly. "Bagged this one from Utah." He pulled out a gangly redhead. "And this one is from England." He yanked out a young teen nibbling on her nails. "There are five of 'em."

A burst of red (a very red shade of red) smoke caused everyone to jump. The Crimson Ass-uh-King stepped out from it with a grin and a boombox from hell in hand. It was literally from Hell because he'd borrowed it from Satan on his way here (along with a collection of the greatest modern pop hits as they had been created by the Evil One himself). "It's not fair!" He whinged. "You have fangirl judges! I demand unbiased canon judges!"

Ellie rubbed her temples. "Fine, fine, whatever you say!" She grinned. "We're still going to beat you."

"As if," He snorted. "bring it on!"

Trent returned minutes later with a group of odd-looking animated characters. "They're from an anime-verse." He explained.

"Where's Kyohei-nne! We're lost-nne!" Cried one of the Goth Loli Sisters, her arms wriggling around.

"It is times like these when we ask for the mercy of Hell-nne!" Said another, her arms also gone octopus-like with the magic of anime. "Goth, goth, loli, loli!" They chanted, rubbing their middle fingers against the side of their pointer finger. "Goth, goth, loli, loli!"

"Don't they realize that the Host of Hell is tied up over here?" Beezle growled irritably.

Bubba, who was supposed to be keeping an eye on them. "Nah, too dumb. Canon-fangirls."

Ellie took the boombox from The Crimson King and pressed play.

*Yeah, yeah  
When I walk on by, girls be looking like damn he fly  
I pimp to the beat, walking on the street in my new lafreak, yeah  
This is how I roll, animal print, pants outta control,  
It's Redfoo with the big afro  
And like Bruce Leroy I got the glow  
Ah... Girl look at that body  
Ah... Girl look at that body  
Ah... Girl look at that body  
[Ah... I work out  
Ah... Girl look at that body  
Ah... Girl look at that body  
Ah... Girl look at that body  
Ah... I work out*

"Pelvic thrust, and pelvic thrust and pelvic thrust!" She yelled at Jareth, Rum Tum Tugger, and Jack. "Tugger, you're a curious cat, show it!"

*When I walk in the spot (yeah), this is what I see (ok)  
Everybody stops and they staring at me  
I got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it*

Marie undid Snapes duct-tape bonds. "Come on, Severus." She and Boromir prodded him forward. "You've got passion in your robes, let it out!"

"I refuse!" He stood rooted to the spot stubborn as an ass. But, Marie borrowed Gandalf's staff and poked him in the butt with it, thus forcing him to move up with everyone else. Poking someone in the butt with a stick is a wonderful persuasion technique (all innuendos are copyrighted through the Hall of Fanfiction Fame and Infamy).

Ellie continued to encourage the others as they danced. Now, most of them couldn't dance a lick, but Gimli could really bust a move. This little factoid was tucked away by Marie for future exploitation of the naughty kind. However, the sheer sexiness was affecting the judges noticably. The fangirls' fingers were twitching and you could just see the fanfiction forming in their hormone-clouded brains. "The sexy!" Cried a Goth Loli Sister. "It's too much!"

"What if it's your fault that we lose?" Marie reasoned with Snape over the pounding music. "The addition of your sexiness might just be the turning point!"

Snape considered the good, the bad..and the sexy and finally, he started to move it. And for those who are curious, yes, Snape can wiggle with the best of them.

*Check it out  
Check it out  
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle yeah [x3]  
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle yeah, yeah  
Do the wiggle man  
I do the wiggle man  
Yeah*

"Wiggle harder, men!" Shouted Ellie. Her attention was grabbed by the sight of Snape working it and her jaw dropped. In spite of her disbelief, she shook it off. "WIGGLE AS IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT! WIGGLE, DAMN YOU!"

Gandalf, who was too old to wiggle properly, chuckled from the sidelines. "The Maiar in Valinor will never believe this." He said to himself.

Unfortunately, or fortunately according who you would be asking, the Crimson King lost due to a combination of poor song choice (Oops, I did it Again), poor dancing skills (seriously? The Sprinkler?), and overall lack of good sportsmanship (he tried to bribe the fangirls with allowing them to have their fave characters as love-slaves if he won and took over the fanverse).

The Hosts of Hell were escorted roughly back through the portal into Hell along with the damned boombox (it didn't bide well to keep things borrowed from the Prince of Darkness as he was inclined to re-possess them in person). The Crimson King, as predicted, fled back to his home canonverse to cry to his mommy about his latest failed attempt to take over the universes. He was given chocolate-chip cookies and milk, then sent to bed to cuddle with his Justin Beiber CD collection and his blankie (he calls it ).

Marie, Ellie, King Incarnadine, Trent, Lisa, Jereomy, Snowclaw and the other employees of the Canonverse Postal Service were assisted by the canons to return the castles and the broken canon portals to their original conditions. The army that had been sent to them in the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen's canon had been taken care of by the canon police and turned in to the Heads of Canon Security to be processed and condemned to community service.

Of course, this service was to be assistants to the admin of fanfiction sites. They were required to read every single terribly misspelled, Sue-riddled piece of work that popped up from the sick minds of hopeless fanpersons.

Ellie ordered a restraining order against Alucard, but he violated it and dragged her kicking and screaming to Vegas where they were joined in unholy matrimony by an Elvis Impersonator unwisely granted a marriage license. Ellie shoved the cake in Alucard's face and made an unsuccessful run for her life using a horse-drawn buggy, a moped, and finally a unicycle to get back home.

More or less a happy ending, right? Riiiiight. In any case,this is the end. See, it says it right down there.

THE END.

Or is it? Muhahahahaahahahah! (Evil laugh borrowed from the Hall of Fanfiction Fame and Infamy).


End file.
